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| JJ Hart with "Brutus Buckeye" In the Ohio State Student Union. |
Following the awakening I received from the numerous Halloween parties I went to “costumed” as my authentic feminine self, I needed to determine the complex path I would take so I could survive in the world.
What I ended up deciding on was a layered effect as I
learned the ropes of the feminine universe I had only dreamed of living in. Like
many of you, I started slowly with trips to my closet’s mirror, cross-dressed
as what I thought was a pretty girl. In essence, the mirror provided me with my
first layer to build from. Since putting on mom’s clothes was a relatively easy
thing to do, I needed to concentrate on wearing her makeup which was not. No matter
how hard I tried at applying makeup, I somehow ended up looking like a rodeo
clown in drag. Adding this layer of expertise to my attempts to be pretty were
intimidating before I started to see improvement.
Once I started to believe I had mastered the makeup arts
part of my new life, I needed to add a new layer and set forth to do more about
doing what I could to counteract the testosterone poisoning of my recent
puberty. Since there was nothing, I could do about certain aspects of my body,
I needed to do better in hiding them to the world when I started to leave the
closet and explore. Those were the days of crash dieting and hunting through many
thrift stores for just the right fashion item I could not live without. Mirror
worship came back to help me during this layer of my life when I could honestly
tell myself if an article of clothing really flattered me or not. I needed to
get out of my teen cross-dressing fashion years and into a more realistic look
I needed to blend in with ciswomen everywhere.
Blending in brought a whole new layer to my gender existence.
To my relief, women had more of a tendency to embrace who I was becoming in
their world, while cismen everywhere shunned me for leaving their club. It all was an extension of my life as a man
because I had never had much of a liking being around other men anyhow. I guess
it all was a precursor to the person I was destined to become as a transgender
woman. Probably, more than anything else, the Halloween parties I learned from
helped me to be a success during this layer of my life when I was allowed to
learn the basic differences between the two main binary genders. And landing
squarely in the middle of both until I decided once and for all which direction
my life would take. Should I take the easy way out and stay a very serious
cross-dresser or follow my instincts and achieve my dream of living a
transfeminine life.
To do so, I would have to add layer upon layer to my life by
taking the old male building blocks I had used to get me by and use them as a
foundation to build a better future. Little did I know what I was getting
myself into as I was going past the princess-appearing layer of my life. For
once, I was going to have to not listen to what my parents said about me when I
approached any project I took on. To put it bluntly, they always told me I “half-assed”
everything that I did just to get by. To advance through the gender layers that
I wanted to, I knew I could not take the old approach to life I had always taken or
I simply would not make it to my dream. It suddenly looked as if it was getting
closer and closer to becoming a reality.
Before I just set all the male privileges I had learned
aside, I needed to see what I was getting myself into. What would I really face
as a fulltime trans woman if I ever decided to cross the gender border. I was
selfish and wanted to see if I could peel back all the diverse patterns of life
a ciswoman goes through before I went down her path. I was lucky in that all
the right gender doors opened for me as I learned the ropes of being a woman in
a supposed male dominated society. To do it, I needed to learn to leave the
male domination behind me and learn a whole new society which existed for and
about women. But I needed to earn my way in from all the gatekeepers in my way.
I learned it was not going to be easy.
It did not help that initially I was so timid when I
presented myself the keepers of the feminine world and it took me the “two C’s”
to overcome it. The “two C’s” I speak of are courage and confidence. I needed
the courage to think I was ready for my next gender layer and the confidence to
do it. Somehow, I needed to get back out in society and prove myself all over
again and carve out a totally new life as a trans woman for myself. I needed to
keep reminding myself that yes, I was different, but what was wrong with that. I
would never be a ciswoman but my socialization as a woman came from a whole different
world you would not understand unless you lived it. Surprisingly, the
gatekeepers let me in and I decided right then that HRT or gender affirming
hormones should be in my future to provide a major kick forward in my
transition femininization journey. I had done most of the hard work peeling
back the layers I needed to learn if I wanted to do it and now it was time to
take the easy hormonal way towards my future. I say easy because my body took
to the hormones like what took you so long and all the changes seemed so natural.
The main thing I learned along my gender path was the number
of layers I would have to peel back to achieve my goal. I knew going into it
that nothing would be easy, but nothing prepared me for what I was about to
face. Once I did face my reality that I was feminine all along, it was clear
sailing to my dreams.
As always, thank you very much for reading along and I hope
my experiences can help you along your gender paths. Comments are always
appreciated.
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