The Wasted Years?

Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives

 Many times when I am asked what my biggest regret in life is, my quick answer is I didn't transition quicker to my authentic feminine self.

However, after taking a deeper dive on the subject, sometimes I have to come up with a bit of a different answer. Most assuredly I miss not being able to have experienced all the facets of life a younger woman goes through but then I needed to realize not all early life feminine experiences were good, as hopefully she made her way to being a woman. Not every female can claim womanhood as it comes through a socialization process.

Also, saying I wasted nearly fifty years of my life living as a man would be wrong to say. I did have good times as well as experiences I am intensely proud of. Plus I think several of the experiences made me a better transgender woman when I transitioned. For example, even though the process had its ups and downs, there is no way I would have traded the experience I had when I served three years in the military. Or how could I ever give up the years when my only daughter was born and grew up. Obviously too, my second wife and I could not have made it twenty five years together if there were not some good times mixed in.

I guess you can say I became a survivor of all my male years. As I was surviving, it's important to note I was experimenting the entire time being feminine. I studied how the cis-women around me carried themselves and reacted to the public situations the best I could. And, although I could have never gone as far as I wanted to with my experimentations, the thoughts were always there in the back of my mind. Finally I made it to a point where I could develop a plan to see if I could in reality follow my dream of living as a fulltime transgender woman. Every time I was successful trying one adventure, I was able to move on to another. I learned one way or another I wasn't the only novice transvestite or cross dresser in the world as I began to successfully navigate clothing stores and malls where I lived. When I became bored, I started to go to more challenging venues such as restaurants and test the environments there to see if I would be accepted  When that worked I began to work on my overall communication skills and again concentrated on improving my presentation which was an ongoing process.

So, in reality, I wasn't wasting any time as I attempted to live a life between both of the main binary genders. Trying to do both nearly killed me before the doors opened wide and I again could pursue my life long gender dream. Could I ever really be brave enough to leave my male past behind, along with all the privilege I had earned and live as my authentic feminine self. 

The more I lived as a transgender woman, the more I felt I was doing the right thing and began to resent the fact I didn't try earlier. Throughout the whole process, it was easy to forget the evil days when I disliked all aspects of being male. But over the years I came to realize it was all a learning experience anyhow and helped me to realize how I could lead a more complete life.

Invited Diversity

Image from Danie Franco
on UnSplash

Recently I posted concerning my upcoming invitation to become apart of the Greater Cincinnati Alzheimer's Association as some sort of a LGBTQ volunteer. 

More precisely I wanted to become an advocate for anyone facing the terror of Alzheimer's or Dementia memory loss during their life. Much of my passion for advocating comes from my own Dad passing from a very sad and ugly case of Dementia years ago. I figured if I somehow could help one person cope in the future, my effort would be worth it.

As I suspected, since volunteers are becoming rarer and rarer to come by these days, I was received with open arms. In fact, the person I "interviewed" with said I was a "needle in a haystack". Meaning it was becoming so difficult to locate anyone willing to give anytime at all to give time to the Alzheimer's Association. The Association does have a diversity committee but it is down to only three members with one wanting to leave. Plus, there are no transgender or LGBTQ members on the committee. Regardless of my expertise I am rare and thus the proverbial needle in the haystack.

What I was very much pleased to learn was the Alzheimer's Association already has an outreach program for LGBTQ patients. However what we transgender women and trans men know, much of the outreach doesn't extend to the transgender community. As I pointed out to the woman who interviewed me, the biggest thing I was paranoid about is if or when I need assisted living care, my gender is effectively taken away from me. That was the point when the person I was talking to told me the association provides extra assistance. Not that I doubt that but I again would feel blessed if I can provide an example to an accepting transgender family struggling with the tragedy of memory loss.

My starting point will be an initial diversity committee meeting coming up later in July. It will be interesting to see how I am accepted by the remainder of the super small committee whose diversity consists of race or national backgrounds. So I will be the first LGBTQ member and even more important the first transgender member. 

So far, the process went fairly smooth with the interviewer. She only mis gendered me once after immediately asking for my preferred pronouns. Of course she quickly profusely apologized but the damage was already done. 

We went on, and I will go onto the committee to learn in my small way if I can make a difference with a huge tragic problem.        

The Transgender North Star

 

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives 

When you are lost, you are encouraged to follow the North Star to find your way out of certain bad situations.

Over the years I learned I had my own personal North Star which guided me through many bad times. Of course there were the times when I was a novice transvestite or cross dresser when my mirror let me down and I was roundly laughed at when I tried to go out in public. Tears flowed when I made it back to the safety of my own home. After I dried my tears I was able to check out my own North Star and determine which direction I should take next. Time after time, my star showed me the way to trying over and over again until I finally began to improve my presentation and my confidence began to improve. 

More than anything I needed my North Star to guide me when I was in times of need. Most of my need was felt when I was trying to decide to go ever forward in my gender transition.  Each step required more and more of an effort to shed my old male past and acquire a new female future. Naturally I had a lot to lose such as a good job, family, and long time friends. I was obsessed with the process I found myself in. I had so much to lose but one of the main positives I felt about the process was I felt so natural when I actively pursued my feminine side. Which, if I followed my North Star I would have known my feminine self was by far my dominate side.

I was stubborn and after many dark cloudy nights when I couldn't see my North Star, I blundered ahead trying to find my way in the world. What was happening was I was stripping all of my old male privileges and not replacing them with anything. There just had to be more to being a transgender woman than just looking the part. There was but I had to follow the lead of my star to find it. I learned quickly the feminine privilege I felt was mainly an internal process. What occurred was I found I lost my intelligence but gained my confidence to not care. More importantly I learned whatever woman I was about to become, there was a cis-woman already doing it. If I wanted to still be into sports, I found friends who shared my interest was a primary example.

The more I learned, the more I needed my North Star to guide me. I was in uncharted territory, I had no history growing up as a girl to fall back on. I needed to know who to trust when I met strangers in public, both men and women. Other women were especially difficult to judge because they were skilled back stabbers. Many times I would escape without scars after an encounter with another woman who I thought accepted me. 

When I arrived at the point when I needed to consider throwing my male past totally behind me  and begin hormone replacement therapy. I needed plenty of alone time with my North Star to decide which gender direction I would take. The more I researched my future, the more I came up with the same answer...I was destined to lead the rest of my life as a transgender woman. Fulltime without ever looking back. My North Star after much deliberation, led me to the right decision and I decided to move forward in my transition.

When I did, there were still many gender hills to climb but most importantly I didn't feel lost anymore. My transgender North Star led me in the right direction.