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| Image from Hayley Lawrence on UnSplash. |
As we dodged yet another terrible weather bullet where we live in this part of Cincinnati, and I sit here writing, I feel a deep sense of belonging in the life I discovered years ago.
Certainly, through most of my life, I never thought I could
make it this far and live out my own dream of living as a fulltime transgender
woman. Possibly, it is because I got off to such a rough start when I left my
gender closet and took on the world. Back in those days also I had such a
simplistic view of what it would take me to live as a woman. I mistakenly
thought I would just have to look as close as I could to a ciswoman. I had no idea
of how wrong that would turn out to be.
What I had never really considered was how difficult it
would be to truly cross the gender border and face all the everyday challenges
ciswomen face in the world. Including the ones from toxic men. In that sense, I
was fortunate in that I was not attractive enough to garner much attention from
cismen at all and only had to deal with the new surge of attention I received from
the women around me who mainly wanted to know more about what I was doing in
their world. What the women never knew was when they were studying me, I was
closely studying them because I was on a crash course to learn everything, I
needed to be accepted into their club and be allowed behind their gender
curtain.
Referring back to a recent post of mine and a comment from “Mark”,
I was excited to be finding the true me and I enjoyed the excitement of being
in a new world I always wanted to be in. Probably because I thought it would
never be me who could do it. Thanks for commenting, Mark!
Change was slow, but eventually the confidence came that
just maybe I could exist in a world where ciswomen ruled and make it. It was
only then when I had any idea that it could be me that made it into the world I
knew from my transgender mentors I had met at the parties I was going to in
Columbus, Ohio. At that time, even though I had very few certainties of where I
would end up in life, if I had my choice I rather be like the trans women I
knew that the part-time cross-dresser than I was. It was my dream and I was
sticking to it. Even though I knew I did not have the natural resources or the
financial means to be as beautiful as my friends were. I realized that all
ciswomen were not classic beauties but lived fulfilled and impactful lives
anyhow. So, there was a path for me anyhow.
My new idea opened a whole new vista of being femininized for
me. It meant so much more than the makeup, hair and pretty clothes I was having
a chance to wear for the first time. Suddenly, I could see a path forward to where
I could see the real me for a change. A person that I had no idea about was
there but liked it when I discovered her.
Now is the time I always take to explain how difficult this
part of my life was. It seemed nothing was coming easy to me as I struggled to
find a middle point with my second wife over my gender desires and my work was
making new demands on my male self. The worst part was that the idea of who I
was internally was becoming clouded and I lost sight of where I needed to go to
find me. As I grasped for answers, I could not wait to get back to my safe place
in Columbus and interact with the diverse LGBTQ group of people who always
gathered there.
It took a while, but I finally gathered the courage to set
out on my own to see if my idea of making it in the world as a transfeminine
person was dead. The problem was that I only had known the world of gay venues
to attempt to express myself. Since I had never identified as a gay male, I
never felt at home in their venues, only lesbian bars and large straight
places. I needed an extraordinary amount of courage to begin to see if I could
exist in both at all. When I found out I could, almost nightly if I was not
working, I was trying out the new world I was carving out for myself. No matter
how hard I tried to blend in with everyone else, I did not to the staff of
bartenders and servers who routinely took care of me, and I was unmistakable to
them and had no problems becoming a regular. A smiling face and good tips took
care of the rest.
Long story short, I was finding myself as the person I had
no idea I could be. Before I knew it, I needed to settle on one wig and decide
on a new feminine name for me to use in every venue I was in regularly. The
pressure was on to not lose everything that I had gained over the years, and
this time I could just start all over again building a new woman from the building
blocks of my male life. The prize I never thought I would ever get was suddenly
within reach, and I needed to figure out what to do next.
That decision was made for me when my second wife as well as
the only good male friends I had ever had all passed away in a short span of
time. I was left by myself to decide my future which without much thought
turned out to be female. Yes, the idea I never thought would come true was,
just when I thought again that it never would. I am a living example of how
someone’s life can change if you stay on your gender path. Especially when you
don’t expect it. Sadly, I remember the dark days when all I had was two dogs to
comfort me in my times of duress and I had no idea I could ever climb out of my
depression to where I could find the support, I needed to live my dream life.
It turned out for me that my grand idea was a good one after
all.
