 |
| Image from Alexsy Turenkov on UnSplash. |
As I made my way into the public’s eye as a novice transgender woman, I needed to prove to the average person I was much more than a man in a dress with a wig and makeup.
It meant I needed to change my entire thought pattern too
about who I thought I was because for the longest time, I considered myself more
or less a feminine “hobbyist” who dabbled in wearing feminine clothes and makeup.
I considered myself as serious about my hobby as much as I did my brother being
serious about his golf game.
Ironically, I can not put my finger on the exact moment I
started to change my overall thoughts on myself, but it was a gradual process.
Triggered by me being exposed to the transgender term for the first time in my
life. It all came from the fact that I knew there just had to be more to what I
was doing with my feminine self than just a casual process and the transgender terminology
appealed to me. Being trans took me another step towards living my ultimate
dream of living as a transfeminine person more than anything I had ever read
before.
All my research into gender dysphoria and its effects on me
led me to slide myself increasingly on the gender scale to the feminine side of
the spectrum internally. Which was the easier part initially. Then, all I
needed to do was internalize my feelings and keep on living my male life so no
one would notice that I was different at all. The problem was, I did not know
how much internalizing my gender dysphoria would hurt me in the short and long
term.
As I always knew, but tried to hide, just cross-dressing was
never going to be enough for me, as I wanted to do more with my life as a
woman. Of course, once I realized it, I needed to plan a course to do something
about it. Being stuck in a restrictive single occupant closet was not going to
be enough. Somehow, I needed to gather the two C’s, courage and confidence to
take on the world as my authentic feminine self if I was ever going to do more
than jut survive in the male world I wanted nothing to do with. I needed to get
out of it and convince others I was so much more than some sort of a drag queen
playing a part of a woman.
Little did I know, the drag queen problem would take care of
itself everywhere but in the gay venues I was going to often. After I was done
hitting my head against the wall in the gay venues, I decided to go back into
the world once again to see if I could be viewed than more than someone’s fantasy
object. Accomplishing it became easier to me than I ever thought possible when
all I had to do was to keep going back to the venues I had frequented as a man
but this time as a trans woman. If I managed to wear the same wig and look the same,
I was hard to miss and easy to remember if I followed my basics of always being
pleasant, never causing problems and tipping well. By doing so, I became a regular
before I knew it and I started to carve out a whole new feminine life away from
my male past. Most importantly, there were no passing fantasies involved for me,
no smoke and mirrors as I was actually doing it.
I continued to take my trans show on the road, so to speak,
as I tried to live every spare moment as a woman to see if my dreams were more
than just dreams and not turn out to be nightmares. I was trying to make sure I
had all my life’s basics covered if I was ever going to give up everything I
had earned as a man. Use what I could as a transgender woman and start all over
again. That way, I would not totally be starting over, I could take what I learned
as a so-called cisman and apply it all towards the scary but exciting new world
I was living in.
Doing the same things over and over as a woman helped me to carve
out the new life I had always wanted to live. Other ciswomen knew my name and
wanted to know more about my life because they were curious why I wanted into
their world. I was in heaven and continued to want more as my life changed for
the better. It all did because I had the courage to put myself out in the
public’s eye. While I never managed to be the most attractive woman in the room,
I was the most consistent with my look. Which was all I could do with what I
had to work with in my testosterone poisoned body. It took me a lot of time and
effort, but I put away all my old misgivings about my life’s journey and kept
my momentum up towards my extreme male to female femininization project.
By this time, most all the family and friends who meant
anything to me had passed away leaving me all alone in the world to do what I
wanted. After all those years of playing around with thinking I was a casual
cross-dresser had completely left my mind and looking like a woman was much
more than a mere fantasy, I was ready to move forward into the world I had
always should have been a part of. It turned out to be a for better or for worse
deal for me by this time. I had put so much effort into the struggle to
femininize myself and get out of the male world that it all turned out for the
better as I entered a win-win situation in the world.
In fact, during my life, there was no way I ever could have fantasized
arriving in the place where I had arrived. I love it when a plan comes together.
Even though it took me so long.
Thanks for reading along with all my hopes and desires
during my life.
Thought are always appreciated!
