Staying Out of Your Own Way

Image from Joshua Rawson
Harris on UnSplash

As we follow our journey to live as our authentic gender selves we often encounter many roadblocks as well as twists and turns along the way. Naturally, it is very difficult to keep moving forward. Due to impostor syndrome or any other reason, I always had a difficult time accepting the gains I had made as a transgender woman. 

Also the entire backward process could have been due to the number of times I was rejected in public when I first began to leave my closet and explore the world. Looking back, I think too I expected way too much from my feminine presentation. For example, I wanted so badly to be mistaken for a cis woman, it became my entire goal. When, in fact, I was doing fine with being accepted as a transgender woman in the world.  To get to the point of accepting myself, I had to get out of my own way. I needed to realize what was real and what was false and proceed from there. In order to accomplish it, I needed to go through several other major transitions.  

One of the biggest transitions I went through I write about often. It was when I finally decided to quit obsessing just how I appeared as a woman and begin concentrating more on the reality of the situation. In other words, I set out to see if I could be accepted in a world of other women when I went to an upscale bar near a mall where professional women met when they got off of work. To try it, I needed to dress in my finest professional women's outfit I owned to try to blend in. Even though I had experienced some success in trying a similar move in the past, I was still terrified of what I was getting myself into. It was the first time in my life I was stripping myself of all the hard earned white male privilege I had built up and attempted to start all over again. I am certain much of my terrified thoughts came from knowing this had the chance of being a life changing experience. If I was successful, there was no way I could ever go back. 

The rest of the story that night was I was very successful. I learned I could breathe and enjoy my first experience being a woman in the world. Plus I was treated with respect by the staff of the venue I visited.  From there you would think, staying out of my own way would be easier but it wasn't.  The biggest problem I faced was I still had the misconception of which gender I was dressing for. I set out to please my old male self by trying to dress as a few of the sexy women I had admired over the years. The obstacle was my testosterone poisoned body just didn't lend itself to being sexy. All I did was turn out looking trashy. Once I figured it out and began to dress to blend, I started to get out of my own way and began to discover a stable path to discovering my true feminine self. 

From then on, all I needed to really do was try to determine how I was going to approach the inevitable...some day I would have to live my reality by letting my male past go. To get out of my own way and live fulltime as a transgender woman. 

Hormonal Visit

 My endocrinologist visit is coming up and most importantly we review my blood lab results and primarily for me, she monitors my hormonal levels. 

In many ways, my estrogen and or estradiol blood levels are my life. Years ago when I started hormone replacement therapy, I was careful to seek out a physician to help me. I did not want to follow down the path of unmonitored hormone programs I had seen other transgender women undertake. The excesses of foreign purchased estradiol are easy to see and even easier to come by on line. Plus, since I was older (in my early sixties) I very much wanted a professional to evaluate me to see if I was healthy enough to begin HRT. When I was, I was elated. I couldn't wait to begin the new hormones and experience the changes which would follow. 

Each time I write a post on HRT, I warn everyone to seek medical advice and the results you will experience will vary widely due to many factors. Variables include your age, your dosage and even how you administer the medications.  Age of course effects the hormones already in your body. At the age of sixty (plus) my male hormone testosterone would naturally be in decline. Allowing the estradiol an easier path to begin it's changes. Dosage for me, similar to many others, started at a minimum level to see how my body tolerated the changes. I even went through a period of time early into my HRT when my endocrinologist stopped me from taking my hormones all together for another health scare I went through. Finally there are several ways to administer your hormones. I started my process on pills which were advised against by my first "Endo." Then I went to patches which I am on now. The other popular way to take hormonal doses is through injections which I have heard is the most effective way to do it. Since I have never been a fan of taking injections, I stayed with my patches which have allowed me to experience the changes I so desired.

Since my "changes" were slowed with my initial minimum hormonal dosages, I still showed amazing progress. To me, in no time at all, I experienced magical changes including breast growth, softer skin and increased hair on my head which was exactly opposite of the hair disappearing from my body. Except my beard of course. In record time I went from appearing as a macho male all the way to being a very androgynous person. Even though my outward appearance was feminized, it turned out my inner feelings changed too. As I went through my initial hot flashes, at the same time my inner thermostat became broken and I was cold all the time. I found out quickly how cis women were not making things up and their emotions were real. My lifetime of not being able to cry as a man changed rapidly the first time my emotions overcame me and I cried before a summer thunderstorm. 

Through it all, I have labored under the possibility I could have problems and have to stop my hormone replacement therapy, Since I have the benefit of having two Veterans Administration nurse practitioners reviewing my blood work before it gets to my endo, I don't anticipate any problems with my HRT continuing the way it has been. Even still, I have my share of anxiety over any potential results.  

Business Trips

 

Image from Christopher 
Ivanov on UnSplash

As I look back on many facets of my life I wonder how I was able to hide the many times I was able to escape the house and explore the world as a woman. Several of the more exciting and enlightening experiences happened on business trips I was scheduled to do by my employer. 

I worked for a very successful regional restaurant company and I ran one of the most profitable units and I was a managerial training manager. As such I was required once a quarter to make the trip (approximately two hundred miles) to the company's headquarters in Lexington, Kentucky.  When I was told to go to the training sessions it did not take me long to figure out how to attend the meetings as well as take the time to go out and explore the world. It was exciting to not have the same old time requirements I encountered when I was at home. Once I did I found a whole new exciting world I had mostly only dreamed of.  I only just had to figure out how to pack a whole other set of clothes. 

If you are not familiar, Lexington Kentucky is the home of the University of Kentucky and as such had several large gay or LGBT bars/clubs. I immediately located one of the clubs close to the hotel I was staying in. The only drawback I faced was classes started on time at eight in the morning, so I needed to be prepared for the early hour. It turned out to be not much of a problem since the gay club turned out to be quiet when I went in there during the week, plus I was relatively early for the majority of the other clientele to arrive. As I recall, the only person of interest I saw was another cross dresser. Who I didn't talk to. Even though I was satisfied with going out on the first night as always I needed more. Since the training day I was scheduled for was just that, one day, I told my second wife the session really lasted two days so I could take the extra day to play around. 

For my second day, I decided to stop half way back in Cincinnati and check out a couple of the more exciting gay venues I had heard of before. Before I did, I needed to find a motel room to change in plus I needed to make sure I could pay cash for the room so my wife couldn't see any strange receipts on our monthly bank statement. I am not proud now of how far I went to hide my gender issues but only mention them to show you where I was mentally at the time. At any rate, once I dressed in my best mini skirted black outfit with heels and hose I finally found the large gay venue I had heard so much about, I went in and after one drink encountered a very drunk guy who was showing me quite a lot of attention. Initially, I was flattered until another woman showed up who turned out to be his wife. Fortunately for me she saved all of her hostility for him and I thought I could be in real trouble when he said to her "Why don't you have legs like her (meaning me)." By that time I was preparing to make myself scarce from the bar and headed to the restroom. When I returned, the couple had left and I was safe from being a part of a domestic disturbance. As it turned out, it was the last time I was ever in the venue. It has long since closed.

Along the way, I left the company I worked for to start my own restaurant and I had no more business trips to contend with. I had to come up with other ways to express my feminine side. Sadly it wasn't too long after that my life took a severe turn for the worse. I lost nearly all the friends I had to cancer, my second wife to a heart attack and my restaurant to an economic recession. Maybe it was a touch of karma coming back to haunt me for all the sneaking around I did so I did not have to face up to knowing the truth about myself. All along my truth was I should have been trying to live as a full time transgender woman much sooner than I did.