Saturday, June 4, 2022

What If?

 For some reason this morning I was thinking of what would have happened if I had never completed my gender transition from a mildly successful man to a full time transgender woman.

First of all I suffered from extreme gender dysphoria which essentially meant I went through much more dysphoria than I did feeling the gender euphoria which did happen on rare occasions and kept me going. Naturally, my life became increasingly miserable before I made the final decision to live as my authentic self. Much of the misery came from the almost daily mental gyrations I put into what I was going to do concerning my gender issues. 

Liz on right. Photo Courtesy
Jessie Hart

I found not only was I capable of over thinking nearly every problem I have, I could really overthink a gender transition. To the extent of attempting self harm when no solution seemed possible. Now I wonder how I ever could have ever been so blind. Even a poor transition to a feminine world just had to be better than the darkness of death.

One of the main problems I had with changing genders had to do with the perception I was being selfish. As my wife was fond of telling me, she didn't sign up in our relationship to be with another woman. In addition to her, I worried about what other family and friends would think about me. 

Finally, the whole burden was more than I could stand. In a bittersweet way I lost nearly everyone close to me and really only had my daughter and brother to come out to. I through caution to the wind and was accepted by my daughter but rejected by my brother. Suddenly I was aware I had to be selfish to survive. If someone such as my brother thought my whole gender transition was a choice, a phase or worse yet some sort of fetish he was wrong and that was his problem. 

As I thought back, I know now how much I would have missed in my life if I had never completed by trip across the gender frontier. Initially, the trip itself was exciting and terrifying. The farther I went the more I knew I made the right choice. Especially when I learned I could begin hormone replacement therapy. 

Then there were the people I met. I was helped along by more than a few women who showed me the way into their world. My daughter Andrea, my partner Liz and close friend Kim are but a few who come to mind.

In short I am so happy I finally made the jump from not so casual cross dresser to full time transgender woman. I am sad I waited so long and missed so much more life while I suffered. 


1 comment:

  1. How many times have we said that we wouldn’t wish this [gender dysphoria] on anyone? We can repress, suppress, even try to regress it; but it will forever be a part of us. It can be a vacuum, if we let it, sucking from us precious time and energy – a jealous mistress, if you will.

    To the outsider, our transitioning may seem to be a giving-in to some sort of mental illness or salacious lifestyle. Some will say that God made man and woman, individually, and that he makes no mistakes. What these people don’t realize – and could never fully understand – is that we, as transgender people, do not need to be told those things, as we will have spent so much time and energy considering those “theories” before making the decision that transition is the right thing to do.

    Doing the right thing for oneself does not have to be a selfish act. What can be more selfish is to allow the dysphoria to sap time and energy that could be directed toward loved ones and other positive life endeavors. The trick, I think, is to be as patient with others as we would hope they would be with us. We can never forget that the transition process is not ours alone. Everyone else in our lives must go through a transition along with us. We, of course, have the advantage of having had a lifetime to prepare for it. Not allowing others to adjust at their own pace would be quite selfish, indeed.

    What if I hadn’t made the move to transition? I’d still be the miserable man I was. No, actually, I’d still be the miserable excuse for a man that I was.