Wednesday, August 19, 2020

What's Next?

 I have always been a "what's next" person. Every time I accomplished something, I was looking for what was coming up next. It all carried over from my day to day life as a guy, all the way to my life as a cross dresser to novice transgender woman.  Once I went out and explored the world from a feminine perspective, I wanted to see how it felt to try it again...and again. Along the way, I considered the possibility the excitement of acting like a girl was what driving me on. The problem with the idea was I found being a girl was all so natural. Sooner more than later I ended up living a full time feminine existence.   

Looking back at the process, so much of it just seems to be a blur. While I see all the transgender women around who remember the exact day they threw out what was left of their male clothes, I don't remember anything other than I did it. In fact, the only way I remember when I started Hormone Replacement Therapy is I began it on a New Years eve. Why? Because I was looking ahead to what was next. When would all the changes start. 

Now being quarantined has severely limited what is next. Unless I can talk Liz into going out for our anniversary dinner (nine years) soon. I just don't see much "what's next" in my future. 

The bigger problem is my age. In a month or so I will be 71, so sooner more than later, I will be running out of next's. 

1 comment:

  1. Well, I know that I'm just waiting for the senior center to open up again, so  I can achieve my goal of becoming Bingo Queen. I think I'll entitle this phase of my life: "From Bimbo to Bingo ." :-)

    OK, that's not completely true. I never really reached (or wanted to) Bimbohood. I have played one on stage, however. Bingo, though not so bad in itself, may be something I could do only occasionally; not so emphatically as may be required at the senior center. Besides, the big draw on Bingo night around here is "Drag Queen Bingo," and that doesn't fit my narrative, either.The city colleges here offer classes to seniors for $5.00 each. That seemed like a great deal to me, until I found that books, supplies, and parking fees would cost upwards of $200.00. Still, keeping my mind active and challenged is high on my short list of things to do.

    It wasn't so many years ago that I would sit in my house, with doors locked and shades drawn, hoping that I could, someday, be a part of the outside world as the woman I was seeing in the mirror. Sure, I would sneak out to another part of town to reveal my femininity, but that was only a temporary fix. Your post this morning came earlier than usual. After reading it, I sat on my front porch, soaking in the morning sun and sipping my coffee. Neighbors went by, walking their dogs, and we exchanged pleasantries. I began to think that this was the fulfillment of my hopes. Really, though, it is just a level of comfort that I have reached (deserved, definitely, but not totally satisfying). Then, I began to consider that, if I could put even half the energy into something that I had put into having a comfortable trans existence, I could accomplish all sorts of things. The trouble is that half of the energy is all the energy I can muster up these days. Even half of that, though, would still be enough to do something significant.

    There has to be a what's next, because it's not good enough to have the next to nothing I feel now.