Body Image and the Trans Girl

As I continue to write bits and pieces in my book, the topic of body image keeps coming up. As referenced in yesterdays Cyrsti's Condo post, cis women often have the same problems with feeling secure in their own skins as we transgender women.

Through the years we have to struggle through the dazzling yet scary arrays of makeup and fashion to desperately try to find our spot on the world. The ancient stereotype of the cross dresser squeezed into a mini skirt and heels waltzing through a mall somewhere is my scariest vision and one I am afraid I tried too. Fortunately, there are no pictures :).

Then there is/was makeup to contend with. In the looking like a clown department, I was lucky I had quite a few chances to experiment when I was younger with makeup...even to the point of convincing my first fiance to apply it for me.  As far as my body image was concerned though, I didn't really have one, except an unrealistic view of how I thought I should look. Again and again, the wrong use of mini skirts did me no favors. I was over reacting to the rare occasions people saw me in a short skirt and saying I had good legs. The problem was I had no idea of how to properly showcase a feminine asset. In fact, I went the opposite direction.

In the 1970's I became enamored with the hippie boho look, complete with bell bottom jeans etc. So, I began to try to dress myself in those fashion directions (which I still like to this day). In fact, I used to get asked at the transvestite mixers I went to how I could not possibly wear a dress. During that time I was slowly beginning to discover my inner woman's body image I have today.

I still rarely wear dresses or skirts. Relying instead on leggings and sweaters during the cold seasons and lightweight culottes with tank tops in the summer. I do have a couple maxi dresses for the hottest days.

The fun part is, women can be different and that is OK...to a point. The hard part still is getting to a point where your inner woman tells you what she wants to be.

These days though, there are getting to be numerous places one can go to for help with your body image. Take Ginger Burr's Total Image Consultants for example. Leann wrote in and said Ginger runs a very trans woman friendly business. Plus around here (Cincinnati) there are a couple of the big specialty makeup stores which are more than happy to help a novice with her makeup needs.

Look, I know the vast majority of us will always struggle with the testosterone poisoning we went through or still going through. On the other hand, options are becoming more accessible to help with your body image problems as you attempt to sync up your internal and external selves.

It's Not Just You

As you stress out on a daily basis on what you are going to wear to best express your feminine self, I bet along the way you have thought it must be wonderful to be a cis woman and not have to worry so much.

If the truth be known, the only advantage cis women have over transgender women and/or cross dressers is practice and feedback. Of course they have years of practice dressing feminine and plenty of feedback if they happen to do it right or wrong. Usually, by the time we get to live as our authentic selves, we have quite a bit of catching up to do.

I can attest it is easy to get into a rut once you start to live full time for an extended amount of time.

Imagine my amazement when I saw my life in writing on the "Total Image Consultant" blog which to my knowledge has nothing to do with the transgender world at all:

"Dear Cyrsti, As a business woman with a full schedule, I get it - how easy it is to shift into autopilot, put on the same top and pants each week, day after day, and go about your tasks without ever checking in on yourself and your true desires. Have you ever had that feeling that who the world is seeing on the outside is not the woman you truly are on the inside? Years ago I struggled with this a lot. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I felt different from others, but also wanted to blend in and feel accepted, but nothing I did worked. I tried dressing like the women I saw, but somehow they always looked better. It took me a while, but I finally realized that trying to be a poor imitation of another person was not going to help me feel fulfilled and authentically me! That was a big awakening and I also knew I had to learn HOW to express my own brand of uniqueness. Ahhhh, what a difference that made! And, that’s why I was thrilled when my friend (and conscious fashion stylist) Amanda Weil told me she was hosting an interview series all around this topic and weaving in personal style as a way to embody your true self and feel seen, valuable, and ALIVE. Even more exciting, I’m one of the experts she’s invited on the series to help guide you to embody your true self!" Wow! I don't believe I have ever read something a "civilian" wrote describing me so well! I hope you got as much out of it as I did!

It's a Process

I love it on the days I don't have to write a Cyrsti's Condo post. On occasion it is so difficult to write a daily blog!

Thanks to Connie, we all can enjoy a great post today:

"Transition is a process. The reason I had to engage in the process was that I had gotten to the point where I felt I was a fake, no matter what gender I was showing. Whether I was really an impostor or not could be debated, but I still felt that way when I would jump, back and forth, between being seen as a man or a woman. Ultimately, I chose to be seen as a feminine being who possessed some masculine traits, rather than what I had been fighting most of my life - being the man who was hiding feminine traits behind a more-macho facade. I don't think I made for a terrible man, but I never could see myself as living up to expectations of what a proper man should be.

There's a difference between being a gentleman and being a gentle man. I was always happy to be seen as a gentleman, as even the most manly of men could be one. I was never happy when I thought people were perceiving me to be a gentle man, however, as I felt weakened by it. Had I really been secure in my manhood, though, I don't know that I would have felt that way. My gentleness has always been rooted in my femininity, so I was never going to feel secure about anything as long as I was seen as a man.

Living as a woman for the past few years has finally brought peace, and I am happy to be seen as a woman who possesses some masculine traits. While being seeing seen as a gentle man was disturbing to me, being seen as a strong and capable woman delights me. The advantages that came with my male privilege in the past have helped me to be who I am. The difference, though, is that my transition has caused me to use a different filter - a feminine one. The intuition was always there, but I had been using the wrong filter. Sifting through everything with the proper filter has been my transition, and seeing what comes out the other side is just as it should be (even if I must continue to run much of it back through regularly)."

See, I told you it was a great post!