Transgender Euphoria

 

Photo Courtesy 
Jessie Hart

Yesterday was my quarterly appointment to see the dentist. Dental is the only medical related service I don't receive from the Veteran's Administration.

 Surprisingly (or not) I have never been mis-gendered when I have been there. Equally as surprising to me was the informational questionnaire I needed to fill out before my initial appointment. The questionnaire included a fairly deep dive into what my gender was and how I wanted my preferences as far as pronouns etc. to be. Amazingly, someone must have read my answers because from day one I was referred to as "she". Yesterday was no different. I was just there for a cleaning and my insurance unexpectedly covered nearly the entire cost so I was happy. I didn't have to fight for my gender and pay for the privilege. 

From there I needed to stop at a fast food drive thru and pick up lunch for my wife Liz and I. For as long as I can remember, drive thru's have always been a challenge for me due to concerns over my voice. I can't tell you how many times I have been called "sir" at the speaker and then be subjected to funny looks when I pulled forward to pick up my order. Yesterday was what I considered a neutral win because the woman was so busy with everything she was doing, she didn't have time to consider or even care about my gender. In no time at all, with no side glances or comments to other employees I was on my way with our food. 

My final stop of the day was a trip to the pharmacy to pick up medicine. Normally it is another neutral gender experience with no pronouns attached. But yesterday for some reason was different and the young man at the window unexpectedly called me "Ma'am". All of a sudden, in an instant, the sky was bluer and even the bitter taste in my mouth from what the hygienist used to polish my teeth went away. Gender euphoria was wonderful. 

The rare ability to be able to experience gender euphoria makes the process so wonderful when it occurs, even in so small doses. I wrote about it briefly in my "Customizable Gender" post recently. Among other points I attempted to go into, the process when we change genders stand out as important when we start all over to build a complex transgender woman person. Fellow  blogger "Paula Godwin" picked up on the idea and commented:

"I often reflect that one of the (few) advantages of being a transgender woman of "a certain age" is that I had opportunities that very few women my age had ~ in sport, music, education, and employment all of which definitely favored men." 

As always, thank you Paula for the comment. Indeed, when you have the chance to experience the privileges of living as both of the primary genders, you have the opportunity to be a better person.  Transgender euphoria only makes the experience more worthwhile.

A Brave New Gender Path

 

In essence, every turn we take down the path can involve us making our way into a brave new gender world. Little did I know how long the path would be or how many twists and turns it would take. Often I think I should have known more about the gender change process before I started. On the other hand, I was deeply protected from the world in my very dark and isolated gender closet. Even though I was dealt many setbacks as I tried to appear feminine, I was able to experience just enough gender euphoria to help me continue on my journey .

Very early in my life I found I could run my own newspaper route and save my allowance from doing odd jobs around the house to save money to buy my own feminine items such as makeup, hose and even shoes. Then I discovered saving the money was the easy part. Just exactly how was I going to be able to get to a store to spend it because I was still of pre-driving age and only had my bicycle to try to make it into town. I found where there is a will, there is a way when you are dealing with the powerful urge to cross dress and look like a girl. Since my Grandma lived in our nearby city very close to downtown, I could make an excuse to want to go in a see her for a day when I had the chance. From her house I could easily walk downtown to several stores who specialized partially in selling makeup and other women's items. 

Once I summoned the courage to try to shop for the first time on my own, I needed to be extremely careful because my Dad also worked downtown and it would be hell if I was ever discovered.  Little did I know, being discovered by Dad would not be the only hell I would face. Once I found the cosmetic section, I was ill equipped to be prepared for all the different products and brands I was suddenly faced with buying. I remember to this day the panic I felt when for the first time in my life I picked out a few select makeup items and even a pair of my own panty hose. I was flying blind for the most part on what shades of lipstick or foundation to buy but the panty hose decision was much easier since I could buy the largest size the store carried. 

In what seemed like an eternity, I made my selections and gathered my courage to take them to the checkout line. My nervousness I felt would give me away and a suspicious clerk would ask me what I was doing with all the items I had hurriedly selected. All my nerves proved to be wrong and I think the bored clerk never even looked up to see who she was checking out. I paid my hard earned money, looked around again for my Dad and headed back to my Grandma's where I easily hid my purchases. Like it or not, my brave new gender world was beginning to change. During the course of the next few decades I began to learn how deep my gender dysphoria would go into my soul and how far I would go to try to satisfy a  journey often filled with terror and euphoria as I followed the best I could all the gender mileposts. Mileposts which led me finally to a brave new gender world. I am sure I will write more on the subject in later posts. 

The Customizable Gender

Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives

One of the positive aspects of being a transgender woman I feel is we have the chance to customize our gender. 

Often it is a lifelong process as we learn to live as our authentic selves.  We start by admiring the girls around us who we  were sent to school with or even grew up with when we had sisters. Somehow I knew I had to learn first hand to finally live as a woman. In fact, when I was young, and someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, the only true answer I could never give was I wanted to be a girl. To say something like that would have resulted in severe repercussions, so I kept my mouth shut and opinions about my gender to myself. 

It took me many years of suffering and wondering what my true problem was to finally embrace my true gender and learn a happiness I never thought I could ever find. In my family, happiness was a fleeting emotion we never saw. Whatever good happened, you could always do better. And, if you had any sort of a problem, you could just get over it. Vintage thought from my parents who came from the WWII-great depression era. I always point out my parents were great providers but poor emotional providers. Certainly not the best atmosphere for a transgender child. Relying solely on myself somehow I made it through my emotional wasteland and managed to grow up on my own terms while hiding my severe gender dysphoria. 

What I learned from that time of my life was I could be forced into a male existence I never wanted and basically survive doing things I didn't really enjoy. I tried sports but never really excelled and tried my hand at auto mechanics which I hated. Not ever knowing completely why I was so miserable, I persisted. Looking back, the only positives I learned were what I never wanted to do as a male in my life. I kept thinking if I could ever make it to my goal of living as a woman, I could have the chance to remake myself into the person I could only dream of.

As I finally had the chance to experience a feminine life in the mirror, I was able to experiment with different clothing options and makeup choices. Quickly I learned the new life I was living in secret was just the beginning. I was faced with learning the multi faceted life cis women lived. I became the customizable gender as I learned to live a life in a brand new world. Ironically, the more I explored, the more natural I became as my long closeted feminine inner self took over my life. I could tell, she felt life should have always been this way.

Finally, I began to think of my life being a blessing in so many ways. How many other guys get the opportunity to break out of their boring existence and live the remarkable life of a transgender woman. Very few humans are afforded the chance to see both sides of the gender binary. We are truly the customizable gender.