Gender Trigger Warning

 I love watching classic vintage movies. I especially love it when I see my love interest Robert Mitchum  or better yet get a brief view of a cigarette girl in a swanky nite club. As a youth I was always fascinated by Mitchum without even knowing why. Looking back now, I believe I had my first crush on a member of the male gender. I loved his cool yet aloof style. 

What really set off my youthful gender dysphoria were the cigarette girls peddling their toxic goods. I loved their hourglass figures squeezed into slinky black leotard tops. Worn with dark tights or stockings and heels of course. I thought at the time what a great idea for a Halloween costume but soon after that smoking was going out of fashion and I have never been a smoker. 

What never went away was my desire to be a sexy woman. I suppose my ideal was to be able to sell Robert Mitchum a pack of cigarettes as a sexy sales girl. 

I think my next crush on a male person, this time a real one, came in high school. I had a very close friend who I may have been a little too close to. We were literally the best of friends. I should point out nothing of a sexual nature ever happened but I can't say I never fantasized about being his girlfriend. All of this was an extension of my dysphoria working over time. 

Ironically, the older I became the fewer crushes I had with the male gender. I finally came to a point when being with a man was simply a validation of me being a woman. Being on the arm of a tall good looking man was my new fantasy. Then, when I learned I could attract more feminine attention than male attention. I didn't desire men at all. Even though I did have a couple quality male dates over a period of time. Especially the time Bob and I had a wonderful evening over a few drinks and the vintage motorcycle man I met after his ill fated marriage. Neither were fated to last for a number of reasons. Bob lived a distance away and my motorcycle crush ended up moving away shortly after we met. 

Both to me, including the other crushes I had were quick gender triggers. So quick, it took me many years and more wisdom to even realize exactly what they were.

At Least it wasn't Boring

 Looking back at a long transgender life, rather than being a whiney person concerning the experience and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to change directions. Slowly but surely I came to the conclusion my life was actually was fairly entertaining. After all, what would I be doing with all my free time if I wasn't obsessing about being a woman. Even sneaking out of my house cross dressed was a thrill unless I was laughed at. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart 

I used to think this time I was in training to be a novice transgender woman could have been better spent obsessing about my work or other hobbies which I was already doing. During this time I was able to secure a really good job in the food industry which helped me to understand more fully what women go through in the work place and the difficulties they faced attempting to balance family and work. 

Also looking back, I would have missed the thrill of learning the first time I could possibly exist in a feminine world and live a life long dream. Then there were the other parties I went to in Columbus, Ohio when I learned I fit in with the transgender women more than the cross dressers. Then, after I figured all of that out, there was the problem of what to do next. I had a good job, family and loving wife to consider. 

If I hadn't decided to go through with my gender transition where would I have been then? Most likely very miserable and lonely after my second wife passed away. I had lost most everything which was dear to me and was experiencing very dark times. As it was, at the first opportunity I chose to seriously consider my feminine inner self as a source of strength. I followed her into another gender world and never looked back. One of the main lessons she taught me was to embrace who I was and try to remember the good times I experienced over the years of learning to be a transgender woman. Not the bad. 

Then there was the catching up time I had to go through to be able to play in the girls sandbox or the time and effort it took to learn to dress like and fully communicate with other women. I equate the process with what genetic females go through when they are socialized as women. It took awhile to shake off old male tendencies so I could grow into the woman I wanted to become. Once I did, I found I could face the world with more confidence than ever before. Plus, the process was sometimes terrifying and far from being boring.

The end result for me being able to live a transgender life was the benefit of being able to experience both sides of the binary genders (male and female.) The knowledge I gained was sometimes painful but so worth it in the end. I know intimately now how testosterone affects a man and how estrogen affects a woman. Priceless knowledge when it comes to never being bored. 

A Layered Life

One of the many things I admired about women were they are multi faceted human beings. While men were fixated on power such as sports, money and of course other women, the women they were fixated on had so many other facets of their lives to be fixated on. After all, none of us would be here if it wasn't for women birthing us. 

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

The first major thing I fixated on with women was their clothes. They were the pretty gender. Women were able to buy and wear the colorful clothes and obsess on their hair and makeup.  Here I was jealousy and all working hard delivering newspapers and saving my pittance to sneak out and buy my own clothes and makeup. I was fixated and driven to be a girl. 

Why was the good question. As a man all I had to do was compete with other men for my share of the power which came with male privilege especially since I was white. One of the problems I continued to have was I wanted to be chased as a woman, not be the chaser. Little did I know my future would not be with a man but with other women. 

As far as women's attachment to families, I didn't birth my daughter but in many ways we are so close I could have. So I feel comfortable talking about and comparing family stories with other women. The only thing I couldn't share in of course were all the experiences of actual child birth. 

In many ways, I believe hormone replacement therapy has helped me to learn more of what a woman goes through in her daily life. After years of thought I finally came up with a description of my biggest change...my world just softened with the effects of HRT. Slowly I began to notice I could smell and taste better. Plus the most dramatic change other than the emotional ones was when I noticed I was becoming colder faster. I found out the hard way women were not just making up being cold. 

Perhaps you noticed up to this point I had glossed over the extreme emotional differences I felt when the hormones began to kick in their effects. All of a sudden I could cry for the first time in my life. I didn't have to be the stoic male with no emotions. Even when those extremely close to me passed away. I learned also I could cry tears of joy as well as sadness. 

Recently I have experienced life's layers from a feminine viewpoint by going to a wedding (my own) and a very sad funeral. Of course, choosing the right outfit took me right back to my earliest days of wondering what a girls' life would be like. 

Sometimes I feel a portion of the resentment shown to the transgender or LGBTQ community comes from a portion of the population who are afraid of their own feelings about gender. Or, they are too lazy to try to understand the differences in human beings. Cis men choose not to try to understand cis women and vice versa. I found it interesting when I was going through my gender transition, women would come to me for advice about their spouse or boy friend. Perhaps the desire to learn from transgender women or men goes back to the ancient worlds when trans people were worshipped. Or, at the least not discriminated against. 

It all comes back to being able to lead the lives we need to survive as our authentic transgender selves. Layering your life can make the entire difficult journey worth it.