A Vacuum?

 

Photo by Lukas ter Poorten on Unsplash

Nothing happens in a vacuum. No matter how hard you try, there are always outside influences which effect the outcome of what we want to happen. 

This is especially true for transgender women and trans men. During our gender transitions we rely on others on occasion to show us the way. Recently, I have mentioned cis women such as Liz, Kim, my daughter and Min who provided guidance or even a shove to get me moving in the right direction. Liz in particular told me she didn't see any male in me at all, my daughter took me to her hair salon and Kim took me to a professional football game. All were totally instrumental in me becoming a full time out transgender woman.

Ironically, early in my transition I didn't believe in needing a cis woman to assist in furthering my own gender trip across the frontier. I went back to my much anticipated visit with my fiancé when she would completely dress me head to toe as a woman. Even though it was a thrilling day, deep down I wasn't impressed that much with the results. As far as the makeup went, by that time I had plenty of time to practice on my own over the years. Her improvement just wasn't that noticeable. As far as the clothes went, I picked out the outfit myself. I should have known she wouldn't do that good because she is the one who wanted me to say I was gay to dodge the draft. When I wouldn't she dumped me which turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me in my life. Nothing happens in a vacuum for sure.

Vacuums however are funny creatures. Without the women I mentioned above, there would have been no way I would have developed the confidence to go public and learn how to communicate with other women. I consider communication the most important hurdle I had to cross when I MtF gender transitioned. I say that because appearance wise I had reached a point where I didn't have much of a problem with the public but building a new life as my feminine self was something totally different. I needed to build a new person from the ground up plus I was in a vacuum on how to do it. 

Slowly but surely and again with the help of friends, I managed to find a place in the girls sandbox and after a few mishaps, survive. I made the mistake of trusting smiling faces who were holding knives behind their backs. I think when I surrounded myself with cis women friends, negative people couldn't get to me. Expanding on the vacuum theme a bit, essentially I expanded my vacuum to survive and thrive as a new person.  

I may be age biased but I believe older transgender women have a more difficult time coming out of their vacuums. Many lose family and friends and find it difficult to restart their lives. Many are content to let their lives play out as I was until Liz came along and changed everything. She found me in an on line dating group. Proving once again how wrong a vacuum can be.

Before a Girls Night Out

 

Min on right during Halloween party

As I reread yesterdays' post about my daughter's birthday, I remembered one person who helped me on my journey as a novice transgender woman so much who I rarely if ever mention. 

Her name is "Min" and she accepted me from the beginning as a friend. In fact, she used to invite me over to her house for coffee once a week if I could make it. 

She included me so completely that there was a group of approximately five other woman (including Liz) I became close with.

One of the events we went to was a small Halloween party in suburban Cincinnati which I still have a picture of. As you can see, I brought out the big hair for the evening. One of the rare chances I had to wear it.

It was quite the experience. Not from a Halloween party so much as other happenings. By this time I was an experienced "pro" at Halloween so I was just trying to present as a cis woman dressed for success. I know you would be thinking business chic if I wanted success, I would have to try to out sparkle a couple other women in the group. I have another picture to share of me and another woman who went who is nearly my size I will share before Halloween.

Perhaps the special moment of kindness Min shared with me occurred when I had to go to the ladies room. The venue where the party was being held wasn't the most upscale one in the world so I was afraid of going by myself. Plus I was still fairly new at being out of my gender closet at the time. My solution was to gather my courage and ask Min to go with me. Thankfully without saying a word she helped me find the correct bathroom and helped me . After all that beer, I was desperate!

Min was also instrumental in many other occasions when I was included for the first time in my life in the company of women only. The whole process meant so much to me and aided my progress as a transgender woman. More on that later.  

Girl's Night Out

My daughter on the right with Liz and I

It's my daughter's birthday today and I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment to say "Happy Birthday" and look back. 

Before I came out as transgender to her, I had hoped she was raised right and would have no problem accepting her new "parent." 

I was correct in all my assumptions and I "passed" my first test on coming out to the family and the public. 

Once she found out, she proceeded to help me out of my male self and make it into the world as a novice transgender woman. 

One of the ventures she quickly planned for me was a trip with her and approximately six other of her woman friends to a local huge drag show. The Rubi Girls in Dayton, Ohio over the years is a drag troupe which has raised over a million dollars for various LGBTQ causes. They put on a tremendous show. But, I had to get there first. Before hand, my daughter warned me about a couple of the others going who may not be so approving of me. So I pretty much tried to stay low key and blend in. 

For the most part I think I managed to hide my fears and only speak when spoken to. It was quite the experience. The show was entertaining and fun. Too this day, I don't know if my daughter received any negative feedback for my presence. Some day I will have to ask her, if she still remembers. 

Another day out with my daughter which I have mentioned many times was the occasion when she took me to my first visit to a woman's upscale hair salon. My hair was rapidly growing and I guess she thought it needed personal professional attention. The first first turned out to be one of those terrifying yet exciting times of my life. As it turned out my stylist was clear in the back of the room so I had to walk past a seemingly endless row of women in various stages of hair repair. Even though I was so scared, I wondered how I had went this long in my life without experiencing such an estrogen dominate experience, I couldn't wait to do it again which I did until the finances got the best of me and I moved away. 

As you can tell, my daughter did buy in one hundred per cent to me living as my authentic self plus she helped to insure I was accepted by her in laws also as well as her three kids. She means the world to me and laid the groundwork for many other "girls nights out" to come. I learned a lot.