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| JJ Hart, Back row far left Girls Night Out. |
Very early in my cross-dressing days, I always tried to have a plan b in the back of my head if danger approached in the form of my brother discovering me or my parents coming home early from work.
Seeing as how I had no effective plan to get out of what I
was doing in mom’s dresses and makeup, I thought that somehow, I would have to
just try to lie my way out of it and say I would never attempt it again. Knowing
that was a deal with the devil I could never make and expect to keep. As I
continued to cross-dress in the family mirrors, I finally had to throw caution
to the wind and just go ahead and do it.
Years went by as well as the complexity of what I was doing
as I tried my best to express my feminine self. At the least, I thought of
better ways to hide away my resources from prying eyes and was successful all
but once when I got careless on a weekend, I was away when I was waiting to go
into the Army and start basic training. What happened was, I had just mixed my
feminine clothes and wig in with a bunch of my male clothes thinking that one
would disturb them until I returned. I was wrong and when I got back, everyone
else in my apartment had not returned home for a college break leaving me all alone
except for one other guy who had come over to visit.
As we sat around drinking a few beers, I decided to gather
my courage and somehow asked would he like to see me dressed as a woman.
Effectively, throwing all ideas of a plan b if he got up and bolted out of the
apartment. To my surprise, he did not and was receptive to the idea, so I left
to start the prep work needed to finally come out to another person. After I
had taken the time to shower and shave my legs and face, I went into my bedroom
looking for my feminine clothes, wig and makeup. Only to be shocked to learn
they were all gone. Someone had stolen them when I was gone. All the plans for
the evening I had were shattered as we sat around and then finished all the
beer and nothing was ever said about him coming so close to meeting the true
me. As far as confronting anyone about where my clothes, wig and makeup had
gone, I decided to keep my mouth shut because I was so close to having to
report to Ft. Knox in Kentucky for Army basic training anyhow. A final solution
for a plan b during the next three years of my life. I knew I could not
entertain any ideas of cross-dressing at all.
When I was discharged and Halloween parties with my friends
became the only external form of feminine expression that I had, I needed to
ignore any of the warning signs that I was giving away any idea I was not as
masculine as I acted. I was so into going to Halloween dressed as a woman that
I decided to take matters into my own hands and ignore all the plan b’s that I
had thought up. Even to the point if some other person commented on my “costume”
and the effort which went into it, I would just try to laugh it off. Mostly what
happened was compliments from other ciswomen on my shaved legs and I even
gained the nickname of “legs” with several of them which I had to act like I
did not care. When deep down inside I was overjoyed and wanted more input. It
took me years to understand what they were really saying was I looked good for
a man dressing as a woman.
As more years went by and I became very serious about being
a transgender woman and was attempting to hide it from my second wife, plan b’s
became very important to me. In many ways, I had regressed to my childhood in
the ways as I had to hide my femininity away from her. In addition to being
very tuned in to when she got off of work, I needed to get better and better at
makeup and eye makeup removal, so hopefully she couldn’t tell what I was doing
when she was at work. The problem was that practice was making my femininized
presentation more effective. Success
just made me want more and having a plan b at all was disappearing totally.
For the longest time, the only recourse I had was to attempt
to lie my way out of whatever transgender activities I even had to resort to trying
therapy to save our relationship. The gender therapist was wiser than I was and
told me there was nothing she could do about my deep-seated gender issues. I was
trying to buy time with my wife and save our relationship as long as I could,
but the therapist was not a miracle worker and I quit going. Leaving me to wonder
what I would do about finding the next plan b I desperately needed to hold my
marriage together. Because I knew it would be just inevitable my wife would
discover what I was doing as a transgender woman exploring the world and we
would have a gigantic fight because I had promised I was going to stay home.
The problem was that I knew I was wrong and was just buying
time until the next adventure I had in the world with the ciswomen that ran it.
Finally, what happened was I ran out of all needs to have a
plan b when it came to me being a transfeminine person. I had learned to live
freely behind the gender curtain which I had waited so long and worked so hard
to do. In fact, it was the only big dream I had in my life. I then resorted to
a new plan to live out my life the way I wanted.
