Shake and Bake

 Connie referred to the previous post here in Cyrsti's Condo called "Faking it till you make it." as "Shake and bake." 

The reference aptly describes many of my early attempts into the feminine world which were mostly unsuccessful. My wife was convinced I dressed too slutty and she was right. I was stuck in the concept that revealing clothes validated my femininity when truthfully my choice of outfits was doing exactly the opposite. 

In essence my skirts were too short or tight and I was having a difficult time adjusting to what my feminine image should be. Looking back now, I feel as if I could come up with a reasonable fashion statement if I stayed in the professional fashion image. I owned a black jump suit I loved and wore repeatedly to upscale shopping malls in the area complete with my black heels and long honey blond wig. The problem I began to run into was when I began to encounter the same people over and over again, I needed other outfits to wear. I remember vividly several outfits I managed to come up despite rigid budget constraints which fit the late 1980's and 1990's fashion scene. Since for the most part, big hair was in, my wigs fit right in as did my shorter skirts if I wore them with flats or low heels. Also there was quite a bit of Demin and Boho influence in the 1990's which I loved. Check out the picture below.

With all of that, I still couldn't fulfill my wife's standards of how she thought I should look. In my defense, she was a very natural person and didn't wear much make up at all. Every now and then though she would still consent to going to a nearby town to go out and eat. To dress to her standards would have been difficult for me. So being the determined person I was (and am) I did the best I could to wear what I wanted. So in her eye's I was still a "shake and bake" person.

As with any transgender woman or man and/or cross dresser, we are all survivors. So if we are faking it or baking it, we find a way to get by.

  

Fake It till You Make It

 I saw this quote on a another blog I follow and it started my thought processes on my gender transition. The other blog is written by a cis woman who was detailing how to feel better concerning her/your appearance. 

The post brought back to me in a much clearer sense how all women (transgender or not) carry the social stigmas of how they look. A good example is my partner Liz who lost nearly one hundred pounds and still has a hard time escaping ideas of how she appears to the public. There have been several times when other people may be staring at me and she never notices and I am astounded. 

I think much of my remaining paranoia with the public goes back decades ago when I was faking it to making it as a woman. Or, my old cross dressing days before I finally admitted to myself I felt so much more natural in a feminine world. I have detailed several times here in Cyrsti's Condo the first night I decided to go out and try to exist as a woman and not someone who was dressing up to fool the world. There was a huge difference for me and I was terrified yet excited. 

This is the point I always have to add my disclaimer...being a cross dresser is quite fine. It just wasn't good enough for me. It was immensely difficult to do but I found myself more and more faking being a man in my life.  

Then again, you have to do what you need to get by. Faking it or not.

Twizzler Candy Commercial

 Twizzler is a candy which as far as I know comes in licorice and strawberry flavors. Recently, where I live here in Cincinnati, Ohio Twizzler has been re-running a 2019 commercial which really hits home for me. In the commercial the spouse is driving and the guy is off deep in thought. Finally she asks him what is he thinking about. As he eats a Twizzler, he wonders if it is all right at his age to start skate boarding.

 

During a vacation my wife and I took one year, the same thing happened to me. The only difference was I had a much more serious problem to ponder. Could I ever become a transgender woman. My life at the time was in very good shape. My wife and I loved each other deeply and my job was riding a pinnacle of success. Yet, here I was lost in thought pondering my future. 

Perhaps the worst part about the whole thing was I don't remember telling my wife what was really bothering me. I was still trying to out run my gender dysphoria which was slowly but surely tearing me apart. 

Sadly, my thoughts ruined much of the fun of the vacation. Maybe a Twizzler would have helped?

Another Summer

 Another summer has come and gone, way too quickly. Even though summer is not my favorite season, it's almost time to consider putting all my seasonal sleeveless tank tops away and taking stock of my sweaters which are still wearable from my wardrobe. I say "about" time because here in Ohio we always have what we call an Indian summer when temperatures hit normally summer like temperatures. In the meantime, we have been enjoying rare wonderful fall weather away from all the fires and hurricanes plaquing the country. Where ever you are, I hope you are staying safe. Of course too, we have the continuing tragic problems with the Covid virus.

I keep thinking as bad as the year 2020 has been, I ought to try to slow down the march of time as much as I can, because as I near 71 years of age, realistically, I don't know how many summers I have left. But that is a whole other subject. On a lighter note, I did take advantage of the good weekend weather to finally start to clean out my old car which is probably heading for the junk yard. Being the procrastinator that I am, I still have a couple weeks before the license tags expire and I have to get it off the street. Interestingly, none of the neighborhood kids I encountered yesterday paid me any mind whatsoever. 

On another level, the car represents one of the few remaining ties I have with my old pre transition self. Cutting ties all the way with it would provide me yet another way to cut ties with the past. 

Later on today, I hope to take advantage of the weather and do a little more work on the car. When the rains come later on in the week, I plan on going through all my clothes. I did find a The Ohio State hoodie in the back of the car I can wear on my walks when the weather cools off again. And I'm excited the Buckeyes (OSU) are going to start playing football again in about a month. 

Go Bucks!

Hot Flash?

 If you have never experienced a hormonal hot flash, it's quite the experience. 

I remember vividly my first real "flash" as I was sitting at a favorite sports bar (of course) of mine enjoying a drink and watching the big screen television. All of the sudden, I felt like I was internally combusting. I wondered if the whole world would notice. They didn't seem to and fairly quickly I returned to normal (?) and began to realize I had just experienced my first hot flash. No wonder all the cis woman of middle age I knew talked about their overheating. 

All of a sudden, this morning, I experienced another hot flash and I am not completely sure why. I have not changed any of my HRT meds I have been on for many months now, so meds should not be an issue. Similar to my first case of heat, the whole episode probably only lasted an hour or so. 

I will have to see if it happens again as I have another visit coming up in October with my endocrinologist so I am sure she will check my hormonal levels again anyway. 

As with mammograms, I see hot flashes as a rite of passage into being a more physical transgender woman. I say physical because I feel mentally I have always been trans. Plus, all of this temperature issue leads me to point out the changes I went through in relating to the weather as I hormonally transitioned. I found I became colder quicker and stayed that way.

I also recognize though that hot flashes could be an issue with my HRT meds. An issue I will have to discuss with my Doc if it happens again.