You "Gotta" Own It

 

Image from Alysha Rosly 

As a transgender person, one of the main accessories we can have is confidence. 

Of course, when we change genders, confidence is very difficult to come by and then even possess. In my case I needed to go out in the public's eye sometimes in very questionable outfits before I finally learned what I could do to survive as a transgender woman. Even though I was going through times of being stared at (or worse) somehow I needed to pay my dues and own up to what I wore, before I could hurry home and change into a more realistic outfit which was better for my testosterone poisoned body shape. The whole process was very difficult but I survived and slowly build a very fragile confidence. 

One of the main problems is the human animal is in fact an apex predator and showing any weakness is similar to having blood in the water around sharks. Seemingly, some humans are better in sensing weakness or even uneasiness in others. If you are a novice transvestite and/or transgender person, it takes a lot of will power to have confidence in your new found ability to blend in with the public. I vividly remember so many days when I thought I had it all together just to be destroyed by one person with a mis-placed comment in public. The whole process would quickly send me back home to reconsider everything I was attempting to do with my gender presentation. One example came when I was minding my own business shopping one morning in the women's clothing section of a favorite store when I tried not to encounter a young girl running around in the store. She was better than I was when she found me and exclaimed loudly to her Mom, "Look at the big lady!...the big mean lady!" 

I quickly thought well at least she did call me a lady but resolved to do something about the old ingrained male scowl on my face. As my new self, I certainly did not want to appear unfriendly or even mean to others. Lesson learned as the Mom retrieved her child and rapidly left the store. The only other negative I ever faced in a clothing store which really hurt my confidence was when a clerk took an unappreciative look at my short skirt and said something to the point that I better cover up those big old legs. I didn't buy anything and never returned to that store again. 

Through it all, I did manage to build upon my fragile confidence all the way to point where I could own my existence. I became so confident I thought if someone had a problem with my gender existence, it was their problem, not mine. Once I made it to this point, I was able to relax more and enjoy the new exciting gender path I was on. But looking back, it was never an easy journey for me. 

First and foremost, the biggest problem I had was, I needed to go all the way mentally as far as my desire to live as a transgender woman. I do think, along the way, my old male self was working in the background to sabotage any idea of living fulltime as a woman. Once I shook him off totally, I was able to continue to build my confidence and own who I was.   

"Passing" as a Goal

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Archives

First of all, let me contradict myself and use the term "presenting" instead of "passing". I just think it is more appropriate because presenting describes more accurately what we are trying to achieve. By saying I was trying to "pass", I was just trying to fool someone into thinking I was a woman. By presenting, I was seeking to show an authentic look at my inner feminine self. 

Whatever I referred to it as, the fact remained I was obsessed with doing it. I wish I had back a fraction of the time I wasted admiring all other women and wondering if or how I could ever look the same. What happened was I grew more and more frustrated with my results when I cross dressed and tried to admire myself in the mirror. The only relief I received was when the mirror lied to me and told me I was an attractive woman. The relief was short lived and very soon I was a very difficult person to live with as my gender frustrations increased. 

Very slowly and with a huge amount of effort, I was able to better learn the artform of makeup and which clothes actually flattered my male body. Even still, it took me years and years to get to the point when I could concentrate on being my authentic self rather than looking like a person I wanted to be. Nothing changed until the wonderful evening when I finally decided what I was trying to do or go with my life. By this time I was seriously considering I was more transgender than anything else. Considering it more than living it was a different experience all together. To do it, I needed to quit obsessing on "passing" and start "presenting" myself as a total feminine person. I chose a venue where I knew single, professional women were accepted and after a stern talking to myself, in I went to sample what turned out to be a new life. I was terrified to say the least.

After the evening turned out to be a success, I knew me "passing" was forever gone and now I could move on to exploring how my life could turn out if I lived my dream to live as a fulltime transgender woman. Deep down I knew I could never go back to living as my old unwanted male life. I will never forget the evening and I am sure if my life indeed does flash before my eyes, I will see the evening again. That's an idea of how important the entire happening was. Plus, once just "passing" ceased to be a major part of my life, the being a fulltime transgender woman became another obsession.  I set out to try to do new and different scenarios in which I put myself in situations an everyday woman would face. Examples were when I decided to lessen my visits to malls and clothing stores and try to eat and associate more with the staffs at different restaurants I could go to.

Since this entire post has been primarily dealing with semantics anyhow, I guess you can say I associated "passing" with being a cross dresser or transvestite and presenting with being a transgender woman. None of it really mattered to me, if I was advancing my goal to live my new gender dream.  Which destiny showed me the way to do as it turned out to be a life or death situation.   

It's a New World

 

Raquel 

Without bringing up too much unpleasant history, it was possibly the time of Donald tRumpt's election when it became more and more in vogue to outwardly criticize transgender citizens.  I have an example. 

A long time acquaintance of mine moved from Ohio to Texas eight years ago and lives full time as a transgender woman, mostly with no problems. Recently though all of that changed when she went to a diner she knows well. Her name is Raquel and here is a partial look at what went down:

"I avoid news/politics. But I feel like I'm on people's radar lately. Yesterday as I was walking out of a diner, two drunk couples were in a booth, and this big tough guy gets my attention...

"GUY: Hey! You're not a dude, are you?

ME: [loudly] F***. You.

GUY: I'll take that as a yes!

(his friends are kinda looking around like WTF I'm not part of this)

GUY: No, you're beautiful! You had me fooled!

Coincidentally, this was the 8th anniversary of the day I moved to Texas, and it was also one of the only times I've been carrying pepper spray with me. Because people are crazy. And something's up. And nothing would make me happier than hitting this guy in the face with cop-strength capsaicin."

First of all, I admire Raquel's courage in not backing down from this guy but I remember her well and am not surprised. Years ago, she was with me the night three drunk guys started playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" non stop at a sports bar we were at. Both of us were determined not to back down and let them chase us out of the venue. I am also surprised all she was carrying was pepper spray. I believe she has gone through firearms training.

I get the feeling the public these days is more emboldened to leave their comfort zones and challenge our transgender ones. It is sad we have to go through all of this as well as all the anti-LGBTQ or transgender bills in the state legislatures these days. Little does the public know we have been a part of them since history has begun and we are not going anywhere now.

Even still it is important to note it is a new world and I am always prepared to be confronted about my gender status when my wife Liz and I go out in public. We have not gone as far as buying pepper spray but have equipped our key chains with devices which could be used to stab and hurt would be attackers.

More than ever before, it is time to be aware of our surroundings as transgender women. It doesn't look as if these times are going away anytime soon.