Transgender Dreams

Dream Photo
Courtesy Jessie Hart

 
When I was much younger I used to look forward (then hate) the times I went to sleep and had vivid dreams of being a pretty girl .I awakened depressed when I learned it was just all just a dream. 

These days, curiously, my dreams have changed. Some times I am my feminine self and other times I revert back to my old male self. Neither one of which makes much of a difference to me when I wake up.

Maybe I should just call my dreams "gender fluid" using a more current term. Also maybe I am not being very realistic as far as my subconscious mind is concerned. After all I did live most of my life trying to survive in a male dominated world in a life I never wanted. Perhaps it will take time to establish a backlog of feminine or transgender existence to draw from when I dream. Usually I can experience both genders in one night. When I wake up, I just think Wow! How different was that. 

On rarer occasions, I seem to hit a middle road when I am back to wearing wigs and interacting more with cis women I didn't know. I even had a dream of the night I had to invade the women's room of one our favorite LGBTQ friendly bars we went to, Once I went in there were several evil looking women glaring at me. Once I finished with my business and washed my hands I needed to use the hand dryer. One of the women glared at me again and barely moved from in front of the dryer. Being the alpha bitch I was becoming, I simply reached around her and turned the dryer on and it really messed up her hair. I was amazed how the details of the experience came back to me in a dream.  

Perhaps, as the new life I have chosen to live continues to build experiences, it will be interesting to see if my dreams change more to a feminine side. Since my earlier life was more intense in many ways than my current one, I doubt if will happen. But it will be interesting to see if it does.

Now What?

 

After writing my post yesterday trying to separate my Halloween experiences, I laid awake last night attempting to think of a follow up post. Naturally it was difficult to do. Then I started to think of one of the powerful responses I received to one of my "costumes". It happened during a party I went to with friends when a couple of the wives cornered me and said something to the affect if I ever decided to go that way (and be a woman) I wouldn't have to worry about how I looked. I was immediately at a loss for words and finally came up with "A lot of good it does me." At that point in time during my life, I saw very little hope I could ever live a life in a feminine existence. I don't remember for sure but all of this may have happened before the transgender term was ever used. 

So here I was feeling strangely vulnerable in my long hair, mini dress and heels wondering now what. Looking back it was the beginning of understanding I couldn't continue to cross dress as a woman and continue to reap the benefits of white male privilege. How times have changed. Today we seem to have so more how gender works and the attached benefits or restrictions each gender seemingly has to experience. 

Yesterday I was watching a talk show on television which featured a beautiful transgender woman and her supporting fiancé. Sadly even though she had it all in the looks and voice departments, she said she still wanted facial femininization surgery because she couldn't feel at ease with herself.  She still saw the same old male face. Even though she benefitted from an early start on her transition and had an understanding family, which I didn't, I could still feel for her situation. In many ways she was still searching for her own now what. 

Unfortunately, as I approach my seventy third birthday, my now what turn to much more overall negative thoughts. Such as what is going to happen if I live into my later eighties and face the same fate as my father who passed away from dementia. Plus what is going to become of all the dire warnings about Social Security which is nearly my only source of income. And last but not least, what will happen if I have to go into an assisted living facility With all these negatives swirling around, often it is difficult to maintain positive thoughts and try to live my life to the fullest while I can.

As I have aged, I have tried harder to mold myself into a positive way of life. Along with it I try to look back at all of my now what's to see if I can still learn from what I messed up. Even still I will miss some of the early excitement I felt when I went to several Halloween parties, I still have to remember the aftermath when I was haunted by the memories and became  terrible to live with.

In the spirit of Halloween, I guess I can say, my now what's were haunting me. I so badly wanted to let my transgender woman out of the closet  I was miserable and mean to those around me. Naturally it took me years to get over the process. Once I did, my now what became clearer and life became easier.

It's October

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

October has arrived and it is time to celebrate my former favorite holiday Halloween. During the month, as promised (or threatened) I will spotlight several special evenings I spent on Halloween exploring if my feminine self could actually have a life in the public's eye.

Before I start the experiences, it is important to note several key feelings or happenings. As it turned out the yearly experiences started to vary with the number of times I tried getting out of my gender closet.

An example comes from my first big Halloween adventure, a party when I was in the Army in Germany. As the evening approached the mixture of trepidation along with elation was almost too much to bear. The closer Halloween got, it seemed it was difficult to keep my mind on anything else. 

The problem I had with Halloween was it only came once a year and I would have to wait another whole year to break out of my closet. The pressure affected how much fun I could have.  As I began to have more and more Halloweens under my panty hose, I began to be able to separate which party might be more fun and for what reason. Another example came the night I dressed very glitzy for a bunch of friends and ended up feeling very shunned by my male friends all night long. It turned out the whole process would be a look in how my future would turn out once I began to transition into a full time transgender woman.

It turned out, my favorite Halloween adventures occurred around and with people I didn't know. Probably because I went into the evening with radically different objectives. When I was with friends, primarily I was just fishing for compliments about how good I looked. When I was with strangers, it gave me a chance to see if I could truly present as a woman in public. Once I learned the lesson, I radically changed the way I chose what I was going to wear. I toned down the glitz and tried to turn up the reality and be mistaken for a cis woman, nicely dressed.

There were in between parties I became caught up in which I will explain along the way. One of which when I just happened to glitz my costume up and became part of group of tall women doing the same thing.

Of course October means so much more this year other than Halloween. I have my 73rd birthday coming up soon as well as my wedding, so there is plenty to look forward to. Regardless, even though I don't do any Halloween patties anymore, the holiday will always be special to me as the one day a year I could try life out of my gender closet.