Party Time

 My Halloween posts this month will not be in chronological order. This evening happened while I was living with my wife in an apartment in the NYC metro area. In the early to mid 1980's. 

At the time I was managing a Wendy's near the Bronx and knew few people outside of my fellow managers and workers.  So when Halloween rolled around I thought I would be left out of a party again that year. Since in those days, Halloween was basically the only day of the year I could break out of my gender closet and explore the feminine world. As it turned out that year I was "rescued" by a fellow cis woman manager who took pity on me and invited me to a party she and her friends were going to at a nearby venue to her.

Needless to say I was excited and found out where I had to go to meet up with her and her friends. Then I had to stress out on what I would wear and what would my wife say. I knew for certain she would not approve of what I was planning to wear. In fact, she was so against my outfit she refused to even tag along. Leaving me on my own, which is normally not a good idea.

First of all I chose my outfit which attempted to be sexy as well as realistic. In other words, the same way many other cis women try to dress for Halloween. I chose a short mini dress, hose and heels along with my favorite wig for the evening. Since I couldn't sneak out without my wife seeing me, I had to put up with her disapproving stares and or glares. Once I left the apartment I was in heaven. I loved the feel of the cool autumn air on my freshly shaven legs and the sound of my heels as I walked down the sidewalk. Even still, the anxiety mounted as I followed my directions to where I was to meet the others going to the party. 

Once I made it and knocked on the door, I was amazed to find and pleasantly surprised to learn all the other people going were women. In addition they were all tall and beautiful and dressed like me. It was funny when I entered the room all conversation stopped as the other women looked me over. Only this time I was not met with the same disapproval I received from my wife. After brief introductions, we went out the door and made the short (thankfully) walk to the small tavern where the party was taking place. One memory I will never forget was when we all had to cross the street together and here I was holding my own with other women.  My heels didn't even bother me. It was as if I was walking on air. 

Once we arrived in the venue, the women scattered to meet other friends and I was left on my own to see what happened. Along the way, I managed to locate a vacant table until an older man came along and joined me. Of course I didn't know if he knew my true gender so I resisted any of his attempts to buy me a drink or more importantly dance with him. Before I knew it the evening was over and it was time to leave. 

What I didn't recognize until much later in life was the night was actually my first girls night out. I hadn't learned yet that so called girlfriends come in second place when it comes around being around men and essentially everyone is one their own.

Finally, amazingly to me, I received very little feedback at work concerning my so called "costume". Perhaps living in a more liberal world helped. One way or another it turned out to be an evening I will never forget. I wish I had pictures but I don't. This all happened way before the "selfie" days and cell phones.

Spilled Estrogen and Health Care

 It's time to go the vampires and have my blood labs checked. Since I actually go to two Veteran's Administration hospitals for care, it seems to always be confusing to new people I meet in the system. Add in the fact I am transgender and confusion often dominates the conversation. My latest example came yesterday when I was trying to set up having my blood checked at the nearest VA clinic to me rather than make the drive (one hour/one way) up to Dayton to get the work done. 

Initially I was having a difficult time getting the point across what I wanted. The nurse kept going back to my last results which I already knew. As she was going through the results she paused, and I knew what was coming. She said in a questioning voice what was this estradiol test for. Even though I felt it was really none of her business, I told her the truth. I was transgender. After all of this, I did get an appointment with my doctor to get the bloodwork done locally. The VA has an on-line site where the results are available for the veteran and their health care providers. My other providers finally learned they could access my records also which saved me a trip.

I am aware VA healthcare is not equal for all transgender veterans as is reflected in this archived post I wrote last year:

" Along the way here in Cyrsti's Condo, I enjoy reading other experiences from other transgender women who share a similar age to me. Five (at least) are transgender veterans and it seems I am learning of more trans vets daily. By reading their comments, what the typical person doesn't realize I think is the wide range of care you can receive in various Veterans Administration Hospitals. 

Photo by Ehimetalor Akhere Unuabonao
on Unsplash

Also, trans persons in my age range (65-70 plus) go through being an educational experiment. Meaning, we are educating our medical providers about the needs of transgender patients. As it has turned out, I have been on both sides of becoming a self care provider.  I do think over the years, more and more medical professionals are being educated to us. When I look back at my experiences mostly at the Dayton, Ohio VA center, they have many residents from nearby universities following around my regular doctors. I always take it as a good sign when a young college aged professional has the opportunity to see a transgender woman such as me be cared for. 

Unfortunately I know all haven't been able to  have the same beneficial experiences. I know I am mostly speaking to the choir here but imagine if you have to fight through personal and or  religious discrimination to even receive quality transgender care such as hormone replacement therapy. Which studies have proven to be mentally helpful to the mental health of so many gender dysphoric individuals. Alternatives such as Equitas Health are proving to be life saving medical providers for the LGBTQ community if you are lucky enough to live near one of their offices in the Midwestern United States.

Now, let's go back to another major service the VA provides for transgender veterans...mental health care. Again, from the comments I receive, the care a vet receives varies widely from VA center to center. As I have previously written my original therapist at the VA has been with me all the way and has been completely sympathetic and proactive to my needs. Of course HRT meds come to mind but there was so much more such as providing paperwork to help with name and gender changes within and out of the system. 

Plus, even though I had to educate my initial endocrinologists, my current "Endo" is also a wonderful provider who monitors and takes care of my needs. 

Through all of this, I hoped I would be the rule, not the exception. But from many of the comments I receive I am afraid I am not. it is too late to cry over spilled estrogen when you are 72. Sure, such as many of you I wish I had worked my way out of cross dressing and into a transgender life much earlier than I did. It seemed my gender crystal ball was a bit cloudy and the life I so meticulously built and protected as a man was too good to give up. 

I hope your journey across the gender frontier has brought you to where you want to be. No matter the years it took you to get there and the experiences you had with your health care."

Transgender Dreams

Dream Photo
Courtesy Jessie Hart

 
When I was much younger I used to look forward (then hate) the times I went to sleep and had vivid dreams of being a pretty girl .I awakened depressed when I learned it was just all just a dream. 

These days, curiously, my dreams have changed. Some times I am my feminine self and other times I revert back to my old male self. Neither one of which makes much of a difference to me when I wake up.

Maybe I should just call my dreams "gender fluid" using a more current term. Also maybe I am not being very realistic as far as my subconscious mind is concerned. After all I did live most of my life trying to survive in a male dominated world in a life I never wanted. Perhaps it will take time to establish a backlog of feminine or transgender existence to draw from when I dream. Usually I can experience both genders in one night. When I wake up, I just think Wow! How different was that. 

On rarer occasions, I seem to hit a middle road when I am back to wearing wigs and interacting more with cis women I didn't know. I even had a dream of the night I had to invade the women's room of one our favorite LGBTQ friendly bars we went to, Once I went in there were several evil looking women glaring at me. Once I finished with my business and washed my hands I needed to use the hand dryer. One of the women glared at me again and barely moved from in front of the dryer. Being the alpha bitch I was becoming, I simply reached around her and turned the dryer on and it really messed up her hair. I was amazed how the details of the experience came back to me in a dream.  

Perhaps, as the new life I have chosen to live continues to build experiences, it will be interesting to see if my dreams change more to a feminine side. Since my earlier life was more intense in many ways than my current one, I doubt if will happen. But it will be interesting to see if it does.