Epiphany?

Is 'epiphany" a big word? Do we even understand what it means? I had to look up the spelling.
I always thought it meant an "awakening".
Whatever the definition, I had a "epiphany" tonight.
To begin  with, I wasn't going to go out. The evening was far along by the time I even started to get ready.
I kept telling myself I would take too long to get ready and why bother. Famous last words as I left the house in a half hour.
I went to two very crowded straight venues and never got so much as a side glance.
I caught myself on the way home thinking...What should I do to make the evening more exciting? Stop somewhere else?
Then the "Big E" hit me
Why have I always made this so tough on myself? From the first day I put on a borrowed mini skirt as a teenager and paraded in front of my friends I've always tried to take my "girlness" to another level.
Don't get me wrong. Another level is not always bad. Levels are how we advance.
Years ago I decided to take my life to this level of living as a female. To me that meant going places I would enjoy more. I had never really enjoyed the gay clubs and was trying to merge my male interests into my female self. That meant sports bars were in my future.
Obviously I was very apprehensive. This level was very difficult. I wanted to look my best and at the same time "blend" in my jeans. None of this was destructive. I was living a life I wanted to live.
Now that life has become relatively matter of fact. Believe me, I never would have thought I would have arrived here.
Now, back to the "epiphany". My personality is "what's next"!  Go ahead girl and push that envelope a little farther... but the push is often as painful as it is exciting. My thoughts turned to maybe I should just relax with the look I have and how I use it and where I go with it.
The best example I can share with all of you was Monday. I went to one of my sports bars and literally felt so good sliding into my seat and crossing my legs. I was already having a delightful conversation with a man that day, so the romantic texts I was getting didn't hurt.
Maybe, just maybe this time I will listen to the "epiphany" and stay put in my life right now. I can have more fun looking for new outfits than seeking out new frontiers.