The Greatest Insult

 Perhaps the biggest Halloween insult any transgender person has to endure is the comment of great costume when you are simply out being yourself. In the middle of all of the glowing posts (including mine) of Halloweens' past, what if you found yourself in the middle of a transphobes world wanting to destroy your world for no apparent reason. I'm writing this post indirectly for one reason and directly for another.

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

First, the indirect reason. I have a transgender friend who on social media wrote on the torment of never having the freedom of being a cis woman able to exist in a world without transgender haters. The sad part is my friend who I met at the beginning of her journey from male to female, has blossomed into a very attractive woman. Her problem, similar to many of us, is we carry the effects of testosterone poisoning with us. No matter how much money you have, there is next to nothing you can do about your size. Even though I have managed to lose quite a bit of weight over the years of my transition, I am still big and have a thick torso. So I know completely where my friend is coming from. As far as dealing with unfeeling transphobes or people in general who open their mouths without thinking, I just try to stare them down and consider the ignorant source.

As a matter of fact, I had to deal with the very same situation yesterday at the funeral of a friend my wife Liz and I attended. About three quarters of the way through the service I noticed someone giggling behind us which I thought was incredibly wrong due to the circumstances all of the mourners were going through. Finally through the laughing I heard that's a man. Perhaps I was just hearing things but I assumed the comment was directed towards me. After the service I didn't have any other dealings with anyone I assumed to be the source of the problem, so we paid our respects and left. It was time to rest my sore back and watch The Ohio State Buckeyes play football. 

Plus, my days of partying are nearly over and I myself have never been to a venue on Halloween which didn't have a serious Halloween party in progress. So I didn't put myself in a position for any out of the way comments concerning my gender. Very early in the Halloween "costume" process (as well as life in general) I learned the comment about how I presented as a woman was I looked good in a dress, for a man. I always remember the heartbreak, to this day, of how much of life I had missed by not coming out earlier or even never ever having the chance to ever be a cis female. 

Finally I decided to do the best I could with what I had to work with. Surely, hormone replacement therapy helped quite a bit but on occasion I still wonder what it would have been like to grow up as a girl.

As far as the world goes, they can take their unfeeling insults and shove it.  

The Good, the Bad and...

 Actually is there is no ugly in regards to this post.

Last night we finally were able to venture out for my birthday dinner. We decided on a venue I have been wanting to visit for quite awhile now. Liz is a little more reticent to go to new places so I had to throw the birthday card (I won't say rump card) to get her to go. 

The Turf Club Cincinnati

Once we arrived, in our casual clothes and all, we felt right at home with a crowd basically dressed in jeans and sweatshirts. Plus, seeing as how the Turf Club (where we were) had a brief visit from the network halftime network football crew who was doing the Bengals game, quite a few of the patrons were showing off their best football attire. Even though I am still a huge fan, I have not been able to afford any of the current up to date "fashion" so I just went with a simple sweater, jeans and knee high boots. 

I will finish my plug for the venue by saying it has been visited by Guy of "Diners, Drive ins and Dives" Food Network fame and I had the same half pound burger which he did. Well, not the same one but made the same. 

A Turf Club Burger

Probably, most importantly, no one seemed to notice the tallish transgender woman in the crowded restaurant. It was the second time this week I experienced gender euphoria. The first was when I was instructed on which frames were for the women earlier this week when I went for my new glasses. This was after I spent too much time worrying about if the eye glass receptionist would have any gender related questions for me. 

Finally, today was my therapy day. It turned out nearly the entire session was dedicated to  revisiting all my old Veterans Administration mental health paperwork in the system. So, for the second time this month I was asked how I identified by the VA. Again I dutifully replied, I am a transgender lesbian and I answer to the she and hers pronouns. 

On the plus side I found I was going to receive a new I-pad to enable me to better be served virtually by the VA. Of course it can only be used for veterans related needs. 

Actually I fibbed earlier. Liz and I are attending a close friend's funeral who committed suicide. I have only been to one funeral since I gender transitioned, so I have picked out my best black outfit for such a sad event. That's the ugly of a terrific week.    

The Most Important Appointment

Today was my six month virtual visit with my endocrinologist. Quite possibly my most important appointment I have with all the various experts who attempt to keep me on the rails of life. Going a bit further, my endo prescribes and monitors my hormone replacement therapy medications. Without her support I would struggle to be outwardly the feminine person I am today.

Halloween Picture from
Columbus, Ohio Black Party
Courtesy Jessie Hart

HRT is always difficult to write about for several reasons. The first and main reason is that too many  having rogue unmonitored hormones can be extremely detrimental to your health. Estrogen can only take you so far in your outward feminine development before the tables turn. Which I have seen years ago in a couple transgender women at Trans Ohio meetings. Both of them were in ill health and blamed their problems on too much HRT.

On the other hand, under supervision, my years on hormone replacement therapy have for the most part produced magical results. I grew breasts, hair and hips while I went through the second major puberty in my life. But, it took me years to do it, often at minimal levels of added estradiol to my system. Most likely what aided in my progress was the fact I was older when I started around the age of sixty. So my natural testosterone levels were decreasing anyway. While I will always regret waiting so long to begin HRT, at least I could be confident I did the process the right way under medical supervision. To be sure, testosterone poisoning was something I still fight with but the memories of living in a toxic male world will always be with me too. 

Perhaps one of the biggest changes I didn't see coming were the internal ones which no one externally sees. I had heard the stories of emotional changes which occur with HRT but I can't say I was prepared for them when they came and became reality. Finally being able to unleash the emotions of my feminine inner soul was akin to lifting heavy weights from my shoulders. All of a sudden, for the first time in my life, I didn't have to be ashamed to cry. The whole experience was very enlightening. Once of the examples was when my body thermostat changed dramatically. Quickly I went from a person who was never cold to a person who always was. A shock when I found out all those years I thought women were faking it when they said they were cold. 

All of these reasons, plus several more I didn't mention all combine for me to consider my Endocrinologist appointment my most important visit. She checks all my extensive blood work to see if anything appears out of range, refills my Estradiol patches and Spiro and sends me on my way. With a promise to do it all again in six months. I take nothing for granted at my age and sadly am prepared to give it all up if my life depended on it. Which for many transgender women it does. After all gender is in your head. Not between your legs. 

I'm sure though by the time my time has run out, hormone replacement therapy will have done it's part to take years off my life. I will just have to decide if it was all worth it to enable me more completely to live an authentic life I  waited so long to live.