Between the Transgender Rock and the Hard Place

 

Photo by Leio McLaren on Unsplash

Sadly, many of us in the transgender community have experienced losing a spouse as we continue our journeys towards living as our authentic selves. 

Equally as sad is the fact for many the trip turns out to be a selfish and solitary experience. In addition, our spouses all too often have front row seats as we slowly slip away. First there are the clothes and the makeup, then comes the occasional trips to test the public's eye and those turn out to be the simplest part. 

In my case I have written often how my second wife (deceased) accepted me being a cross dresser but rejected any ideas of me transitioning into a transgender woman. It led me to sneak out behind her back as much as possible and into huge fights when she caught me. All of the hostility led her once telling me to be man enough to be a woman. 

She unfortunately was gone before I transitioned and I will be forever interested in what she would have thought about the new person I became. I loved her very much and held on to the bitter end. Looking back, had she lived I am sure we could not have survived as a couple. The draw to live a feminine life was just too strong and felt all too natural. I can't imagine her accepting me changing my name for example. 

Having said all of that, I have several transgender women friends who have managed to hold together a marriage through a transition. Slowly and often begrudgingly spouses have decided to stay with their trans mates for any number of reasons, including children. Another subject totally. Some kids just seem to accpet more than others. 

I can't imagine if my spouse decided to transition to being a trans man. Of course I am biased and think there would be no problems but deep down I'm not so sure. Even though on occasion Liz is more masculine than I ever was even when I was trying to hide any toxic masculinity I ever had. 

The whole process certainly puts us all between the rock and the hard place when it comes to our gender transitions. Deep down we know it's something we have to do regardless of the number of years we have put into a marriage. I was at twenty five years and counting when my spouse passed away. We faced problems in the relationship when I was the girly girl of both of us. So much so, she asked me to help with her makeup on special occasions. 

The whole process for me was similar to a slippery slope. The more I did as a novice transgender woman, the more I wanted to do. As I was finally syncing up my feminine soul with my exterior and exploring the world, the better I felt...for awhile until the pressure to explore again began to build on me. It was then I began to feel I was between the rock and the hard place. Having someone who love but not as my authentic self. 

The whole process eventually led me to a suicide attempt. The rock and the hard place was a brutal place to be. As I looked over my gender cliff, I didn't know where I would land and how soft the landing would be. New friends made it all a success. 

  

The Weekend

Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

 It's Saturday which means college football and tomorrow is pro football day. Sandwiched in between is the paranoia I feel about going to a long put off eye appointment Monday afternoon. It's been since 2016 since I have had an eye check up so I am primarily worried about having the beginning stages of cataracts at my age.  I guess I will find out soon enough.

Also my paranoid noggin is suggesting to me I will have some sort of a hassle of getting my female glasses, not male. I didn't have any problems before so I shouldn't  have any problems. As you can probably tell, I am good  at making my own problems up. 

The last two days of the week I virtually visited my two therapists. Both went predictably smooth. I have seen both for years and they know me well. Out of the two, my actual therapist tries to find things I should do and pressure me to do them. None of which have anything to do with me being transgender. The latest example is my CPAP machine. For those of you who don't know, a CPAP machine helps you to have a better nights sleep by basically adjusting your air pressure. By wearing a decidedly unsexy mask. I received one years ago from the Veterans Administration and found out several months ago mine was on a recall list to be replaced by the company. I sent in a replacement request in February and haven't heard anything back yet. However the company said at the time it could take a year to replace. 

So much for the boring things, the wedding still beckons and of course I still haven't figured out exactly what I am going to wear. I have a whole month to decide so why hurry, right? Plus I am not a fan of fancy wedding gowns so the extra expense is out. None of my previous wives (2) bought fancy gowns and did just fine, so I should also. It is nothing to me. Out of all my dreams as a young feminine wannabe, being a bride wasn't one I admired and wanted to do. 

Another major decision I want to make before the October 16th wedding is if I am going to have my long hair trimmed. Liz has volunteered to do it. No pressure! 

Other than that, my my home state of Ohio (typically) is trying to pass a measure to force the state school board to discriminate against LGBTQ students in the state. The local television station here in Cincinnati ran an interview with the legislator pushing the bill. Typically he looked as if he was in the closet of his own but was masking it all with religion. Tragically for transgender youth in the state, it will probably pass. Groups such as Trans Ohio are organizing a protest but sadly we live too far away to attend.     

    

Halloween?

Even though October is still a couple weeks away and the weather is shifting back to summer like conditions, thoughts turn to Halloween. Naturally, my favorite holiday. 

Halloween Witches 
Ball 

Halloween means so much to me because it allowed me to experiment living as my authentic self in a semi feminine world. I say "semi" because I was normally around people I knew when I dressed up in my so called "costume" so even though I craved compliments, I still had to act as if they meant nothing to me. Perhaps the best compliment I ever received was when a couple of cis women friends said something like if I would ever want to go that direction as a woman I wouldn't have any problems. Little did they know how prophetic it was to say that but on the other hand, problems would be many as a life in transition  went by. 

Halloween became so important to me I normally couldn't think of much else as early as a month before the actual party date. Many times I would stress on my outfit. Part of me wanted to be as sexy as I could be. On the other hand, I wished I could present well enough as a woman to be mistaken as the person (female) who didn't wear a costume. 

Another major problem I had was the industry I worked in. I worked in high volume restaurants as a manager The jobs precluded me from dressing up because of mainly safety issues at work. Plus normally I worked most weekend evenings when all the best Halloween parties took place. As the years went by, I finally was promoted up the line enough I could set my own schedule and make certain I had the proper nights off to attempt a Halloween party. I say attempt because my second wife kept a tight reign on any Halloween escapades I may try.

Since I only had such a small window to try to live my dream of being feminine and even perhaps discover if I could ever live full time as a transgender woman.

Over the next month I am going to feature several Halloween posts which hopefully will describe the path I took. All the way to attempting to set up my own Halloween party in June. Which backfired when only I showed up in costume as a trashy woman.

In the meantime, on occasion I am sad my favorite holiday has been reduced to looking for other men dressed as women. Times change.