Toxic Masculinity and the Trans Girl

Over the years when I was trying my best to exist in an ultra masculine world, I encountered too many men who would have been described as being toxic masculine. In essence they were the ones who tended to dismiss women as basically only emotional people who were only good for sex and/or having kids. 

I can truthfully say I wasn't an active part of their mentality but on the other hand was ashamed when I went along with their childish actions. I had two excuses. The first was in the business I was in I had to manage to the best of my ability a group of macho redneck cooks in a kitchen. I had to appear tough. The second was on the other hand I had to manage a group of mainly female servers, hostesses and bar tenders. Even then I was studying women intensely to learn how they really maintained in society so in many ways it was a labor of love. I learned my guys in the kitchen worked better when I could manage them as a team and the women worked better when I understood they were going to form their cliques anyhow, so adapt to them and hope for the best.

Further more I had to watch for frontal confrontations from the men and passive attacks from the women. Lessons which would serve me well later as I transitioned genders.  

Lessons I wish I had paid attention to didn't take long to happen. One night very early in my transition I found myself with a group of men discussing a topic I considered myself to be well versed in. Very early they shut me totally out as if I was never there at all. I thought it was one of my first opportunities to learn first hand what my life was going to be like as a transgender woman. I was right and on the other hand, my lessons learned from my work world worked well too. 

I also learned quickly the amount of  non verbal communication women use. It is no wonder most men say they can't understand women when they can't pick up non verbal cues. 

Photo by Icons8 Team on Unsplash

Ironically I had to change my stereotype of what a toxic man even looked like. When I began to explore the world, I attempted to stay clear of any man who looked like the macho type. not unlike my former self. It got so bad I couldn't even try to buy tickets for a sports event from a street "scalper" because they thought I was a cop. Slowly but surely I learned many of the "macho" men didn't seem to care much about me at all and weren't going to verbally attack me. My theory was they were more secure in their sexuality than the normal man. 

Of course recent political activities have made it possible for toxic masculinity to come out of the shadows and even thrive in some areas. Unfortunately the trans community, women and men, has been potentially the hardest hit. The attacks aren't just coming from cis men, they are coming from cis women as well.    

The future is not a given for anybody. Especially not the trans girl.  As always we are going to have to be better and fight for what we have. 

Finding Safe Ground

 This actually is an extension to the post I recently wrote on being grounded as a transgender person. Before I write more I have a very relevant comment to add from TransGen through the "Medium" writing platform:

"I applaud your perspective. It’s intensely difficult to remain grounded as a transgender woman. There is so much noise all around saying there’s something wrong with us. Whether it’s an overt message on the news or from a hater, or it’s the subtle rejection of not being included in family gatherings or other group events. A look at a party or an oblique comment. We have to find that grounding voice that says, ´I’m okay as I am.’ I ponder that strength often. Especially during holidays, when once again I find myself excluded by my biological family. I dig deep over and over finding that ground and reaffirming that they simply don’t understand. Only those of us who have traveled this path of being the ‘other’ really know what it requires to remain grounded."

Thanks for the comment! Thinking back as I normally do about a post, I should have added a paragraph or so about finding safe ground as you transition. Looking back at my gender journey I can see many instances of when I reached safe ground. 

Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart

Many are very predictable but others not so much. Very early as I began my explorations into feminine clothing, I definitely was not on safe ground. Why? Because I always was worried I would be discovered. It wasn't until decades later when I could get to a point of doing away with any "impostor" syndrome I was suffering and begin to enjoy living as my authentic self. In fact, I don't think it was until after I learned more on how to dress and communicate as my feminine self did I find my way to safe ground. 

I guess too, I could equate the whole process to drowning. It seemed all the times I was struggling to learn and exist as a transgender woman would never happen, until all of a sudden a gender lifeline would come along and I felt natural. Plus more importantly my inner woman was screaming at me not to stop trying. 

She was right. Thanks to several very close friends I was able to find safe gender ground. In short I rooted myself in the safe ground I found away from all the loud gay venues I was going to and discover my true self in other lesbian or even straight bars. It felt so good to know I didn't have to give up everything I enjoyed, like sports, to transition. 

Photo by Ása Steinarsdóttir on Unsplash

These days my safe ground still shakes on occasion. Perhaps it is because gender to me has always presented itself as such a volcano. No matter how hard I try the past on occasion still comes back to haunt me. 

Perhaps it always will. After all it's been one hell of a climb and I am really afraid of heights. 

Grounded

 Perhaps if you are similar to me you also have to "ground" your transgender feelings. 

Liz (left) and I during a night out.

Over the years it mainly meant I had to uncover my "collection" of feminine clothing and makeup then find the nearest mirror to examine my handiwork. The problem quickly became when I started to explore the world as my feminine self, I encountered many people who didn't share the mirror's idea of how I looked. It was after these occasions of being rejected I had to go back to the drawing board and attempt to ground myself again. 

As I progressed down my transgender journey, becoming grounded became more intricate. For example, when I advanced to the point of properly presenting myself as a feminine person, the time came to form a whole new personage. All too quickly it seemed people wanted to actually talk to me. Staying grounded while I learned to communicate as a woman was difficult. Especially when I began to understand the nuances of communication between the genders. After a day, or even part of a day, it was exceedingly difficult to adjust my grounding back to my non authentic male self. The stress of attempting to exist part time in both of the binary genders was intense and one I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. 

All of the stress finally led me to another suicide attempt and I decided to take the path which was more natural to me and attempt to live fulltime as a transgender woman. Once I achieved my goal, unfortunately the stress of being grounded as my authentic self didn't cease. Even though I felt I might have it better than the average transgender woman I encountered in support groups, I still had my moments of not feeling grounded. Perhaps it is because I still took all of a half a century to fully transition. Perhaps it has just taken me a bit longer than I wished to lose all the figments of who I was,

Now I am fairly sedentary and still don't get out much even after Covid. During the time I have learned to finally accept myself for who I am. I am no longer fighting to be a false male self . Even still, when we can, I cherish the times Liz and I can go out to eat. It's a time I can reestablish my feminine self and get grounded again as my true authentic self.

Hopefully your path has been easier than mine and you have discovered and live as you please.