The Path

 The transgender path is definitely a path less taken by most human beings. However as more and more is learned about the transgender population and the more prevalent social media has become, the easier it is to understand the whys and how's of  embarking down a lifetime journey or path .All of which can even become more dangerous to the person taking it. Plus all of the current publicity could be emboldening more and more trans people to open their closet doors and explore the world. 

Exploring  the terror of a dark path often is a major problem, especially when anticipated gender euphoria never materializes. Or doesn't meet your expectations. I remember vividly when my gender path came to a fork in the road and I had to (or thought I had to) accept I would all of the sudden be attracted

Photo by Burst on Unsplash

sexually to men or continue to seek out the attention of woman. Even though I did go on a few dates with guys, I still didn't feel any particular sexual energy. Plus it didn't help when a creepy guy I also knew as a guy kept trying to approach me. I knew he made a yearly trip to Thailand so he probably was very aware and was attracted to "Lady-Boys". It didn't take me long to ignore him, just like all of those men who supposedly wanted to meet up for a drink and then never showed when I insisted on meeting in very public places. Plus, to top it all off I had a guy who managed to meet me a couple times before I found out he was married. As I was building my new woman, I most certainly didn't want anything to do with any of those guys.

Ironically, at the same time, I was finding I was getting along better and better with other women. Perhaps a portion of my success came because I was "mirroring" the others whose gender I desperately wanted to be as my authentic self. As I learned I had to first learn how to communicate on a feminine level. I thought I already did a good job from all my days dealing with women in the work world. But little did I know what I was missing when I climbed into the girl's sandbox. Sadly I didn't come out unscathed but I did come out successful. 

Today I do feel (and hope) the world is a kinder and gentler path for all LGBTQ people to follow. Just beware of the number of different side detours you may have to take to achieve your goal of living as your authentic self. Many will make your trip more interesting.  

We Got Mail

 Yesterday I wrote a post on what would have happened if I had never transitioned and received several interesting comments, one from Medium the other from Google. The first comes from Jas Martinez:

"Interesting thing about transitioning, like most life changing decisions we first have to get to a place where a change or decision needs to be made. We can look back and be sad we waited for whatever reason. But why be sad? We weren’t ready to transition if we were we would have done it. I should had gone to college, I should have moved west instead of the south, I should have not gotten married the last time and transitioned instead. Shoulda , coulda, woulda is a waste of time. Why we do these exercises of the mind is beyond me, maybe it’s to remind ourselves the fear we had back then was just that fear of uncertainty. We had to arrive in a place in time when the fear of not transitioning was greater than the fear of transitioning. Fear the greatest motivator to do or not do something." 

Thanks for the comment. Indeed, fear is a powerful motivator. I so remember all those days when the primal "fear or flight" idea ruled me during my earliest days of coming out. 

The second comment comes from Connie:

"What if I hadn’t made the move to transition? I’d still be the miserable man I was. No, actually, I’d still be the miserable excuse for a man that I was.How many times have we said that we wouldn’t wish this [gender dysphoria] on anyone? We can repress, suppress, even try to regress it; but it will forever be a part of us. It can be a vacuum, if we let it, sucking from us precious time and energy – a jealous mistress, if you will.

To the outsider, our transitioning may seem to be a giving-in to some sort of mental illness or salacious lifestyle. Some will say that God made man and woman, individually, and that he makes no mistakes. What these people don’t realize – and could never fully understand – is that we, as transgender people, do not need to be told those things, as we will have spent so much time and energy considering those “theories” before making the decision that transition is the right thing to do.

Doing the right thing for oneself does not have to be a selfish act. What can be more selfish is to allow the dysphoria to sap time and energy that could be directed toward loved ones and other positive life endeavors. The trick, I think, is to be as patient with others as we would hope they would be with us. We can never forget that the transition process is not ours alone. Everyone else in our lives must go through a transition along with us. We, of course, have the advantage of having had a lifetime to prepare for it. Not allowing others to adjust at their own pace would be quite selfish, indeed."

Great point! Often it is so difficult to not understand why others aren't so quick to adjust to a transgender person. Especially when adjustment is mistaken for rejection. 

What If?

 For some reason this morning I was thinking of what would have happened if I had never completed my gender transition from a mildly successful man to a full time transgender woman.

First of all I suffered from extreme gender dysphoria which essentially meant I went through much more dysphoria than I did feeling the gender euphoria which did happen on rare occasions and kept me going. Naturally, my life became increasingly miserable before I made the final decision to live as my authentic self. Much of the misery came from the almost daily mental gyrations I put into what I was going to do concerning my gender issues. 

Liz on right. Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

I found not only was I capable of over thinking nearly every problem I have, I could really overthink a gender transition. To the extent of attempting self harm when no solution seemed possible. Now I wonder how I ever could have ever been so blind. Even a poor transition to a feminine world just had to be better than the darkness of death.

One of the main problems I had with changing genders had to do with the perception I was being selfish. As my wife was fond of telling me, she didn't sign up in our relationship to be with another woman. In addition to her, I worried about what other family and friends would think about me. 

Finally, the whole burden was more than I could stand. In a bittersweet way I lost nearly everyone close to me and really only had my daughter and brother to come out to. I through caution to the wind and was accepted by my daughter but rejected by my brother. Suddenly I was aware I had to be selfish to survive. If someone such as my brother thought my whole gender transition was a choice, a phase or worse yet some sort of fetish he was wrong and that was his problem. 

As I thought back, I know now how much I would have missed in my life if I had never completed by trip across the gender frontier. Initially, the trip itself was exciting and terrifying. The farther I went the more I knew I made the right choice. Especially when I learned I could begin hormone replacement therapy. 

Then there were the people I met. I was helped along by more than a few women who showed me the way into their world. My daughter Andrea, my partner Liz and close friend Kim are but a few who come to mind.

In short I am so happy I finally made the jump from not so casual cross dresser to full time transgender woman. I am sad I waited so long and missed so much more life while I suffered.