Playing the Part?

Connie asked the question did I think I was "playing" the part of alpha male before I MtF gender transitioned and I relied (figuratively) very much so.

Kindergarten through ninth grade, I went to a very small semi rural school. Our class size was normally well under a hundred students. Along the way I needed to pick a group to try to fit in with since I was a slightly effeminate boy who happened to love sports. Since choices were so limited I tried and found myself fitting in with a group of junior "hell raisers." Which at the least protected me from bullying.

These were the days of desperately wanting to be a cute cheerleader rather than getting beat up (mostly) at defensive end. So I was sharpening my initial "macho man play skills!

Here's Connie's comment:

"Just wondering....Do you consider yourself to have been playing the part of an alpha male before deciding to transition? I ask because I never did, and we seem to have had different experiences in our respective transitions. For me, it was a deprogramming of the self-brainwashing I had done in order to fit the male persona I thought I needed to project - not the other way around. I have also never really seen any difference in the way I've been treated since, as you say, playing in the girl's sandbox. At least, there was no more back-stabbing after entering it than there was before - but most of it has always been good. 

I came to realize many years ago that the lessons my mother gave me on being a gentleman were really lessons on how women expect to be treated by a man (my father died when I was eight-years-old, so I never really got lessons from the male point of view). Growing up, I was often bullied by boys, for which I developed a sharp enough wit to counteract them. I had little trouble being included with the girls, however, when the opportunities were there for me to do so. I used sports to portray myself as a rough and tumble guy, and any success I had with the guys was as a "quiet leader", but certainly not as an alpha male. 

Later, my wife was the envy of all her women friends because I always did more than my share of the homemaking duties, doing all of the grocery shopping, cooking many of our meals, and even arranging my work schedule so that I could be a stay-at-home dad at least half of the time. Although I was deeply suppressing my true gender during those times, I believe I was allowing myself to express my feminine self as much as I could. I always felt right at home in the mom groups, and I would often have long chats on the phone with many of our lady friends. The women would feel free to gossip and tell me things in confidence that I imagine they never would to the average man. When my resistance finally broke down, and the need for me to let my feminine-self be seen (if only by myself in the mirror), it was because of the connection I had with other women so much more than it was from the "thrill" of cross dressing. I was never so happy then as when I could be free to look the part while having one of those phone conversations - even though the guilt was building because of my secret. My goodness, I was not only cheating on my wife and family, I was cheating on everyone (including myself, really).

As you say, people have to go through the socialization in their own way. I suppose I was lucky that I managed to create the illusion of being male while still expressing my feminine side in a socially acceptable manner. The social transition has been fairly easy, as a result. I must say, though, that whether you are cis or trans, it's still very unnerving to find that your mother-in-law is comfortable in telling you, in detail, about her sex life. Yikes! TMI!!! :-)"

Thanks Connie, to this day I carry with me the idea's my Mother had such as always walking on the outside of a woman on a street, the proper way to help with a coat, and yes housework too!

Life Turns on a Dime - Part 11

Many times I think some think HRT is some sort of an end to a journey when in fact, it is just the start of one of the biggest journeys of ones life. A Mtf Gender transition of course is one of the most difficult jobs one can take on.

One of the first hurdles I faced and still do to an extent, was what to do with this full head of glorious hair I had been blessed with. Very early, my daughter gave me a birthday present for a visit to her hair salon, something I truthfully still can't afford on my meager salary. I can tell you the experience was heavenly and I can see why cis women want to go as much as they do. Outside of looks of course.

And then, there was the whole matter of feminine socialization. I had to learn the hard way what it was like to live 24/7 as a woman with many of my problems coming from other women. Playing in the "girl's sandbox" taught me in a hurry not to let a smiling face hide a knife lurking behind a back.

Plus restrooms (as I have written) were a tender spot for me, having been "talked to" by the cops a couple times back in the days previous to all we read today, about restroom problems.

It's difficult to write much concerning socialization because everyone has to go through it their own way. Some has to do with whom you happen to be doing it with - if anyone, which was pretty much the case with me. Even to the point of brain washing myself into not believing I still had to play like I was still a boy or even macho man.

As much as you might think I am painting a pessimistic picture here, I'm not. The results for me were totally worth it to the point of wondering why I waited so long to transgender transition.  So HRT was just another beginning for me.

As it turns out, society was beginning to catch up with the LGBT community and make our lives so much easier.

Timing is Everything

Or lack of it.

I wrote a week or so ago about my new glasses I am awaiting. The glasses could come any day now-or any week now for the next couple.

The reason I am extra anxious to see them (no pun intended) is to try them with my new hair color. Having written that, my new color is just an updated version of my old color (without the gray) the color itself is a very dark auburn. I still plan on trying to update a couple of pictures with the "new look".

All of this really needs to happen by the end of the month when Liz and I are going to an artists show we were invited to and a "Writer in Residence" program I would like to attend at the Cincinnati Public Library.

For both occasions I have updated my business cards to plug my book "Stiletto's on Thin Ice."

I even have a new dress I have been saving back for the artist's show and Valentines Day I haven't worn yet.

Tomorrow is another trip to my Trans veteran therapist which usually is always interesting when a get to meet in person the receptionists who insist on mis-gendering me on the phone. You would thing after all this time they would get it right.

The folks who did get it right this weekend were my daughter's family and in laws who have always accepted me with open arms.

So all in all life is rolling by!