Transgender versus Bi-Polar

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Years ago, when I was diagnosed having a Bi-Polar disorder, suddenly a portion of my life I had struggled through so long made sense. At the time I was going through terrible long lasting mood swings that often lasted for days on end. On some days I found it very difficult to even get out of bed and go to work. Plus, to make matters worse I tried to self medicate with immense amounts of alcohol.  At the time I was seeing one of the only gender psychologists in Ohio at the time. Ironically, she almost said immediately she couldn't "cure" my gender desires to be a girl but started to question me in depth concerning the immense mood swings I was suffering through. After a very short time she explained to me my moods were not all attributed to my gender dysphoria but in reality I was suffering Bi-Polar issues. 

At the time, I was relieved. She started me on medications which I remain on to this day. In addition I was able to separate the problems which were hurting my everyday life. At times it seemed unfair I needed to live with being transgender as well as Bi-Polar at the same time. But who ever said life would be fair (said my parents). 

Once I found my way into the Veteran's Administration health care system, I needed to separate my two main issues. I certainly did not want one issue to interfere with the other and somehow the "experts" would say my Bi-Polar condition was due to me being transgender. Then my quest to be approved for hormone replacement therapy would be rejected. At this time I was assigned to a therapist I would never forget. Destiny was smiling on me and way back then there were few therapists who knew little to nothing about transgender issues. Defying all the odds, I was assigned to one of the few VA therapists who did. She never questioned  my two issues and immediately began to fill out and approve the paperwork to allow me to begin HRT.  At the same time she cleared the way for me to continue my Bi-Polar treatment so my moods and excess anxiety was kept under control.  I was with my therapist non stop until last month when both of us decided it was time to conclude our sessions since so many others needed it too and VA staffing levels weren't getting any better. I am extra fortunate also to have an understanding wife  who can help with any of my mental health issues. 

In my past I have encountered several other transgender individuals who said as soon as they completed their gender transition all their anxiety and/or depression faded away.  I was just not as fortunate.  For better or for worse it seems my Bi-Polar issues are irrevocably intertwined with me being a transgender woman. It is something I just had to learn to live with. With a lot of help!

Making It

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart Archives

 In many ways this post is an extension of yesterdays which mentioned the feelings you had when you saw your true self for the first time. In this post, I am going to look at the point you when you figured you had achieved a portion of your gender goals. My example is looking back to when I started to break out of my gender closet and explore the world as my feminine self. 

It all happened when I got past dressing as a trashy teen girl in a male body and learned more or less what I could wear to fit in and blend in with the public at large. Without attracting undo attention to myself.  The hard way I learned the meaning of fashion styles such as business professional and boho to name a few. If I wanted to blend in with other professional well dressed women at an upscale mall, I would dress in my best business professional outfit. I was able to purchase on sale a beautiful black pants suit I loved which I paired with black heels or flats and my shoulder length blond wig and never had a problem when I went to an upscale venue. To this day, I wish I had a picture but I don't. 

On the other hand I had several "Boho" influenced outfits I wore frequently to the other venues I went to such as sports bars. The fashion influence came as close as I could come to my late college, pre Army days when I yearned to be influenced by the hippie style of the women I admired. The true success to both of the fashion styles I was attempting was I was all of the sudden "making it" in the public's eye. When I did, I found I could then concentrate on the finer challenges of being a woman. Which up till then, I thought was an impossible goal. In other words, I could concentrate on moving more femininely as well as the most important challenge of all...communicating one on one with other women. Initially I was caught off guard with how many women wanted to start a conversation with me. Looking back, I am sure the great majority of them were just curious of why a former male person would want to join their world. Conversation starters such as I love your earrings were common. When it happened I was scared even more because then I had to rely upon my challenged vocal skills to get by. 

Ironically, making it on occasion brought more challenges than benefits. Every time I made it to one goal such as basic communication, it all felt so natural I needed to move forward to another equally as distant goal. Such as maintaining my feminine self longer and longer before I needed to go back to my unwanted old male self. The longer I waited to go back, the more distant his memory became and the only real hold he had on me was the love I felt for my wife of twenty five years who was adamantly against my final trnasition to a all feminine lifestyle. When she tragically passed away from a heart attack at the age of fifty, my path was suddenly open to change my gender lifestyle to be a full time transgender woman. 

Finally, when all the expected and unexpected effects of hormone replacement therapy set in, I knew I had all the help I needed to never turn back. I most certainly had reached the true point of making it.

Meeting Yourself the First Time

 

Cell Phone Picture from the 
Jessie Hart Collection

Perhaps you remember when you glanced in the mirror and saw your true, authentic self looking back. I know I do. It was such a long time ago, I wondered if I thought this is great but what do I do next. What I ended up doing was going on a lifelong search to discover the feeling of meeting myself again. For the most part the process led me to an often ill fated worship of mirrors. The only other outlet available to me was the invention of disposable camera's. I took the pictures to a drive thru kiosk to be processed. Which led me to an embarrassing moment when I turned in a roll of film which turned out to be less than flattering and then having it developed by someone I knew. From the look on his face when I picked my pictures up, I knew he had a fairly good idea I was a cross dresser. 

The only other alternative available to me was the Polaroid camera when it was invented and coming into it's own commercially. As I remember, the pictures were very expensive to make up for a do it yourself photo experience. Even though I managed to buy a camera finding someone to take a picture became the real problem. I had considered the fact I thought I looked fairly good as a cross dresser in the mirror but how did it all relate to how I appeared in a picture. Which is as far as I could sneak out of my gender closet at the time. Plus, I had just started to receive my cherished editions of "Transvestia" magazine, so I was eager to compare myself to all the featured transvestites I saw there.  Somehow, someway I convinced my wife to take a few pictures of the real me so I could look. 

As I try to remember all those years ago, I still can't say I was seeing any more than the occasional sight of my true self. I was probably teased enough to think I was but all in all I was still missing the mark. I was so desperate to open the door of my gender closet anything I tried looked good by comparison to my old, boring unwanted male self. 

These days, cell phones and their advanced cameras are everywhere and it is difficult to remember when they weren't. I remember vividly of trying to talk my wife into buying me a new cell phone with a camera so I could sneak around and take pictures of myself. Sadly she had passed away before I attempted to become proficient at taking pictures of myself on a cell phone. Now, with all the photo apps available to nearly everyone, you have to take most pictures you see with a grain of salt. Many are out and out fakes. Regardless, it is still a luxury to me to be able to have such a convenient portable device with me which can help me document my true self.

Amazingly, meeting myself for the fist time still happens over and over again when I get up and look at myself in the mirror. Some days I am pleasantly surprised when I see a feminine person looking back at me. On other days, the opposite happens and I am depressed when I see my old masculine self still peeking back at me. Anymore I am used to the process and just move on before my gender dysphoria can return in full force and depress me. One thing is for sure, the ability to meet yourself for the first time is never boring.