Why?

 Why I write I thought may deserve a post or at least a bit of attention.

I have been focused on writing a blog now for approximately ten years following being urged on from my

From my Early Blogging Years

friend Connie Malone, who I share posts with fairly regularity. At the time we were sharing experiences in our worlds which ironically were very close to mine. 

From there on, the whole challenge of writing a blog was having the time to do it and deciding how much I would post to it. Little did I know what I was getting into! Fortunately I am retired and the time to write was not and is not too big of a deal. I was also lucky that when I was in school, I had lessons in writing pounded into my thick noggin. Hopefully it all shows in my writing and allows the long deceased Mrs. Wright happy. She was my teacher in middle school.

Sometimes I think being a writer means you are some sort of a narcissist. After all, who really cares what you think. Especially when you deal with other transgender women or men. In my case, I initially started to write because I hoped my experiences could help others. Sadly, one of the many common issues we face as trans people is how we have to grow into our authentic selves which is often a painful journey. During my journey I have been able to grow my life into my authentic self and live long enough to write about it. 

One of the daily drawbacks of non fiction daily blogging is attempting to find topics to write about. For example have you seen the wonderful in-depth documentary on LGBTQ Pride on the National Geographic Channel? If you haven't and can stream it somehow, it would be worth your time to watch it. 

Now to the best part of writing a blog. The feedback I receive has normally always been positive except the well worn comment "Just another old guy on Hormones." Other than that, I really enjoy all your comments. They all make the days of working my way through massive writers block worthwhile. 

It's also interesting when I go back and read all the earliest posts, they seem to be mainly focused on how I looked and was received in relation to today when I am more focused on the moment. Which probably shows how I have grown in all the years now I have been able to live as my authentic self as a transgender woman.

Finally, thanks to all of you who follow, subscribe to or respond to my posts. You make the entire process so worth it.

     

Gender versus Sexuality

My post yesterday barely touched on the idea of changing your sexuality when you change your gender.

My own over simplification of the process is sex comes from between the legs and gender comes from between the ears. Of course your idea maybe different.  Mine comes from the experiences I went through. In other words, once I went through the process of joining the world as a new transgender woman, all of a sudden I had to figure out what I was going to do about my sexuality. Was I going to attempt to continue to try to date women or try the brave new world of dating men. 

By the time all of this was occurring, I was in my early sixties and was aware (even prepared) to go through the rest of my life alone. However, I was not prepared to stay in my house and not go out and socialize again. Those were the days I was desperately alone and went out to be alone as I called it. These were also the time I went on line to explore the then new dating sites. Predictably I had to weed

On Line Dating 
Photo, Jessie Hart

out tons of crazies as I explored what was out there. "Out there" meant mostly guys who either wanted to wear my undies, treat me as a fetish object or just not show up at all where they were supposed to be. By now you are probably thinking trash in equals trash out. Ironically only most of that was true because I did find my long time partner Liz on line. 

Plus, there were other quality men I did encounter. Several I did manage to meet in the public venues I frequented and enjoyed my times with them. Including my first dinner date with a transgender man I knew. Mostly the dates went as far as good night kisses and a bit of fairly aggressive groping. Far enough I had to wonder what would come next. Or, would this be the time I would lose my "other virginity" to a man. For whatever reason nothing ever happened. To this day one of the men remains friends to me on social media to this day.

The guy I "would have/could have" gone much farther with never tried to do anything else with me but talk. You regulars who read my writings regularly will recognize him as the "motorcycle guy". He is the one I met in one of my regular venues. He came in with a small group of friends who came to accept me as one of their own. He was a big bearded guy who rode a beautiful classic motorcycle. I used to fanaticize about riding on the back of that bike with him. None of that ever happened as he went through a very quick (one week) marriage and often I was the only one who took the time to talk to him We got along very well until all of a sudden he found another job and moved from the area.

With him went the last chance ever, I would spend any real time with a guy. Early on, I was just looking for validation from being accepted as a woman but when the validation came from other women, I found I didn't need a man's approval anyway. Not that there aren't quality guys out there but as any cis woman will tell you they are often very difficult to find. 

As my life has progressed I found my sexuality never changed, but a good person is a good person regardless of their gender.  

What If?

 Why does it always seem there is a "what if" to every transgender question. Examples are many. Lets explore a few.

What if I had never went exploring in my Mom's underwear drawers and discovered the luxury of silky hose and panties. Would I have still had the same internal idea somehow I wanted to be a girl just because I wanted to wear feminine clothes. The answer was an easy one because very soon while I was still wearing the clothes of a girl I found the clothes were a stop-gap measure, I really was more interested in being the girl. Not just looking like one. In actuality proving to me I was a transgender woman not a cross dresser.

Then what if years later I had been completely recognized when I was surprised by my wife's boss in a store parking lot. Here was I dressed in a tight mini skirt, flats and wig feeling totally on my own in my chosen gender. I ended up throwing my shoulders back, standing up straight and walking past him without making any eye contact. I say I wasn't completely recognized because he made a point later of telling my wife of the large "red head" he saw in a store parking lot. Of course she made it a priority to tell me knowing full well I owned a redheaded wig and it was my favorite,

There was more "what if" to this experience. What if I had never decided to try to accomplish more day to day womanly tasks such as doing the grocery shopping. If I didn't I would have never

 
encountered a young grocery bagger who was totally flustered waiting on me. Of course it will be forever one of those endearing ego based mysteries. Was he flustered because of how I looked as a cross dresser or was it all because I was a cross dresser to start with. Either way, it was another lesson learned when a woman mentally over powers a man.

Perhaps my biggest "what if" has to with the night at the Fridays restaurant/bar when I decided enough was enough. What if I quit going out doing my best to "fool" the world into thinking I was a woman and see if I could actually exist as one in a feminine world. What if I had actually backed out of the idea after I had sat in my car positively panicked waiting for a half hour for just the right moment to go in. Of course now it is all ancient history what happened. I wasn't laughed out of the venue and ended up establishing myself as a regular for years to come. All as my authentic self.  

From there the dominoes began to fall as I began to explore the possibilities of living a feminine life I had barely dreamed of ever living. Leading me to a huge "what if" I had the determination and the perseverance to begin hormone replacement therapy. Again I made the commitment to "do the meds" and the rest is history as I love it.

In a transgender life there always seems to be more questions. I am nearly seventy three years of age and now it is time to look my final "what if" head on. My biggest fear continues to be what will happen to me if I ever have to go into an assisted living and/or nursing home situation. At this time in my life I keep telling myself not to worry about jumping off that bridge until I come to it. 

In the meantime I am setting my sights on being able to enjoy the up coming Cincinnati Pride Pub Crawl.