'Nuttin Honey'

Rarely am I at a loss for words-written or vocal. That's not to say I am full of quality words, but over my lifetime I have faced down my share of "Bull-shitters." Today it seems is one of those days my noggin is quiet.

As all of you know (who are 'blessed' with gender dysphoria) times are rare when we don't try to dig deep within ourselves and question "why"?

I think I am in one of those burn out modes I get into. Going into the Fourth of July weekend, my "Rolls" (car) broke down and I couldn't make my VA Cat scan appointment, was laid up with a bum knee and had to figure out how to scrape up money to pay my property tax. So I basically spent the weekend not at Liz's, by myself as she was working. I don't do well left to myself and basically want to knaw my arm off.

So, today, I am on the comeback trail. My car is getting fixed, my knee is feeling better and my cat-scan has been rescheduled. About the best I could come up with yesterday was a trip through Walmart with "ghosts of cross dressing past." I am too lazy today so far to jump over to Pinterest to snag a photo of an impossibly beautiful (and/or fake transgender woman).

One benefit of being retired is, I can relax a bit more before something else in the transgender world happens I can write about.

Until then, silence is golden? 

Karen, Roxie and I in Walmart

This morning as I finished another VA doctors visit, I stopped at a Walmart to pick up shipping supplies. While I am the first to say I think Walmart has single handily done more to rip the economic heart out of this country, I will say I am a hypocrite and buy boxes/shipping tape at about one third of what I pay anywhere else.

As I was walking through the store, I couldn't help but remember the women walking with me I barely recognized. On one side was a woman from my past I called Karen. Karen was named after a middle school crush I had. To me a "crush" was wanting to be her. My Karen really blossomed in the 1980's. She did fairly well with the big hair, over sized sweaters worn with short skirts and flats. In fact, Karen gave me the courage I could present well enough in the world to get by as a cross dresser. But, essentially, I out grew her the more I searched for my "fit" in a feminine world. 

On the other side of me, came Roxie. As the name would lead you to believe, Roxie was much more adventurous than Karen. Roxie did a lot of crazy stuff in short skirts,heels and blond wigs. Many times "over the top" would be a kind description of her. In many ways Roxie was the antithesis of Karen in that she was too showy-especially for Walmart.

In fact, I tried to judge my "pass-ability" by heading for Walmart.  I never was the sharpest tack in the box and kept going back for more punishment from the hillbillies in this town.  After a while even I understood my long blond wig and black jump suit really fit in well in downtown Columbus and really bad at my local Walmart.

Fast forward to today. Basically, no one gave me a second look. As much as I wanted to break out my "happy dance"-the fact remained the place was nearly empty at that time in the morning (10 AM). On the other hand, my hard earned belief in myself as a trans woman plus the effects of HRT brought me to the point where I am today.

Roxie and Karen were smiling.

The Labels Of Gender Transition

These days I think I am able to put up a pretty good front about my transgender life. Peeps looking in have a tendency to think I am well adjusted. It's true, comparatively speaking I am well adjusted with my life long gender dysphoria. Most of you know though, the hell we go through to get our lives to where we are today. I tell everyone, I would not wish this on anyone and don't tell me I had a choice. Plus, my life today is hard earned and far from complete. I believe I will be transitioning until the "Grim Reaper" comes to fetch me and I ask him if his robe is "Goth" or "Boho" inspired. 

At any rate, I happened across this post from Deidre O'Bryne , a transgender woman from Ireland. In it she touches on one of my most asked question: "At what age did I know I was transgender."  I thought I would pass it along.

Deidre O'Bryne

"AT WHAT AGE did I know I was transgender? It depends on what you mean by “know”. My first time looking at clothes in a different way was at age nine. I spent my teenage years and young adulthood feeling different in a way I couldn’t put my finger on."

She goes on to write about her conflicts with being a cross dresser and other deep questions most of us have struggled with for a life time. She discusses inner gender wars, HRT and gender markers among other things.

Take a look at Deidre's post here.