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| Tim Curry in the "Rocky Horror Picture Show" |
It turned out that all the dreams and hopes I had ever had
over the years came to fruition. Largely with the help of a few key women
friends, I was kicked out of my old male nest and into their embrace. It was more than I ever asked for and I
thought ever deserved because I was raised never to be happy or satisfied with
anything I ever did. It could be too that I was happy because of all the work I
put in to achieving my transgender goal was working.
Along my gender path, I discovered many blind spots along
the way. Several of which almost derailed my attempts to reach my goal altogether.
Examples included the times when I was out in the world as a crossdresser and
almost was attacked by two men on a dark urban sidewalk outside of a gay venue
in Dayton, Ohio I had just left. Or the time I was cornered by a cross-dresser “admirer”
who was much bigger than I at a social mixer in Columbus, Ohio. Both were sudden
reminders of how different a world I was in as a trans woman when all my
personal security was taken away. Following both of those unfortunate interactions,
I learned the hard way to go slowly around any future blind curves I was facing.
It was about this time when I discovered that being able to
make it behind the gender curtain was going to take much more than I thought.
Mainly because even if I knew ciswomen operated on a whole different wavelength
than cismen, I had no idea as to how complex the differences in life went
between the genders. Suddenly, I realized why men said they never understood
women. It was because women had set their worlds up that way to protect
themselves from potentially toxic men. Which I needed to be particularly
careful of since I was spending a lot of my life consuming alcohol in venues as
a novice single woman. One night comes back to me as a strong learning
experience when a toxic drunk man approached me and attempted to start a
conversation. Quickly one of my woman bar tenders approached me and with out a
word warned me to stay away from him. From then on non-verbal communication
became a part of my learning experience when I dealt with other women.
Finally, I got to the point where I could navigate all the
blind gender curves I was facing and was even up to the challenge. It became
the all that and more time of my life. Sure I had my setbacks, but overall, I
was successful except for the night a group of drunken men kept playing “Dude
Looks Like a Lady” on the jukebox in a venue where I never had any trouble
entertaining myself before. Finally, the spineless manager came up to me and
said I needed to leave so I picked up my purse and headed up the street a
couple blocks to another venue I was accepted in. It took a month or so but one
night when I was back in that venue, one of my former bartenders from the venue
I was kicked out of found me and gave me a personal invitation to come back. It
seems “Mr. Manager” got fired for drug abuse and I had indirectly got my
revenge because I never saw the drunks who harassed me that night again. Revenge
was certainly sweet.
Back in those days, acceptance came easier for me than I
ever thought possible when I left the restrictive gay venues I was in and began
to explore the world as my true self. It was probably because my confidence
kept growing every time, I was successful in going out. I needed to come to the
point where if anyone had a problem with me, it was their problem not mine and
happiness was just around the next blind curve and I just had to see around the
curve to discover it because I was still so stubborn to continue to hang on to
what was left of my marriage and my male life. Then sadly, destiny set in and I
lost my second wife to a massive heart attack and three of my closest male friends
to cancer in a two-year period. Leaving me desperately alone and searching for
answers.
As I said, destiny set in and I went full circle into a transfeminine
future complete with new friends, wife and life. I changed for good when my third
wife Liz told me she had never seen any male in me at all, so why did not I
just give up the charade I was living with one foot on either side of the two
binary genders. It was as if I had paid my dues living as a man which was a lie
and it was time to move on into my new world which included the magic of HRT.
Which really helped to soften my view of the world as well as my own body as I
synced my mental processes up with my external public presentation.
I never recommend anyone take as long as I did to follow
their male to female (or female to male) trips across the border. But then
again times change and hopefully the gender pendulum will swing back in our
favor from all the ridiculous attacks from a certain orange president in Washington
and his blind followers. Regardless of what happens though, crossing that
border and finding your way behind the gender curtain will never be easy. So
buckle up for the ride of your life.
Over the days which have recently passed, I did mention the
death of music and world icon “Dolly Parton” but neglected to mention “Tim Curry”
of film fame for his role in the 1975 cult movie classic “The Rocky Horror Picture
Show” which helped to re-define the boundaries of gender for all of us. He was
80 as was Dolly and will be missed although his work will live on forever.
