Torn Between Two Lovers

 

JJ Hart in Key Largo

For too many years I care to remember, I was torn between two lovers.

The lovers I am referring to, were my second wife and my inner feminine self. The battle was often intense as both of them decided to take no survivors or prisoners.  Plus, the problem intensified when I became immersed in the feminine world and my second wife grew increasingly resentful about it. Which meant when and if I went to her for any assistance, I was rejected. In fact, on the rare nights when she had to come to me for makeup advice, I could tell it really hurt her to do it. 

I distinctly remember one night she agreed to go out to dinner with me cross dressed as my increasingly important self. I knew at the time, if I was to have any hope of acceptance from her, I would have to make my attempt to dress like her. Which meant I needed to pick out my best jeans and blouse for the date. I even went as far to be careful to tone down my makeup. Predictably, all of my efforts were not enough. She made it clear she did not like or wanted to do anything with me. It was the last "date" I can remember. 

The gender conflict caused many rifts and giant fights between us. When the fights happened, somehow, we were able to patch up our relationship. Often with the promise I would never go out of the house into the world again. Which led to a huge problem. Deep down, I knew there was no way I could keep my promise. Because, at the time, I was so into the scary, exciting new world I was exploring, there was no way I could go back. The problem was, I felt so natural as a transgender woman. 

It turned out, the emergence of my novice transgender self-began to make my wife and male self very uneasy. After all, their very existence was being threatened. 

The whole process tried to destroy me. It was often too much to take when the battle for myself reached an all-time high intensity. Certainly, being torn between two strong women was no fun and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. 

I did not know for years how strong my inner woman was. The years she had spent being hidden away had taken their toll. She became strong on her own by default. Sadly, the battle ended without a true winner when my second wife unexpectedly passed away due to a massive heart attack. By default, my stronger feminine self, pushed my weaker male self aside and took over. 

I had lived through an unique transgender situation. I was torn between two lovers, my wife of twenty five years and my developing inner feminine self who was busy telling me she had been along for the ride for my entire life. I suffered through it all and came out on the winning end. As I said, being torn between two lovers was no fun.