Brave...or Smart?

 Recently GB responded to a post I wrote concerning coming out as "bravery" Which in turn came from an Anna comment. Confused yet? Don't be, here is the comment:

Unsplash image: Sharon 
McCutcheon

"Yes, I understand completely. How can it be bravery when we have no choice? And yet, coming from a typical social perspective, what we do as trans people is nothing but heroic, and yes, it is brave. Talk about strength. Trans people are the strongest people I know. When your core foundational identity is rocked as it is for all trans people, and you still manage to survive, sometimes thrive, it is a beautiful miracle.

And regarding your thoughts on giving up male privilege, I think there is a lot to explore here. I was with one of my longest female friends recently and we talked about white male privilege and what it meant to give that up as a trans person...and I have been wondering about this a lot as I meet people from different ages, races, creeds and seeing how they react to me...and what I am finding is that people who are oppressed are more encouraging to me on this journey than other white men.."

Thank you for the comment and I did neglect mentioning white privilege in the post. Indeed it is a huge part of what I was trying to write about. On the other hand, I don't feel I am qualified to write about pressing racial issues because I did grow up and later lived with my white privilege. 

I did enjoy your comment which said "When your core foundational identity is rocked as it is for all transgender people, and you still survive, sometimes thrive, it is a beautiful miracle." The only idea I could add is we transgender people are able to finally thrive is because we are finally able to live as our authentic selves. 

Giving up our white male privilege is but a small price to pay to be able to achieve a gender transformation. There are those who argue there are female privileges' also and I think the future is female but in the meantime there are still too many male privileges' such as personal security to consider. In fact, you could be the brave one if you don't consider your surroundings when you begin to explore the feminine world for the first time. Just take the time to research the number of transgender violent assaults and use the numbers to be more careful. Cis women have the benefit of growing up with the knowledge of not having personal security and learning to the best of their ability to deal with it. I have my own personal experiences of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when I was first entering the feminine world. I will share them at another time but to make a long story short, I escaped with no violence and I learned. 

Finally, I believe many white men are feeling the potential loss of their shallow male privileges and are more likely to be less into supporting other transgender women who have "joined the other other gender team." Plus men are likely to have a more fragile idea of their sexuality and aren't brave enough to experiment with change. 

I know I have covered quite a bit of ground with this post but bottom line is don't confuse bravery with ignorance. Be careful, learn your lessons and build a new life.    

Masks

 Another Cyrsti's Condo reader I have been in contact with over the years wrote in and commented on her feelings about applying makeup. Her name is Mandy and she lives on the East coast of the United States. Over the years she had been able to survive balancing her life in a feminine world along with living with a spouse and having young grand children.  

In the comment (thanks), she said she viewed the whole process as applying a mask. Admittingly I think she is right in many ways. I know back in the day when I first started experimenting with basic makeup skills it was a process. Something I had seen my own Mom do so effortlessly with her own makeup proved to be so difficult. Of course there are no pictures but I am sure "clown like" would be applicable. 

Photo credit: Chalo  Garcia (Unsplash)
Cis model with mask

Still I endured, bought my own makeup and embarked on a process of improving my makeup skills. Slowly but surely I was able to improve my "masking" skills. 

When you think about it, all women (cis or transgender) use makeup as a mask. These days, much to the chagrin of many transgender and/or crossdressers, women have moved to a more natural look. Which means much less makeup. I noticed an example as another much younger woman stood in line ahead of me at the dentists' office. She was wearing very little makeup except mascara and perhaps lip gloss. Of course with her youthful flawless complexion she didn't need any mask. Her whole demeanor screamed female. I was envious in that I had to put much more work into my feminine presentation. 

Unknown to me however was what kind of skin care routine she used. I am fortunate in that I was able to "sneak" in my own personal skin care routine. The act of shaving probably provided me the greatest benefit when I was able to exfoliate old skin cells and replace them with new ones. Then I was able to convince my wife I needed a moisturizer to help me with razor burn. In fact, one of the biggest recommendations I can make to novice transgender - cross dressers is take care of your skin. The second is watch your weight. It is a real possibility you will be able to present better as your feminine self if you follow those rules. Your "mask" will come along with practice.

These days locating help with your mask is easier to find. If you live near big urban areas at all, makeup specialty stores often are happy to help you with tips. There is so much to consider with contouring and color.

I was fortunate enough also to be able to undertake hormone replacement therapy, which really helped to smooth out and soften my skin. Plus age alone aided my transition. I was of the age where the binary genders have a tendency to blur. 

Whatever your case , I hope you can adapt to wearing a makeup mask and it helps you lead a quality life. If not, remember it's a marathon not a sprint. Just keep working and don't get discouraged.      

Gender Puzzle

 Anna commented on Medium concerning my coming out experiences as bravery.  I have never thought my gender transition as having anything to do with bravery. Rather, it was something I had to do. Now I look at the process as more of solving a gender puzzle.

Photo-Ryoji Iwata

As I assembled my gender puzzle, I kept discovering more and more missing pieces. What happened  then was I needed to accomplish more and more in the public eye to prove I had it right. I have written in depth on many of my learning experiences all along with more and more I continue to discover as I follow this writing path.  Once I think I have it all figured out, something new comes along to prove I have not.

One thing I don't write about enough are my severe bouts  with gender dysphoria. Perhaps there was a level of bravery to overcome passive and active suicide attempts. I know I was scared to death to enter the world as my feminine self on more occasions I can count. I have often told you all about all the times I came home crying following ill fated attempts at living as my authentic self. Back in those days I was still of the opinion I was crossdressing as a woman. When, actually all those years I had been cross dressing as a man.

I need to add in also I have never been good at puzzles. I tend to approach them (puzzles) with my usual impatience. When a certain outfit didn't work instead of trying another, I allowed the mirror to lie to me and out I would go to fail again. Slowly I did learn not to force pieces of the puzzle together that didn't fit. At that point, I discovered I could have success in public with my external feminine appearance and learned it was only the beginning. In other words, I discovered a whole new set of puzzle pieces.  

Now, even I wonder how I managed to navigate all of the challenges I was to face. It seemed every piece of the puzzle I located and was able to find a place for created the need for another. An example is how women communicate with each other. I found they have a unique way to communicate when men are present or when they are not. I had several women who protected me from possible negative situations with men as an example. It wasn't just men though. Along the way I learned women specialized in passive aggression. Or where were the knives located when they met you. Those were the ones who said you looked good as a woman...for a man. (un said).

The biggest puzzle piece had to be what happened when I lost my male privilege's. I reached the point of my life age wise when the term "sir" had been bestowed on me, if I wanted it or not. Most importantly I found my personal security changed drastically as I tried to live a feminine existence. For the first time in my life I asked friends for help getting to my car at night when it was parked in a relatively unlit parking lot. Overall, the loss of male privilege deserves it's own post we will get to another time.

Over the space of life, I learned to respect my gender puzzle as just a extra special portion who I became as a human. After all, how many people get the chance to sample life from both sides of the gender spectrum.

I just hope I haven't lost any pieces as I complete my puzzle.

More Comments on Passing

 First of all, a big WOW and thanks to all of you who took the time and effort to write in and comment on recent posts. The first  comes from Connie:

Photo courtesy Connie Malone

"So, I went out to grocery shop to get my booster vaccine. I was quite presentable in my hair, dress and makeup, and was feeling even a little pretty. At the grocery checkout, though, there was a discrepancy in the total, and it took three employees to figure it out. During their discussion, among themselves, I was referred to as "he" twice. I guess that answers any question as to my passing. It had been over two years (maybe three) since I was last mis-gendered, but the sting still hurts and kinda messes up my day. The employee who mis-gendered me had always been so friendly and accommodating in the numerous encounters we'd had in the past. 

The one thing that is common among cis people is that they don't very often give their gender much thought at all. I have been getting myself to that point, as well, but it's taken many years so far. As confident as I have become with myself, though, I guess I've not attained everything I've worked to achieve. 

The only positive here is that the hurt does not last as long as it used to. Big girl panties may not be enough; at my age, I should probably be in granny panties. I did get some redemption when the immunization coordinator at the drug store did not hesitate to check the female gender box on the form. The only bad thing about the experience there is that I ended up having a bad reaction to the booster, and I've been awfully sick for the past two days. Or, maybe it was the first experience at the grocery store that made me sick? :-("

That is unfortunate! I think sometimes when I think I am most presentable is when I let my gender guard down and cis people mis-gender me. I am a strong believer in the "aura" a person gives off in everyday life. So in situations with strangers I try to remember to input feminine on them. Seems to work for me.

The second comment comes from Emily:

"I came upon your writings through Femulate. Really appreciate your acknowledgement that some of us pass most or all of the time.

Some sites claim that is impossible which causes a turn-off for newbies. It also indicates a lack of self confidence on the part of the author and/or laziness to do the work.

Some of your other writings discuss friendships with women --I have found that most come around very quickly. Most men remain turned off"

Thanks Emily and welcome. Yes I have always thought the great majority of us can "pass" most of the time if they put a little work into doing it. What I mean is, take the time to learn a little of the feminine arts such as makeup and clothes. Maybe attempt to lose a little weight and strive for the closest possible shave. It's never easy but is worth it. Others may not take into consideration the years of error and trial which went into being where we are today. 

Photo Courtesy Paula  

The third comment comes from Paula : 

The whole question of passing will never go away. Not even just in the trans world, I hear my gay friends talking about passing as straight, and friends with Asian heritage as passing as white. Does this mean it's about claiming inherent privilege we are not entitled to?

On a personal level I am quite sure that I never pass, especially as soon as I open my mouth! Having said that the vast majority of the time I am not noticed, these days I have a self confidence I have NEVER had before, now I just go about my business as me and nobody notices. I fear it is when we try too hard that we get noticed and give ourselves away. It is only when I glam up that people notice, that I start to get the comment like "You've got great legs" with the unspoken "for a man".

I suspect that the situation may be different here in the UK with very many staying with support groups long after their own transition, It is a sorrow to me that I will be missing two meetings in a row due to other, work commitments.

Thanks to you Paula. I agree once you can get to the point of being able to just live your life as your authentic self, most of the other pieces of the gender puzzle come together. Which could be a topic for another post!

We Got Mail

 I am sorry it has taken me so long to respond to several comments on my "Passing" post as well as others. I simply have been to busy this week to contribute much to Cyrsti's Condo. So, in no particular order, here are several of the comments. Tomorrow I will add more.

Ironically, Georgette commented she was surprised by the lack of response:

"I was hoping to have some others comment on your reflections,

Back in the Dark Ages, The other TW I knew were much older than me, Age 23-27 vice their 50s-60s, Had never knowing any TM,

I can't recall we called it Passing but was learning to just Blend in with other women in our age groups, Couldn't really go stealth as my entire family has accepted me, And where I transitioned at the same place of work,

To go wherever women would be and see what they were wearing and how they conducted themselves,

I guess for me as a youngish woman I did have the advantage of youth,

For those older TW they just settled into a more comfortable look, Nowadays I see so many late-in-life still want to look like those younger women, I keep my opinions to myself as most don't want advice just affirmation, I have been blocked or un-friended when giving some advice/criticism, Even here on Medium I was blocked with no reason given.

When I decided to come back out to this new LGBT+ world, I looked at a lot of women in their 60s and decided I didn't want to look like them, My style is a more comfortable woman but still not ready to give up on being attractive, Most times people don't believe me when I give my age as 71.

But sometimes I wonder if going back to be mostly stealth would be easier, In the General non-LGBT+ world I am."

Thanks for the  comment. As you all can probably tell, the number of active commenters I get in relation to the overall number of hits I receive on the platforms I write on are in a small minority, which is fine. Back to the comment. Georgette, I am of the same age as you and do my best to dress to blend in with. Fortunately I lived through my attempts at not dressing age appropriate.  On the other hand, I try to make sure my minimal make up is properly done and my hair is brushed.  I think it is slightly humorous when my partner Liz always runs to put on makeup when I do when we go out. I tell her she wears makeup because she wants to and I wear it because I have to. 

Also Georgette's comment comes from the Medium writing platform I post to. I'm humbled and flattered to have received an award from them as being one of their top LGBTQ writers. If  you are interested, go to Medium.com for details on their service. 

As I wrote, there is much more to this post coming up from Connie, Paula, Emily and more. Thanks for your patience.