Re Boot

Photo from Eric Mcclean on Unsplash

Ironically, our entire internet went down when I was writing this post! I guess it fits it in many ways.

Transgender women and trans men are very used to the concept of rebooting their lives. It's just another reason I find it so humorous when someone says we had a choice when setting out to live as our authentic selves. Of course along the way, our lives our stopped (often destroyed) and then rebuilt. 

I'm assuming you all have had access to a computer at some point in time or you wouldn't be reading this and would know how sometimes infuriating ill timed reboots are when you are trying to work. In fact, Liz is fairly sure her IT department has it in for her and will schedule reboots at the worst time. Being retired I am lucky and the reboots I have to go through I know are the necessary evils of life. 

It is sad and sometimes even tragic when we have to choose our paths and have to uproot jobs, friends and family to re-boot and survive. Take my brother for example, I often wonder how he is doing but can't find out since we have separated due to me transitioning from male to female. Plus, during my transition I didn't have many friends to tell since they had all passed away, including a spouse who had always told me she would accept me as a cross dresser but would draw the line and reject any idea of me being transgender. I was also near retirement age so I didn't have to worry about a job. So compared to many others perhaps I had it easier. I hesitate to say any of us have it easy on our gender journeys. 

Similar to having to wait for my internet to return and wonder how I lived with out it, I had to wait to gradually transition. A process I called transitioning within a transition. I had to reboot yet again when I made the conscious choice to begin hormone replacement therapy and move from cross dresser to transgender. I saw the difference in going from wanting to appear as a woman to coming as close as I could to aligning my feminine soul with my exterior body. Once I completed this reboot, seemingly, magically my life came together and I had the opportunity to live full time as a transgender woman.

Even going full time had it's challenges. It is one thing to dress to the nines for the occasional special event as I was doing and another to wake up every morning without any male clothing and figuring out what I was going to wear. Very quickly I went casual on days I knew I was only going to see Liz. Plus casual became the way to go when the pandemic hit. Jeans, tennis shoes and casual tops became the way to go. The only times I was getting out was normally when we went to the grocery store. No problems in going there casual either. No other women were dressed up. 

Looking into the future, I see several future reboots in my future. Getting married in October will be one of course. Looking farther I see my paranoiac possible future in a nursing home or other assisted living. By now I have been through so many reboots they almost seem normal.

  

 

Lets Get Comfortable?

 

Photo credit Jessie Hart

Yesterday was mammogram day. The price I pay for being on hormone replacement therapy. The actual treatment is very minimally painful. Getting there was the problem. I don't walk long distances well and had to park quite away from the hospital where my appointment was scheduled. Since I had been there before I knew exactly what to expect and knew there was a big ledge I could sit down on and rest before I actually went into the hospital to register. Once I made it there I figured I had it made. 

Registration was a little more complex than I bargained for as the hospital had to figure out how my Veterans Administration coverage worked into my procedure. Once that was figured out it was clear sailing to the location of the actual mammogram.

If you have never been, they ask you to strip to the waist and give you one of those stylish hospital gowns to put on. Open in front of course. From there they take you to the room where the big mammogram machine is located. I always find it humorous they are in such a hurry. Once I got undressed I was hurried  into a hallway which luckily was deserted. 

The procedure itself as I wrote is basically just a pinching of the breasts so somehow they can get a good X-ray. The unpleasantness to me came when I had to stand that long and contort my body to get a good "picture" Finally two nurses had to come in and assist in the procedure. To add insult to injury, I had to totally take off my hospital gown. Naturally I was more embarrassed than anyone else because I am sure they had seen it all before. 

Finally the procedure was over. They had gotten two X-rays on each breast and I was set free to put my clothes back on and leave. This was actually was my fifth mammogram, so I know what to expect. I am directed to have one every year because my maternal grandmother passed away from breast cancer way back in the 1950's. So I am always extremely concerned about the results of the mammogram tests. 

So far, I haven't yet received any news about the latest tests. As directed I do self examinations and have felt no lumps so I hope everything is all right. 

Now my week continues tomorrow with my latest virtual appointment with my therapist. Among other things I can explain how stressful a week it has been since also, my credit card was hacked and blocked before any significant damage was done. I had to go to my bank branch yesterday to get it settled and had to sit through a sales pitch for another credit card which I was ultimately turned down for because of my credit. Which I knew was going to happen since I am on Social Security and don't make much money. 

On the positive side, I needed the extra exercise and feel much better today because of it. I even went out early this morning to the huge grocery store we have nearby and found a few necessities we needed for the refrigerator. Plus, the rumor has it I stopped at Connie's favorite coffee chain for a couple of nitro/coffees for Liz and I.   It felt good to do it!     

An Inverted 71

Photo Courtesy Connie Malone

Connie recently wrote in and commented on my post "Comfortable in your Own Skin. As always she put her own unique twist to the post and I thought I would share it with all of you:

"  My big regret is that, by the time I found myself to be comfortable in my own gender skin, the skin had already begun to wrinkle and sag. 😒

I think that quite a few trans women go through a period of time dressing in a way that may be appealing to their own masculine desires of the kind of woman they think they want. I know that this idea borders on the myth of autogynephilia, but I still believe it to be true. I know that I made that mistake for a while, however, I never let it out of the closet.

Even when I was a teenager (pre-teen, really), I just wanted to be a woman. As difficult as it may be for a girl to make that transition, it eventually dawned on me that transitioning from a pubescent boy to a woman was most likely impossible (especially back in the 60's). That's why I went into a deep suppression of my feminine self just before I turned 17. That lasted for another 17 years of my life, only to find myself spending another 17 years practicing my femininity through frequent closeted cross dressing. I didn't really need the practice, though, as I pretty much picked up right where I had left off.

Now that I'm 71 (an inverted 17?), I may have wrinkles in my skin, but I've pretty much ironed out the wrinkles of transition." 

Thank you for the informative post, As many of you know, I am nearly the same age as Connie (72) and shared the same trials and tribulations  of growing up as a teenager in the pre internet "dark ages". Then going through what only could be described as nearly a half century of cross dressing before I finally felt secure enough to fully come out of my closet. Looking back, telling myself I was transgender was much more difficult than telling anyone else. It was easier to just put those non supporters in my rear view mirror than it was to do it to myself, mainly because I had been pushing my authentic feminine self into the background for all of those years. It was so enlightening when I finally discovered I had not been cross dressing all those years as a woman when in reality I had been cross dressing as a man.

For another month or so, if I invert my age, I would be a spry 27. I shouldn't say it but I am...If I only knew then what I know now.