In essence, every turn we take down the path can involve us making our way into a brave new gender world. Little did I know how long the path would be or how many twists and turns it would take. Often I think I should have known more about the gender change process before I started. On the other hand, I was deeply protected from the world in my very dark and isolated gender closet. Even though I was dealt many setbacks as I tried to appear feminine, I was able to experience just enough gender euphoria to help me continue on my journey .
Very early in my life I found I could run my own newspaper route and save my allowance from doing odd jobs around the house to save money to buy my own feminine items such as makeup, hose and even shoes. Then I discovered saving the money was the easy part. Just exactly how was I going to be able to get to a store to spend it because I was still of pre-driving age and only had my bicycle to try to make it into town. I found where there is a will, there is a way when you are dealing with the powerful urge to cross dress and look like a girl. Since my Grandma lived in our nearby city very close to downtown, I could make an excuse to want to go in a see her for a day when I had the chance. From her house I could easily walk downtown to several stores who specialized partially in selling makeup and other women's items.
Once I summoned the courage to try to shop for the first time on my own, I needed to be extremely careful because my Dad also worked downtown and it would be hell if I was ever discovered. Little did I know, being discovered by Dad would not be the only hell I would face. Once I found the cosmetic section, I was ill equipped to be prepared for all the different products and brands I was suddenly faced with buying. I remember to this day the panic I felt when for the first time in my life I picked out a few select makeup items and even a pair of my own panty hose. I was flying blind for the most part on what shades of lipstick or foundation to buy but the panty hose decision was much easier since I could buy the largest size the store carried.
In what seemed like an eternity, I made my selections and gathered my courage to take them to the checkout line. My nervousness I felt would give me away and a suspicious clerk would ask me what I was doing with all the items I had hurriedly selected. All my nerves proved to be wrong and I think the bored clerk never even looked up to see who she was checking out. I paid my hard earned money, looked around again for my Dad and headed back to my Grandma's where I easily hid my purchases. Like it or not, my brave new gender world was beginning to change. During the course of the next few decades I began to learn how deep my gender dysphoria would go into my soul and how far I would go to try to satisfy a journey often filled with terror and euphoria as I followed the best I could all the gender mileposts. Mileposts which led me finally to a brave new gender world. I am sure I will write more on the subject in later posts.
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