The Reality of the Dress

When we are young novice cross dressers and/or transgender women, the power of the clothes and makeup is nearly everything we experience. For some of us the allure of the clothes began to fade early. I began to want to be the girl, not just look like one. 

I think the recent quarantine has heightened the differences in those who have to cross dress to reestablish who they are gender wise. If you use me for example, I always know who I am gender wise and would have to go out and buy men's clothing if I even wanted to try to express any of what is left of my male self. I am making up for all the years when I questioned my gender continually.

So, while I don't need the dresses, hose and heels to feel feminine, it is certainly fun on occasion to get dressed up like I did Saturday night when we went out to eat for the first time in nearly three months. Nothing wrong with any of that since all women get a chance to feel the same way during their lives too. It's part of the fun of a being a girl. 

With my HRT induced body changes, I have found I have made it easier to find "fun" outfits in my wardrobe. If the stars and everything else align, I may even get my favorite summer "boho" outfit past Liz and get to wear it to a lesbian bar in the area. The outfit consists of a spaghetti strap tank top and my well frayed jeans I roll up to mid calf. I wear the whole thing with sandals of even flip flops. I love the feel of the top I wear with no bra...if Liz approves it. Once again I am experiencing extra fullness in my breasts with the increased dosage I am on and I can't forget my hair which is growing rapidly again. 

The problem is the two lesbian bars we could go to are across the Ohio River in Kentucky which is just re-opening on a limited basis and Pride has been moved back until October. I love me some lesbians and hope it happens! In the meantime the reality of the dress (or the fantasy) may just have to wait.  

Do the Clothes Make the Trans Person?

I happened along this article from the Huffington Post which may interest all of us transgender and/or cross dressers. It's about trans woman Stella Sacco and her feelings when she tried on a new dress:

"Whether we do so intentionally or not, many of us use clothing and makeup to express ourselves every single day. When a person transitions their gender, that notion of self-expression takes on an even deeper meaning. 

For Stella Sacco, (right) finding clothing and building her wardrobe felt daunting when she first came out as transgender in November 2017.  

“I know there are people who can really pull off wearing clothing for their authentic gender right away,” she told HuffPost. “But just like cis women, trans women are all different. We all have different body shapes. Some of us are traditionally feminine to start and some of us are not. I’m 6′1 and shaped like a carrot.” 

Finding comfort and confidence, then, was somewhat of a challenge in the beginning. Sacco, 32, had her first experience shopping publicly in the women’s department when a friend and his wife gave her an H&M gift card to kickstart her new wardrobe. She recalled the experience as daunting ― but powerful. 

“That first time I picked out an outfit for myself felt amazing,” she said. “Even the feeling of going in and being really stressed out ― and thinking, ‘Are people judging me because I’m in the girls section and people think I’m a guy?’ ― was hard. But picking out the outfit and being like, this is a full outfit I picked out ― that’s a feeling even now I carry with me every time I go shopping.” 

All great points we will consider in a later Cyrsti's Condo post.

Socially Distanced

Saturday night Liz and I finally braved the dreaded virus and went out for dinner. As i prepared for the first special night out in over ninety days I jumped in the shower to provide a fresh canvas for any possible germs which may come my way. Even though I was planing on practicing social distancing in our small group, one other drunk cis woman was too touchy and she didn't.  Hopefully, she was not a carrier.  

Other than that, the night went smoothly. I wore one of my silky maxi dresses along with my black flats. When I washed my hair (which is getting long again) I used a volume inducing mousse which really helped to give me the body of hair I love.  Especially when it falls softly across my shoulders and back. 

The venue we went to was a regular place we stop at quite a bit, we went fairly early and the place was very sparsely populated. I felt fortunate in that it was still open at all. The place we used to go to all the time declared bankruptcy and closed it's doors for good. Since the place was almost deserted, the sound volume was low enough we could actually talk. The cis woman I was writing about who comes with a cross dresser was somehow amazed again when she found out I was in the Army. I guess I don't fit the appearance levels she would think matched the Army stereotype, We also talked in depth about our relationships, which included her four kids she had before she was 21 to my long and varied list of fiance's and wives.  Even including how Liz and I met nearly nine years ago on an on line dating site.

The only draw back to the venue is the chairs at the tables. They have a tendency to make life very uncomfortable for my back after about a hour and a half. So we were able to excuse ourselves and leave.

It was good to get out!

A Choice?

Yesterday here in Cyrsti's Condo we explored the issue of trust when it comes to novice transgender and/or cross dressing women. During this post, I would like to preach to the choir concerning choice. 

The problem we have is as we come out is a severe problem with being selfish in our drive to discover our true selves. Often, we are so frenetic in our approach, we have a tendency to forget those around us. All of a sudden, we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The rock is family, finances and friends the hard place is the fact we really don't have a choice.  The pressure increases if you are considering hormone replacement therapy. Unless you are on a radically different regiment than I am, you can say goodbye to most sex lives as you knew it. The prospect didn't bother me as much as some because in my own way, I had approached sex to me as being between two women anyway. Which did not meet with success in the bedroom with my wife. 

As selfish as all that was, it was the only way I could save my own life. I can't tell you how many times I wished I could just cross dress every now and then to decrease my desires. It just didn't work that way with me.

All of this led me to massive fights with my wife, especially on the occasions when she caught me breaking our pre approved cross dressing curfews. I remember vividly the day she told me to be man enough to be a woman and leave our relationship behind. As you can tell, she was wiser and I was stubborn. I had yet to realize being a woman was not a choice with me. Once I did, she had passed away before I made a total Mtf gender transition.

If you are a better person than I, try to look into your soul and take the gender path which is the most natural to you.

Gender Trust

Connie tipped me off to a blog post concerning a long buried happening I went through years ago. In fact, it took me years to realize how much my why didn't really care about my cross dressing gender tendencies as much as what happened when I lied to her about sneaking around behind her back. To clarify though, my wife never accepted any thoughts of me being transgender and beginning hormone replacement therapy. Before we go any farther with those thoughts, here is Connie's comment:

"My wife was so much more upset by my manipulation than she was about my gender identity and the expression thereof. When we finally had the big "discussion," the thing that rang loudest to me was her asking, "Do you think I'm stupid; that I don't know what you've been doing?" Of course, the "discussion" led to me trying to explain the "why," followed by "who" I was, and not just "what" I was or what I was doing. When a spouse sniffs you out, no matter how perfume-y you try to make it, it's an awful stench."

Thanks for the comment!  When I look back at all the not so intelligent contortions I went through to hide my other life from her, I wonder why I tried at all. An example was every night she worked late, I couldn't wait to get out the door and lead my feminine life. The problem was, when she got home, I had to be cleaned up the best I could so she wouldn't notice any excess makeup.  No matter how hard I tried, most of the time I had difficulty passing the scrutiny she put me through. Looking back on it now, I wonder how I even put up with the stress of passing twice a night. As a woman when I went out and as a man when my wife came back home.

Indeed the stench was awful since the gender issue was the only point of deception we had in our relationship. The stress was horrendous.