Life Turns on a Dime - Part Seven

Time moved on and I found myself in the mid 1990's beginning one of the most difficult decades of my life for several different reasons.

To make many long stories short, during this time I was taking every possible opportunity to live my life as close to a woman as I could. Plus during this decade I was going to purge a year or so before my wife passed away. I grew a beard and ballooned to 275 pounds. Also, my Dad and three of my dearest friends were going to pass away and I was going to lose almost everything I worked so hard for during the recession.

Since I have jumped so far ahead, now let me back tract to a couple key events I have written about here in the blog during the past which gave me the courage to move on in the feminine world.

Since I became relatively secure in my abilities to negotiate the world in certain "safe" spots such as clothing and book stores, I felt it was time to spend an evening as close to being a woman as I could. Could I go stealth?

I chose an upscale restaurant bar for my trial because running a similar operation was what I did for a living. I knew once I made it past the hostesses, I would have a fairly easy trip to the bar where a group of professional women gathered after work for a drink most nights. I hoped if I dressed the part I could fit right in...sort of. That is if I could breathe because I was sooooo scared.

The five minutes or so I spent in the parking lot gathering my confidence seemed like five hours before I pulled up my big girl panties and went in. As suspected the hostess gave me the once over and asked if I needed a table and I said no "I was only there for a cocktail" and she directed me to the bar which had a couple big wooden posts on each end. Fortunately, there was a seat open near one, so I could do my "wood" impression blended in,  swept back my long blonde hair and ordered a drink. If indeed the bartender knew anything was amiss I don't know to this day but I was served, ordered another, tipped well and left. As I finally began to breathe again, I knew the night was something I wanted to do again and again.

The evening emboldened me to try to go to other similar places. Some of which I was successful and others not so much, mainly because of having to use the women's restroom. Along the way, I got kicked out of one place, had the cops called on me twice and got screamed at once. Through it all though I knew I had to keep on trying.

The biggest lesson I learned was I needed to adopt one similar style and stick with it. Or, quit being a blonde one night, redhead a couple nights later and a curly brunette a couple nights after that. In essence I was building an exterior image to fit my evolving interior.

Unfortunately, my extra curricular activities brought me more and more into possible contact with my wife.  One night after she caught me out again, we had yet another giant fight which led to me taking a whole bottle of one of my meds which luckily didn't kill me. I knew then the only way to stop the lying and sneaking around (which I considered cheating) was to grow a beard.

I'm proud at least I did because a year and half later she would be gone. Passing away from an unexpected heart attack after 25 years of marriage.

Coming up in the next series of "Dime" posts...what's next...or getting pushed down the slope.

Transgender Veterans

Thanks to Michelle Hart (no relation) for sending along a couple of VA LGBT related links and to Lynn for checking in via the Email route! As it turns out, Lynn and I share treatment close by and she actually hails from somewhat close to Shelle's neck of the woods. ( and both are trans vets.)

Here is the first link  and the second.

Thanks to all three of you for your service!

UpDateable

An estimated 0.7 percent of youth ages 13 to 17, or 150,000 youth, identify as transgender in the United States, according to a new study released by The Williams Institute at the UCLA School of Law. This study is the first to provide population estimates for youth who identify as transgender in each of the 50 states, plus the District of Columbia.
"

By now you have probably heard outgoing President OBama commuted the sentence of transgender veteran Chelsea Manning  allowing the convicted Army leaker to go free nearly three decades early as part of a sweeping move to offer clemency in the final days of his administration.




And a couple comments from our on going "Dime" posts:
Connie... the last post takes us into the mid to late 1990's!

And Pat:

"I think that if I have read you correctly it was a long slow process over the years that led to your epiphany that you are transgender. I would surmise that if you are transgender then getting out and about while dressed for shopping, restaurants, etc. was not a slippery slope but an affirmation of your core essence. 

Is the slippery slope analogy related to the concept of sneaking out on you wife to seek your feminine affirmation. If so that is a difficult issue. A real strong part of you (us) wants and needs to get out and about presenting in the female gender. At the same time we know that our wives may not like that idea. They may resist all gender issues or they may simply fear that people will find out and that there will be the issues that go with that. In any event I know that my wife fears disclosure and she fears, rationally or otherwise, all the bad things that can happen if I were out in a dress. This presents a bit of a hard choice. We need to go out but our going out upsets the person we love. Is the compromise to simply not tell her we are going out while dressed? Is this your slippery slope?"

Yes Pat, perhaps to put it more succinctly, deep down inside I knew I was transgender. The "slippery slope" reference came as I kept making excuses not to follow my heart until I was pushed into it by others as you will read in an upcoming post. 

My wife was a critical part of all of this of course, until she passed away.

And finally again from Connie:

"OOOOO...Hot in Cleveland! Did you ever apply to be a member of the Vanity Club sorority? They consider themselves to be "A" listers, I'm sure, but the fact that they do is enough to keep me far away from them (I was urged relentlessly by one of them to submit my photo(s) and profile).

 I never found posting a ton of pics to be validating, nor did I find "making the scene" with a gaggle of cross dressers validating. I'll always be grateful that they were there to get me jump-started, but the quick lesson I got was that I was not like them. I think we sometimes need to experience things just to find what we ARE NOT in our journeys to find who we are."

No. I was never a member (or applied to the Vanity Club. As you said I was busy experiencing things on my path to transgender self discovery!