Finally!

 Last night Liz and I finally were able to go out to our favorite Creole restaurant for dinner. We were celebrating our ninth year together as a couple. The whole process still amazes me. Essentially she scooped me up off a scrap heap on an on line dating site. She identified as a cis gender lesbian woman in search of another woman. Ironically, she ended up with me. Over the years I have come to view myself as a bit of a hybrid. With the good and bad aspects of both genders. For example, my hormone replacement therapy took away the toxic effects of testosterone but added the problems of the new feelings from the estrogen in my body. Of course I was fortunate in that my health could handle the changes and still does.

Last night was incredible. We were addressed as "ladies" many times as we were able to stay socially distanced. My look was very natural as I was able to get away with just a little eye makeup and my new normal Chap Stick Merlot lipstick. My increasingly long wavy hair was compliments of an after shower mousse and the dress is my black flower print maxi dress. The beer was a local stout brew and the toast goes out to all of you who have visited Cyrsti's Condo over all these years. Ten to be exact. Thanks to all of you!

 

Are you Bored Too?

 Every now and then, this damn virus just really aggravates me with the boredom it produces. Rumor has it I might be able to twist Liz's arm and go out for dinner this weekend. Which I will let you know about later, if it happens at all. In the meantime, let's check in with Connie (below) and how she is handling staying in, and safe:

"Well, I know that I'm just waiting for the senior center to open up again, so  I can achieve my goal of becoming Bingo Queen. I think I'll entitle this phase of my life: "From Bimbo to Bingo ." :-)

OK, that's not completely true. I never really reached (or wanted to) Bimbohood. I have played one on stage, however. Bingo, though not so bad in itself, may be something I could do only occasionally; not so emphatically as may be required at the senior center. Besides, the big draw on Bingo night around here is "Drag Queen Bingo," and that doesn't fit my narrative, either.The city colleges here offer classes to seniors for $5.00 each. That seemed like a great deal to me, until I found that books, supplies, and parking fees would cost upwards of $200.00. Still, keeping my mind active and challenged is high on my short list of things to do.

It wasn't so many years ago that I would sit in my house, with doors locked and shades drawn, hoping that I could, someday, be a part of the outside world as the woman I was seeing in the mirror. Sure, I would sneak out to another part of town to reveal my femininity, but that was only a temporary fix. Your post this morning came earlier than usual. After reading it, I sat on my front porch, soaking in the morning sun and sipping my coffee. Neighbors went by, walking their dogs, and we exchanged pleasantries. I began to think that this was the fulfillment of my hopes. Really, though, it is just a level of comfort that I have reached (deserved, definitely, but not totally satisfying). Then, I began to consider that, if I could put even half the energy into something that I had put into having a comfortable trans existence, I could accomplish all sorts of things. The trouble is that half of the energy is all the energy I can muster up these days. Even half of that, though, would still be enough to do something significant.

There has to be a what's next, because it's not good enough to have the next to nothing I feel now."

The Girl in the Grocery Line

 It's been awhile, so I don't really remember if I did or how long ago it was when I posted here in Cyrsti's Condo of an experience I went through years ago. It was during the time I was living a dual gender existence after my wife passed away in 2007. 

Increasingly, I was spending my life out as a novice transgender woman and one of my favorite things to do was go to a sports bar and watch football, mostly with my two cis women lesbian friends. When I did it, either I ordered a bite to eat where I was, or stopped on the way home to pick something up. 

For some reason, one early evening, I decided to stop at one of my regular food markets I went to as a guy more than a girl. I figured since it was a Sunday, none of the regular cashiers I normally dealt with would be there. Of course I was wrong and ended up right in a line I didn't want to be. I didn't have a choice because it was the only cashier lane open. If I wanted to buy something to eat, I had to hitch up my big girl panties and hope she would not recognize which me she was dealing with. It didn't take long for her sly smile to let me know what was going on. However, she didn't say anything and I paid and left with my well earned food. 

It turned out, it wasn't until the next time she saw me (as a guy) was when she decided to speak up. She simply said I looked good and would have no trouble if I decided to "go that way." Needless to say I was floored and could only come up with a weak thank you in response. 

Deep down inside, the girl in the grocery line probably never really knew how much confidence she gave me during a time of deep transgender confusion. 

Changes

 Over the years I have posted here in Cyrsti's Condo concerning the changes which occurred with me as I transitioned from a cross dresser to a transgender woman. I can't begin to tell you how many times I never believed I would ever become a full time trans woman. Needless to say, the further I went down the  Mtf gender transition path, the more diligent I became in protecting my civil rights and the more active I became in voting for those who did too. After all, it was more than my rights I was trying to protect, it was the lives of the future LGBTQ youth also. 

This year, Equality Ohio  has come through with a helpful scorecard which is a great guide on who to vote for. Maybe there will be one in your state too!

What's Next?

 I have always been a "what's next" person. Every time I accomplished something, I was looking for what was coming up next. It all carried over from my day to day life as a guy, all the way to my life as a cross dresser to novice transgender woman.  Once I went out and explored the world from a feminine perspective, I wanted to see how it felt to try it again...and again. Along the way, I considered the possibility the excitement of acting like a girl was what driving me on. The problem with the idea was I found being a girl was all so natural. Sooner more than later I ended up living a full time feminine existence.   

Looking back at the process, so much of it just seems to be a blur. While I see all the transgender women around who remember the exact day they threw out what was left of their male clothes, I don't remember anything other than I did it. In fact, the only way I remember when I started Hormone Replacement Therapy is I began it on a New Years eve. Why? Because I was looking ahead to what was next. When would all the changes start. 

Now being quarantined has severely limited what is next. Unless I can talk Liz into going out for our anniversary dinner (nine years) soon. I just don't see much "what's next" in my future. 

The bigger problem is my age. In a month or so I will be 71, so sooner more than later, I will be running out of next's. 

Cyrsti's Condo "Quote of the Day"

 

Semantics

 We received a comment from Connie on our Allies versus Accomplishes post:

"Although I understand the concept of being more than an ally, I just can't use the word "accomplice" to define it. The word has such a negative connotation, and literally means a person who helps another commit a crime. I am a transgender woman, and being one is absolutely no crime!

I think that there are those who are sympathetic transgender allies, and others who are empathetic transgender allies. One can be sympathetic to the cause, but it requires empathy to really support a transgender individual. In my own life, I have encountered people who range from intolerant, to tolerant, to accepting, to sympathetic, to empathetic. There are fewer at each end of that range, and although I have successfully moved some up a notch, I have found it to be more difficult to convince the intolerant to be tolerant, and the sympathetic to be empathetic.

My own wife was intolerant of my feminine-self for quite some time, but that was my fault for not talking about it. She even went so far as to leave the Bible on the counter for me to see and read Deuteronomy 22:5 (the verse is about cross dressing, calling it an abomination - although it is actually about dressing in the garments of the other gender for illicit purposes, and is not necessarily an abomination in itself). Interesting, here, that my wife's support for my cross dressing for illicit reasons would have made her an accomplice. Anyway, it took a few years for her to really become the empathetic ally she is today. Aside from other trans people I know, one of my daughters could be added to my list of empathetic allies (the other daughter is still struggling to get past acceptance to sympathetic).

I came out to an old friend a few years ago, and he seemed, at first, to be accepting of me as a trans woman. I remember so well that he used the words: "I don't care" when I first told him. Over the following months, with him only seeing me in feminine appearance, I had to make countless corrections of his dead naming. I finally went to a lot of effort to explain to him how that was hurtful to me. Afterward, it wasn't but a few minutes before he actually called me Connie - only to hem and haw and then "correct" himself by saying my dead name. When I told him he was right the first time, his answer was: "Whatever." I then told him that the truth of it was in his first declaration of "I don't care." Even if I were to generously say that he was accepting, he was certainly not sympathetic. I cut all ties with him after that, anyway, with the full knowledge that he was incapable of ever really caring at all.

We should all be so lucky as to have many empathetic allies. I think that having many sympathetic ones would be enough. As such, we would have people around us who would, most likely, advocate for us. In fact, an advocate is more than just an ally, and is a much better word than accomplice."

Kami Sid

From Wikipedia: " Kami Sid is the first Pakistani transgender person to rise to prominence as a fashion model. Sid is also an actor and LGBTQ rights activist. Sid also became a controversial figure after accusations of rape and sexual assault against her.:"

Baby Daddies and Blonds in Mustangs

 All you adventurous types who are on the outlook for a transgender girlfriend, it seems you don't need to look any farther than the 'Human Ken Doll' Jessica Alves. She is looking for a baby daddy across six countries. She seriously is searching for the man of her dreams to settle down with and start a family. She speaks six languages and the search will include the United States. So, if you happen to be a guy who is a transgender admirer, Jessica might be the girl for you!

  

Now for the "blondes in Mustangs" and a comment Connie sent in about a post which I was whining again about being stuck at home.

"What's that your mother used to say? Something about the toilet paper roll moving faster, the closer it gets to its end? Still, your Saturdays may seem to go by slower without Buckeye football.

I still do the grocery shopping, as that's the only thing I do to get out of the house anymore. Well, I do drive my wife to work and back two days a week, but that doesn't really count. I am not one of those who wears a mask while driving, so I can, at least, wear some lipstick! I also get to drive my wife's nice Mustang, which is usually unavailable for me to drive by myself. The other day, after dropping her off downtown, I stopped at a light. I heard a woman's voice shout out, "Hey gorgeous!" When I turned her direction to look through the downed window, she continued with, "You really wear that car well." I answered back in my usual smart-ass way, and asked, "It doesn't make my butt look big, does it?" Thinking about it, on the way home, I realized that it had been the only maskless encounter I'd had with anyone, other than my wife, for over three months. Nobody seems to even notice me when I'm driving my mini van to the grocery store - lipstick or not. :-)"

Needless to say, I am heart broken about the Buckeyes but it comes as no real surprise since so many ignorant people still want to refuse to wear a mask and stay socially distanced.