Always on Stage

 

Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart

This morning I had the radical idea I would go out to the curb and bring in the two large trash cans we have. Of course I didn't put much effort into the process. Didn't shave and wore no makeup. Who would I see of importance anyhow? I knew from experience the two neighbors I do know I almost never see them at the time I was out anyhow. As luck would have it, this morning the neighborhood was positively completely packed with strangers walking their dogs, just walking or heading to the school bus stop on the corner, Without any fanfare I timed my trip to the curb and brought the two cans back up to the house. 

As I came back into the house I wondered why it is I feel as if I am always on stage when I am out doing even menial tasks that very few cis women would give a second thought to. Unless they were on their way to work, I see very few neighborhood women bringing in their trash cans in heels and hose. In fact, I can;t tell you the last time I have seen a ultra well dressed woman in this neighborhood at all. Perhaps the closest comes to me when I do my version of dressing up to go ot with Liz to dinner. 

I suppose the whole "on a stage" aspect of life extends to all women if they like it or not and especially transgender women. We are under increased pressure to appear feminine while at the same time blend in with the other women around us. Plus as we begin our gender journeys, we are playing catch up to the cis women who had the benefit of mother and peer input on necessary items such as clothing and makeup. 

Many of us also who didn't have the benefit of an easier gender transition due to feminine looks. We had to suffer (or are suffering) from the ravages of testosterone poisoning. It made or makes for too many stares or even rude comments from uncaring, nosey civilians It's no wonder we transgender folks are always looking over our shoulders. 

Then there is the other side. My deceased wife used to tell me it was not all about me when the tables were turned and I thought I was being unfairly singled out as a novice transgender woman. Often she (my wife) would go on to call me the "Pretty, pretty princess" when it all happened and said all the uproar may have not had anything thing to do with me at all. My feminine ego which was still deeply intertwined with my male ego made the whole process so confusing. 

It became ingrained it was all about me. Until I could free my strong inner feminine self, it turned out I had to be selfish to do it. Once I was able to discover who my authentic self really was, then I could set out to love others. Suddenly my selfish side was gone and I could see the world in it's truer form...good or bad, 

Regardless, as an full time transgender woman, I am certainly not the "Pretty, pretty Princess" anymore following my decidedly unfeminine trips to male dominated areas such as junk yards. As with any woman, part of our existence in being on stage. One way or another. 

Confidence?

Photo by syndey rae on Unslash

Often I have written about the power of confidence in the lives of transgender women and transgender  men. Without the confidence to pull it off, the nicest, fanciest dress in the world couldn't be worn. Sadly, confidence is similar to seeking a new job. First the employer tells you that you need more experience  then you can't get the experience  if no one gives you the chance. 

Novice transgender people face the same struggle. We need the confidence to pursue our new lives in our authentic genders but finding it can be so fragile, One day you are making it in the world and the next we are back in our closets crying in failure. It is very difficult to say the least. As time goes on, we have so many questions to figure out. Examples would be how far do we want to go in how we are presenting to the public. Will we be trying a business professional look or something much more casual. Are we more gender fluid than transgender and what about that pesky subject of sexuality. When all is said and done will you stay with the gender you always thought you preferred or will you begin to find the opposite binary more attractive. 

Better yet, what does any of this have to do with building confidence. Quite a bit, it turns out. No matter how you slice it, every little bit you accomplish adds to your well being as your authentic self. All of a sudden, life becomes easier. When you are able to own who you are, you automatically look better in that  fancy dress you bought along with new jewelry and even a new matching purse. It all looks great and so do you.

Keep in mind though, no matter how much confidence you have build up, there is always the chance a stray civilian will come along and "clock" you. Meaning somehow, someway the person has punctured your gender persona and ruined your day. Don't worry, they will go on their nosey ways soon enough and leave you alone. 

Another important thought to remember is we all as human beings have an unconscious aura we project to others. When I am in new or challenging situations, I try to specifically project female to the people I am interacting with. I try to take every idea I can to present authentically as my authentic gender. Believe me when I say I have had my confidence shattered too many times not to. 

My only advice is always be positive and expect the best and not try to put yourself in the worst possible situations. Perhaps you have seen the commercial on television from  one of the well known bourbon liquor distillers which says where ever their bourbon is served, you are welcome also, Now, we all know how many red neck bars we transgender folk would not be welcomed in. The moral to the story is do not go overboard where you try to go. Take it easy and gain your confidence in mellower venues. 

Remember diamonds are not a girls best friend, confidence is.     

Comfortable in your Own Skin

As transgender women and trans men transition into our authentic selves often we take longer to feel comfortable in our own skins. As with many others, it took me  many years to catch up and feel much better on the direction life was taking me. 

The first thing I had to do was to grow up and out of my teenaged girl years which of course weren't happening until I was in my thirties. I have documented many times how I went through a period of dressing more trashy than classy as I was trying to validate myself as a woman. Another way of saying I was desperate to feel comfortable in my own skin but was failing completely. Fortunately even I got it through my thick noggin what I was doing wrong. By this time I was learning to dress to blend and interact with other women. 

As I did, I began to seriously realize I could be successful in my new gender skin. Every now and then I am asked how I made it to this point. My answer was and is two fold. The first answer is to practice, practice and more practice. My second advice is don't become discouraged no matter how tough life becomes. Specifically when it comes time to attempt a few or all of the same things cis-women have to do to better their appearance. Examples include working to lose weight and taking better care of your skin. Remember, women, similar to Rome, weren't built overnight. If you are having problems with your makeup, don't hesitate to hitch up your big girl panties and go to a makeup store for help or keep practicing until you become better. 

At times you may feel the road you are on may never end. After all, women lead such layered and complex lives and once you escape your gender closet and see the light of day, it's natural to be terrified to the point of wondering if you will ever be able to live the life you dreamed of forever. Plus you never know how your future life may change and allow you  to better live as a transgender woman. It happened with me. I went from a bearded two hundred seventy pound life long cross dresser in a little over a six month period to a full time transgender woman. When my wife passed away totally unexpectedly. Although I don't  recommend what happened to me, the fact still remains it could happen.

Being comfortable in your own gender skin is a lot of work but completely worth it in the long or even short term. Much of the process involves having the confidence to do something about it, which we will discuss in an upcoming post.