Toxicity

 Connie (below) responded to the Cyrsti's Condo recent post concerning me connecting with one of my previous employees, or more precisely...she contacted me. 

Here is the comment:

"Even in this very left-leaning city of Seattle, there are pockets of toxicity. One needs only to drive a few miles out of town to find it, as well. I've had my share of "Dude Looks Like a Lady" and "Lola" experiences, myself. Nobody needed to tell me that my business would have suffered, had I come out, as I depended on the patronage of building contractors (not always the most liberal-thinking people). My own dysphoria ended up sabotaging my business, so that (I thought) I could move forward with my transition. Ironically, this caused a great hindrance for me to have the finances with which to do so.

 Securing any kind of employment as a woman became more difficult, not only because I was trans, but I couldn't even provide references without outing myself to past, present and future business associates in the process. There exists a passive toxicity, in that most employers will consider the possibility of drama that could accompany the hiring of a trans woman - especially for a management position. Basically, I've only been able to find low-paying jobs with no opportunity for advancement. In fact, the only thing advanced about me is my age, and that just makes the whole thing worse.

 I changed my name and gender, legally, in 2015, when I was 63-years-old. I had thought about delaying the changes in order to secure employment, as my male self, with a company that I knew would have accommodated my transition later. I know people who have done this successfully, yet I just felt it to be wrong for me. It felt, to me, like going through the back door, rather than being the honest and straightforward person (woman) I wanted to be. After all, I had been living a lie for so many years, and I was just plain tired playing that game of deception. The game itself is toxic - and of my own creation. Just as transphobia can be internalized, so can the toxicity. Sometimes, I think, moving away from toxicity involves more than finding a new location. It can also mean that we have to let go of those internal demons that keep us from moving forward - not only with transitioning, but with life."

Thanks for the comment! To be sure, you are right, the transgender journey we have pursued is by nature full of toxicity. 

I was fortunate in that when I decided to do my MTF gender transition, I had the resources (barely) to just retire and go on to change my life. Then again, along the way, I considered the feasibility of joining a new company and then transitioning. But at that time the restaurant business I was part of was a very conservative patriarchal industry. So, starting over in a new profession as I transitioned was even more daunting. 

The toxicity levels I was about to face were tremendous. I took the easy way out and didn't face them at all.
 

 

Another Transgender First

 Tashnuva Anan (below) becomes Bangladesh's first  transgender news anchor!

Rosa Montezuma

 From Panama, transgender beauty pageant model Rosa Montezuma:

Thanks Tonya

 Perhaps you recall the Cyrsti's Condo post I wrote not long ago about the former server/acquaintance I employed years ago before I transitioned.

When I responded to her Facebook friend request, I was almost certain from there she would try to get ahold of me. Early last night, she did. 

Very early in the Facebook Messenger conversation, she was very complimentary as far as my appearance is concerned.  For whatever reason of course, any compliment I receive does wonders for my gender dysphoria. 

Not long into the conversation I asked her if the tavern we used to go to in our hometown was still open. She said she was going to ask me the same question. It turns out she moved from our medium sized city at approximately the same time which was seven years for her and close to that for me. She said the town had become toxic to her.

Even though I had not thought about it, the amount of toxic feedback I received (real or imagined) made it easier for me to move too. Along the way, due to me finally giving up the ruse of leaving my house as my true self , the word finally escaped of my desire to transition to a woman. I faced passive and forced aggression from people I knew. An example was the 4th of July party I went to with my deceased wife when the DJ who used to work for me just "happened" to play "Dude looks Like a Lady" when we arrived. Worse yet was when a long time acquaintance told me my reputation would ruin my business. 

So, Tonya was right, the toxicity got to me too.

My partner Liz even noticed it from our earliest days together when she said I had "sad eyes".

Hell, my very own brother wouldn't even back me up. I was fortunate though when my daughter,  her in-laws, and of course Liz and her family accepted me as a transgender woman. 

In conclusion, here is a picture of me you probably have seen from the toxic days.  Circa 2014.

Meetings

 Over the past several days, I have been somewhat busy with going to the vampires for a phlebotomy (when they take a pint of blood out) and virtually attending our monthly Dayton Rainbow Alliance Board meeting.   

The trip to see the infusion vampires was fairly uneventful and didn't even hurt much this time. What hurt me worse was being called "sir" by one of the new women at the clinic. She quickly reversed her gendering to miss after noticing whom she was talking to. Other than that, not much happened as my veins were working well and the whole experience was done before I knew it. It's too bad the blood can't be put to a good use. They take it out when my iron level exceeds a certain point.

The meeting also went well. First of all, the person running it kept everything moving and the information coming. I have a very short attention span and get bored easily.

I did get a chance to bring up my upcoming Trans Ohio presentation on transgender aging issues. I wasn't surprised when the whole idea  was well received and then again, no one really knew anyone who is transgender and living in assisted care. Or a nursing home. 

Now all I really have to do is lock down which format I will use to present it. The organizers at Trans Ohio would like me use the transgender/crossdresser support group Facebook Live platform, which now means I have to find out who to contact to do it.

No big deal.

Before I go, here is one of my fave photos taken a couple years ago at a Trans Ohio seminar with a statue of the Ohio State University mascot, Brutus Buckeye:

What a Wonderful World it Would Be

 Just think if all the conservative Republicans' energy and ideas went into solving our nations' basic problems such as hunger, housing and education to name a few. Instead of pressuring transgender athletes.

 I think "Kira Moore" (below)  said it best:

"I’ve been looking through various Transgender news feeds and all I’m seeing are stories about all of the Republican bills being introduces across the country as if there weren’t any other pressing issues which need attention and honestly, I am sick and tired of it. If this pack of rabbid fundamintalist evangalical busy bodies spent half the energy on real problems such as homelessness, poverty, or education, everyone's lives could be improved a thousand fold. Yet what are they all fired up about? Trans women and girls playing sports or worse yet, proper medical care for trans youth. WTAF?"

Great point!

More Looking Ahead

 While I am on the subject if looking ahead to the days of relative freedom  I desperately hope is on the way, I found another picture to share from one of Liz and I's Trans-Ohio seminars which we made into a mini vacation.

From 2019. I was very intoxicated when I took this selfie!

Looking Ahead

Since March has arrived and I am less than two weeks away from receiving my second Covid vaccine, I am finally beginning to look at the light at the end of the tunnel being freedom. During the year which has just passed when the pandemic started Liz and I have only been out to eat three times. 

During that time, I learned how much I have missed the public interaction I was enjoying.  To the point (as I've mentioned before) I am even looking forward to my upcoming phlebotomy when the vampires take a pint of blood from me.

To further "re-live" the good old days, I found this picture to share from a couple years ago in the summer time. When I was out on a dog walk in the nearby park.

 

 

Do I Know You?

 On occasion, my interaction with Facebook continues to dismay and amaze. 

Last night it seemed all the "crazies" were out on FB...including me. Sometimes when I am bored I will sarcastically interact with someone just to see (or experience) the reaction I get. I was rewarded when I got someone's panties in a bunch simply by writing my disapproval of heavily filtered pictures. I was rewarded with a tirade which referred to me as being transphobic as well as other things. Not looking for a fight, I just let the whole matter slip away. 

This morning though, I was greeted with a totally different friend request.  It's very rare, I encounter any requests from my hometown. Not only did I receive one but the woman I received it from actually used to work for me in one of my restaurants I managed.

At my peak, I managed (or tried to) a staff of over seventy five front of the house servers, hostesses and bartenders in my busiest unit. As I looked at the picture and name, my rusty noggin slowly came to the realization the person sending me a friend request indeed was one of my former servers.  I knew this because of one of our mutual friends and the fact she was wearing a Pittsburgh Steelers jersey in one of her pictures.

Overall, the memories of this time of my life were very sad. It was during the period when I lost several dear friends and my wife to various diseases. Plus my gender dysphoria was running at an all time high as I explored if I wanted to, or could, live in a feminine world as a transgender woman. 

As I returned to reality, I was so happy to have lived through the "dark ages" of my life to get to the existence I have now.

To make a long story short, I accepted her friend request. It will be interesting now if or when I will hear back from her.