Male Privilege

Recently I have received several very good in depth comments from Logan, a transgender man from the Medium writing platform I use.  From our communication I began to wonder how it would be to undertake a gender transition from the other side of the human binary. In other words , what does a transgender man go through to compete and/or thrive in a male world. Of course as I write this post, I am using a few stereotypes and biases because I can only speculate on the process. 

Years ago I actually went on a dinner date with a trans man. It was the first time I had been on a date with someone as my authentic self  so the first thing I remember is being scared to death. After all, I was building a new person from scratch.  But we aren't writing about me. Through it all, he was the perfect gentleman and we remain friends to this day.

Other transgender men I have met have come through my dealings over the years with Trans Ohio which true to its name tries to provide statewide services throughout Ohio for the transgender community. My first observation was how well they presented as men. If I had not known, there would have been no way I would ever guessed their true birth gender.  Secondly they all seemed to be so well adjusted, the opposite from many of the transgender women I meet. Probably a topic for another blog post.

Here is where my pure speculation sets in. I would think using the men's room early on would be as traumatic as it is for a novice transgender woman. Even though the great majority of men try to distance themselves from any communication in the "room." 

Unidentified Photo:
Shane on Unsplash

For younger trans men, I am sure the parental adjustment is just as brutal. It is a special breed of parent such as my former hairdresser Theresa who adjusts to, loves unconditionally and raises a trans son. A lot of effort is needed.

I think also relationships may be easier for trans men to form, at least I know several who are in relationships with cis women. My thought is (and it is only a thought) it is because women are more sexually relaxed than men. Meaning, a hybrid transgender male person can be more appealing than a cis man.

What we can't forget, male privilege comes with the potential of toxic male behavior which I haven't seen from the transgender men I have known. Perhaps it is because they were never taught it growing up.

The whole process is so interesting but still so confusing to me. Perhaps Logan or someone else could shed some light on the process a transgender man goes through to survive in a man's world. 

Grieving

 Grief is a part of our lives. As transgender women and men most of us at some point grieve the loss of our previous gender. Others, not so much. 

As I have written, my deceased wife of twenty five years was keenly into celebrating Christmas. In fact, she would have rooms dedicated to the holiday spirit. Including animated figures all the way to collector Christmas villages. We had fourteen foot ceilings and a twelve foot gigantic tree. 

All of this led up to the main holiday itself. For it, we had three main gift giving activities. Later in life as she started to grudgingly support my cross dressing, we had our own little special gift swap. Specifically for my feminine self. Of course it quickly became my favorite of all the gifting going on. 

As I fast forward this post to Christmas eve this year, it was a very sad time for me. Being me, I tried to hold my feelings in as I watched (yet again) one of my favorite Christmas movies "It's a Wonderful Life." Along the way I have learned to curtail many of my feelings around Liz concerning my previous  wife Cindy. In most cases this works fairly well. In this case it didn't.  

I was feeling so bad I couldn't hide it and Liz kept asking why.  Unfortunately I have carried the male tendency with me to never show emotion. Of course hormone replacement therapy has helped me to cry and feel emotions, in some cases I am still a rock. 

Finally yesterday morning I figured out the reason I was feeling so emotionally poor was I had never allowed myself to properly grieve when Cindy so unexpectedly passed away. This all happened way back in November of 2007 so it's not like it was yesterday. I was so mad at her for not seeking the medical care for her heart problems she obviously needed. I begged and begged to no avail and then she was gone. 

The good news is I finally allowed myself to grieve her loss on Christmas Eve. Ironically, this tragic loss in my life allowed  my authentic self to flourish. During the final six months of her life I even grew a beard to attempt at hiding my femininity. I was proud I did it on one level but intensely unhappy on another.    

The photo I am sharing today is taken of me pre beard and weighing nearly 275 pounds. Today I weigh approximately 220. 

As I approach 2022, I feel better about my life following ridding myself of part of the grief I felt over the years. I doubt if I will ever be totally free of the feelings but I am trying to replace the bad with good remembrances of the twenty five years we had together which in turn will make me an easier person to live with. 

The Most Difficult Post?

 Seemingly the Christmas Day post here in Cyrsti's Condo would be one of the easier ones to write. But, it just isn't. 

I know for many in the LGBTQ community the day brings back memories of ex-blood families who have rejected us. Of course I have documented many times  how my brother and his family did not support me when I came out to them as transgender. These days the extended family I have developed have more than replaced what I have lost from my brother. 

The bigger loss to me were the frenetic times I spent with my deceased wife whose favorite holiday by far was Christmas. All the memories now are so fond and bring back such great memories, it makes Christmas one of the more difficult times of the year for me too. As much as I try to make it as close to any other day as possible, I just don't want to.

Even my daughter quit celebrating the Christmas holiday when she converted  to Judaism. This Christmas she is spending in Alaska with her kids on some sort of a glacier. That leaves just me, Liz and her son to feast on a holiday ham. As far as ham goes, we now have an embarrassment of riches. We bought one on our pickup from our main grocery store was shorted on our order. So it was deducted and we went down the street to another store and bought one. Then when we returned home and found the ham they shorted us. Finally, to make matters even more ridiculous, Liz was gifted a large ham or turkey from her company.   So either we have enough protein to last through June or we donate one of the hams to a local food pantry.

So much for our positive food issues. Let's get to the important part of this post. I hope you all have a meaningful holiday, however you decide to celebrate it!