It Takes a Village

In My Messy 
Gender Closet from
the Jessie Hart
Collection.

Even the most secure transgender person (woman or man) would probably admit transitioning was never easy. Some would admit to having transitional help while some transgender individuals had very little assistance. In my case it took a village after a certain point. By that I mean I spent my formative transvestite years very alone to experiment with my mirror.  Every time I was able to afford a new piece of feminine clothing and/or makeup, I was certain I was the prettiest girl in the room. Which was easy to do because I was the only person in the room to start with. I spent my life fearing going out in public but on the other hand wanting to so badly.

In many cases, what happened next in my transition was predictable. I learned the hard way the mirror wasn't my friend and when I finally faced the public. I write often about my poor fashion choices which led to abuse. Even with all the rejection I was facing, I still pushed forward on my own petrified of anyone close learning of my gender secrets. This continued into my days in the military when my appearance as a woman at a Halloween party led me to coming out as a transvestite to several close friends, including my first wife. Once I admitted to them my "costume" wasn't a fluke, it felt like a tremendous load had been removed from my shoulders and it was possible to begin to locate and build what would turn out to be my transgender village. Sadly, I wasn't able to seriously work on my village for years after that. I even attempted to come out of my closet to my Mom but she slammed the door shut.

It wasn't until I began to have success presenting as a woman did my village began to change. As it turned out I did not find the village as much as it found me. The more I ventured out into the public as my new feminine self, it seemed the more the public wanted to know about me if I went to the proper places. I started slowly when I started visiting certain clothing stores and malls on a regular basis. Very soon I grew tired of those places and needed a challenge to see if I could exist as a transgender woman in the world. That is when I began to stop places for a sit down lunch to interact with the staff. I was shocked how fast the public seemed to think I fit in and wanted to even communicate with me.  Communication with the public was something I had never considered because the mirror had never talked back to me. 

Amazingly to me, chances came along for me to build my new village fairly rapidly. I began to be invited to girls nights outs as well as being accepted into small  mixed gender groups in the venues I became a regular in. Looking back, I am sure I had the opportunity to easily stand  out in the crowd, even if it was only because I was bigger than most women. I found once I had reached this point of acceptance, I needed more help in building my village and I found it with the help of several cis-women I used to hang out with repeatedly. My formative gender days with all of them helped me to set the foundation to become the new woman I always dreamed of being. I can never say enough how much they all helped me when it came to me leaving my new village and venturing out. All of a sudden, my closet became a village and it was time to move on with all the help I found. I think my future wife Liz said it best to me when she said very few people have the chance to start over in life. It was my chance to make the best of it.

I did try to make the best of my new life by allowing my long suppressed feminine soul to take control and enjoy her chance to live. She definitely made the most of her chance to shine...with tons of help of my old village.  

Passing as a Woman out of Sheer Will

Photo from the 
Jessie Hart 
Collection

When you come right down to it, there are many ways to actually pass as a woman. Of course the first way is to attempt to try to know what feminine attributes you might have and go from there. Sadly the whole process entails more work than some are willing to spend time with. Others consider it a labor of love. 

When I first began my serious gender journey to live as my authentic self, I needed to discover without a doubt what my authentic self was all about.  All I really knew was that deep down inside I had never given up the idea I was a girl who was on her way to future womanhood...If I could figure out how do do it.  Seeing as how I possessed very few feminine attributes, my femininization process involved quite a bit of trial and even more error. If it wasn't for low cost thrift stores, I don't know what I would have been able to do. At those stores, I was able to buy low cost women's clothes to experiment with. The whole process took awhile but finally I began to understand the fashion basics I needed to over come my broad shoulders, no hips, and thick torso. I think now I had a one in five chance of finding a fashion accessory that made sense and helped me to work towards my goal of looking as good as I could. Through it all I kept thinking if a blouse, slacks or skirt was big enough to fit another woman, I could wear it also. 

Another major point I came up to encourage myself was, not all cis women passed as a woman either. I did my own research and came up with the idea a cis woman who may not have passing privilege makes it  in life because she makes the best of what nature gave her. Examples would be certain body parts (such as legs or breasts) which stand out all the way to a sparkling personality. At this point my thought processes changed. So what if I would never be the prettiest girl in the room, at the least I could still be the girl and be there. In many ways my new thoughts took the pressure off me striving to perfect my presentation and all of the sudden I was able to take better care of my skin and lose nearly fifty pounds on a diet. Through it all I had to tell myself I was doing the best I could with what I had to work with.  But, then again I still could fall back on all the lectures my parents gave me which said nothing was ever good enough and I could try harder.

During this part of my life, I was going through a period of immense gender discovery. For the first time ever I was going to new venues designed to test my boundaries as a new transgender woman. Most I was successful in, some I was not.  I ran the gamut from being totally accepted and even welcomed as a sign the venue was diverse in it's thinking all the way to being kicked out with the cops being called. Plus, it was during this time I was able to meet and establish friendships with a very supportive and fun group of people I could socialize with as I was desperately lonely. One of the group was another transgender woman who one night told me I passed out of sheer will power. Ironically I knew what she was saying and it took me back to the realization I had years ago. So what if I wasn't the prettiest woman in the room, I still was a woman and that was all which was important. 

These days, for years and years, I have left my old male self behind and have reached the point of having the confidence to live my gender truth full time. If someone has a problem with me, it is their problem not mine.  It most certainly took me long enough to get thereand I had support to do it but mostly my gift of sheer will power put me over the top. 

Power is Fleeting

 

Image Courtesy Markus Winkler
on UnSplash

Transitioning from male to female in the world is an very specific way to understand the basics of gender power. By power I mean gender privilege. I know it didn't take long for me to experience the loss of my male privilege's.  

First of all, learning to present as well as possible as a woman was sort of a double edged sword. Of course being able to get out of my closet and live feminine was a new, exciting yet scary experience. And, being able to be accepted as a woman in a group of men taught me several immediate lessons. One night, somehow, I don't remember why or how I became part of a conversation between myself and three other men. Immediately and predictably I was ignored and my opinions discounted simply because I was there to start with and feminine in looks. I thought at the time, so this was how my life was going to change more dramatically than I thought when I began to feel comfortable as a transgender woman in public. Then, there were the times I was approached because I was transgender and appealed to a certain kind of man. Sadly, many times I faced only fitting into a sexual adventure with them and nothing else which never appealed to me. 

I think overall these days many men are panicked about being men in the classic sense.  Perhaps it is part of the reason an overwhelmingly amount of old white men are attempting to erase any or all of the very few transgender rights. Down deep these men are threatened by strong women and trans women by nature are the strongest of all. Because we had to be to survive. All along as we transitioned, educational and employment opportunities became very rare. Plus these were a few new of the gender lessons we had to learn made us a tribe full of survivors.  As I said, I learned my lesson early when I gave up my hard earned male privileges to live as a second class gender citizen in the mind of many men. I was fortunate in that I experienced being "taken in" by understanding women who told me welcome to their world when I was "mansplained" by a man. 

Also, it is no secret cis men are by nature more insecure sexually than women.  Their insecurities could be why the death toll among transgender women tragically continues to rise year after year. Too many men are attracted to trans women then their insecurities step in and they become violent. Of course far too many cis-women have to deal with violent men who think their only real power over women comes from their physical ability to over power them. The men know deep down the women are intellectually and emotionally stronger. In other words, they can survive on so many levels without a man.

I also think the gender political bigots are scared to death of the younger generation who, for the most part is more liberal and gender blind than their parents. The same parents who are quibbling over drag shows instead of the real issues which threaten our society. As the bigots strive to hold on to their power which is slipping away, they don't realize transgender people have always existed and always will. No matter the obstacles which are thrown in our way. 

Even though my overall dealings with men as a transgender woman have been few and far between, I still remember the early days of losing my male privilege's. Some were down right shocking (safely) while others were more mellow (communication) but all of them proved to me how gender power can be fleeting.