Constant Refinement of Life as a Trans Woman

Image from JJ Jordan
on UnSplash. 

 Proper presenting as a woman has always been a challenge for me. After I went through an unwanted male puberty into an equally resented manhood, I emerged with no real feminine characteristics to work with. So, I had to begin from ground zero on my path to my own unique form of womanhood. 

When I could still find some of mom’s clothes I could fit into, the mystery of applying her makeup kept me working towards mastering it for a very long time. Until I could get to a point where I did not look like a circus clown in drag. Even if I was in despair over my cosmetic progress, I was able to keep working on it until I became more proficient in what I was trying to do. I did not know it at the time, but I was facing decades of constant refinement to get the feminine image I wanted to show the public correct. 

When my cross-dressing habits took me out of my closet, I was really put to the test when I first went out into the world. That is when I discovered how far I needed to go to be successful as a novice cross dresser. At times, the whole feminine process seemed impossible for me to do. But, for some deep reason I did not fully understand, I kept going. I even went the extra mile as a kid to take on a rural newspaper route to make extra money to buy what clothes, panty hose and makeup I gathered the courage to buy on my own. It all worked together to give me an added sense of accomplishment in my refinement process. 

When I had the courage for the first time to go shopping in one of the big indoor malls close to my house, I used to gauge my progress on how much attention I got from the roaming bands of teen girls in the mall. I instantly knew my refinement was working when I went from being noticed and laughed at all the way to blending in with the other ciswomen and not noticed at all. Still, it was no more than a beginning, and I had no way of knowing how long and winding my path would be across the gender border. 

Coming up with the credentials to cross the border into a woman’s world, took quite the refinement process for me. I researched as much as I could the transgender women that I knew who had already made the crossing as I wondered what made them successful other than their appearance. Which was amazing. I knew the old “beauty was more than skin deep” applied to these trans women and I wanted to know more. As I was deeply questioning my future in their world. What would I do about the relationship I had with my second wife and child as well as how would I continue to support myself in a totally new life were the major questions I had. At that point, refinement meant to me I needed to research how the other trans women I admired changed their lives and could I do it also. 

As I researched the trans women I knew and admired, I learned the truth that there could be no shortcuts for me if I ever hoped to overcome the obstacles I faced on my uniquely personal male to female feminization journey. Every wall I faced, I would have to climb it rather than look for the easy way around it which simply did not exist. I started from point zero and had made it to a middle point which I discovered was more interesting than I ever thought it could be as I went from being a dedicated student of ciswomen to being allowed behind the gender curtain to see the real complexities of the life I wanted to live. Still, I faced my own insecurities about doing it and needed to rely on my inner voice to keep me going. It kept saying that somehow, I was doing the right thing, no matter how difficult it felt.

When I arrived at this part of my life, I again out of necessity had to really begin to decide what I was going to do about my future and take the next step towards refinement so I could do it. Unexpectedly, I was able to carve out a new transfeminine life faster than I thought. Which brought in communication skills as well as other things such as settling into wearing the same wig and using the same name because the same people were interacting with me and I had to become a solid person. Not just a memory which kept on changing. Constant refinement was slowing down into areas which I could control. All of a sudden, my dream of womanhood on my own terms seemed like a real possibility. Which scared me in some ways and excited me in others. I could control for a change where I was going because I was a regular there and I even thought I was the venue’s token trans person because I was a tribute to their diversity. 

When I discovered I could make new women friends who accepted me for who I really was, I was able to refine myself simply by learning from them. They led and I followed their example which rounded off the remaining rough edges I had from a male life. Most importantly, the lesbian women around me taught me that I did not need a man to validate my existence. Which worked out well for me because the vast majority of cismen ignored me when I left their club and all my male privileges behind.

I think now, in the long term, the life I led which resulted in my constant refinement presented me with the chance to have a much more interesting life than the normal human. 

Thanks for reading along! And I hope the election turned out as well for you as it did for me. We now have a Democratic Senator and Governor in my native Ohio! Yay!