Transgender Freedom

Is there something called transgender freedom?  Some I sure would argue no, which I believe I would have to agree with. You may ask why if you read my recent post on transgender boredom which I actually experienced after going out two nights in a row without experiencing any negative feedback, So, by now you are thinking what is the problem.

The problem is I have never been able to accept success much at all. Especially with my gender issues. Once I arrived at a certain point in my transition, I always thought there had to be more. In my pursuit to find more, often I found myself in over my head. A prime example was the night I was in a sports tavern I thought I was safe in and several men decided to make my life miserable by playing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" over and over again on the juke box until the manager asked me to leave. I got my revenge weeks later when he got fired and several servers found me down the street in another venue I was a regular in and asked me to come back. I look at the experience two ways. First of all, it was a big hot mess of excitement and terror to do what I did at all and secondly I was lucky nothing more than my feelings were ultimately hurt.

Shortly after that I was able to work with my new found transgender freedom in new ways. By doing so I found a new circle of friends including the one I write about all the time. As it turned out, the others were different and interesting to be around too. Those were the friends who came so close to inviting me to a bachelorette party and included the motorcycle guy who took a liking to me. To make long stories short, the bachelorette party never happened and the motorcycle guy moved away shortly after his failed marriage to a wild woman in the group who was a hairdresser and exotic dancer. The one thing you never know about your freedom is when it is going to give you a gift or take it away. 

Little did I know, all of this sudden freedom I had acquired after my wife passed away was going to lead me to new and wonderful feminine transgender experiences. This was when I went through what only can be called a period of advanced trans experiences.  Or, for those of you who prefer abbreviations, ATE. To be sure I eagerly "ate" up all the culture I could as I was learning how it was to communicate and live full time as a woman. Little did I know how right my wife was everytime she told me there was more to being a woman than becoming the "pretty pretty princess" a couple days a week. Once again, it wasn't until after she departed and I started to play in the girls sandbox  did I discover how right she was. I sustained many scratches and set backs before I earned my spot in the sandbox. The photo you see above was from that period in my life.

It was approximately this time of my life when I took my friend Connie's advice and started writing about my experiences. My goral then as it still is all these years later is to provide help and input to anyone I can through my blog. 

Even though I have reached a point of boredom in my public presentation, I still don't consider my transgender freedom to be a done deal. At this point of my life I still have my final years to look forward to. I am fairly sure that once again I will have to fight for my gender freedoms again. On the positive side, I will be used to it. 

And, while I am on the subject, those of you just beginning your journey. Rest assured the trip will be worth it. Just take advantage of all the stops along the way to catch your breath and continue when you can. 

Your freedom as your authentic self awaits. 

Photo Shoot

 This is one of those experiences which came from being in the right place at the right time, which never was one of my strong points during my gender transition. Plus, it happened approximately seven years ago so I have a difficult time thinking it ever happened at all. 

It all started innocently enough when Liz and I went to what can only be described as a working artist/crafters mall. It was/is located in a vintage brick shoe factory in downtown Cincinnati. My partner Liz is a quality crafter and was keenly interested in what the many shops had to offer.

As we slowly made our way through the venue, we came across a photographer and her friend who just happened to be putting together an album of the different types of women they could find. Then their effort would be judged in Chicago by another group. Before I knew it, they were strongly suggesting I should become a part of their photo shoot. 

Of course I was flattered they wanted me to be a part of their compilation. And thought it was a great idea to include a transgender woman as one of the different women who can be found in the world. But then the doubts and misgivings began to filter in. What would I wear to the photo shoot? How much makeup should I wear were just two questions I had. My fears were not justified though when they gave me instructions on what to wear, including makeup.

In a short period of time, I found myself being photographed by a real live professional. While I loved the attention, I was scared to death! How would the pictures portray me and how would my gender dysphoria react. Before I knew it, my time as a photography model was over and I headed home.

It took a couple weeks before I saw the results and I was indeed disappointed. Somehow I thought I would look better but what you see is what you get. I used to have the exact pictures they shared with me but try as I might I can't find one. So, the one I shared in this post is close to the same time period of my life.

None ot it mattered as the entry they put together and sent on to the Chicago competition didn't win anyhow. 

My input wasn't over though as I as well the other models were invited to a gallery presentation here in Cincinnati. When I went, I promptly made my presence known by spilling a glass of wine all over the catering table.

Even though we didn't win any prizes, I will always remember my all too brief role as a photo shoot model in 2015.

Boredom?

 Over the years of transitioning across the transgender border, I never considered I would ever arrive at a point where I would be on the verge of boredom. But  my partner Liz and I went out again last night which made it two nights in a row and my idea of boredom began to change. As unamazing as it all was, nothing happened. No stares, no comments...no anything which would allow me to think I was perceived as anything but the woman I always have wanted to become.

Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash
NOT of me.

 Similar to many milestones in my transgender life, I remember vividly thinking in the middle of dinner I better start paying extra attention to Liz because for once I didn't have any other outside influences to distract me.

The only thing which did occur to me was it past time for me to go stealth. By stealth I mean, hiding all vestiges of my previous life as a guy. 

Truly I have considered a stealth life for years. Mainly because I am perceived at home as a woman by Liz and her son anyhow. Plus by my daughter and by many friends, so anyone else doesn't matter to me anyway. Also with the advent of Covid restrictions over the past several years, we decided not to go out and face the risks anyhow. Even though we were fully vaccinated. 

The whole process is most likely a natural one which I have addressed here before. First, you suffer from a severe gender dysphoria when you are not sure which gender you feel natural with. Then you embark down a gender road to decide who you really are. Which can be a difficult process. In fact I met a transgender person the other night who was thinking of reversing the process she had already gone through. The problem  I see with any gender de- transition is many times it is done because of another person or persons usually from a family. The transgender person is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Especially if they are younger and are faced with building a life as their authentic self. 

Fortunately, at my age, it's not a problem I face.  I have gone through the questioning phase of my gender dysphoria and finally decided I have become more than a gender. I am now just another person trying my best to look nice. No different than any other woman. 

The boredom I experienced last night is no more than another phase.

Party Down

Last night proved to be a wonderful time. For the first time in many days, my partner Liz and I were able to go out and enjoy ourselves. 

Even though it was St. Patrick's Day, the venue we were meeting several other transgender women in was fairly quiet. I was able to enjoy a pint of Guinness stout ale along with corned beef, potatoes and cabbage. Nothing more Irish than that!

Photo Courtesy JJ Hart

Since the place was fairly quiet, I was even able to hear the conversations around the table. One in particular was wonderful when the transgender woman told us the story of her being accepted by her children. In typical trans style, she was always thinking of the possibility they may not.

In many ways, it is incredibly sad when acceptance is the major topic when trans people gather. But it was a sign of the times last night (I hope)when no one else paid us any undue attention. What helped also was we were in a relatively liberal upscale suburb of Cincinnati. As in true with many metro/urban areas, once you find yourself very far outside city limits, the attitudes can change...quickly. 

Plus, there is safety in numbers. Especially with novice transgender women and men. Lynnea mentioned it when she wrote in and commented on the "Were you Bullied" post:

"Escape from bullying takes different forms. Here are some I've employed:

Escape into dreams. I accepted the isolation and kept to my own world of thoughts, books, and even the dreams of the night.

Escape into a clique. I sometimes think "schooling" is so called because you have to find a group in which to make yourself less likely for attack like the schooling of fish.

Escape into another locality. I went to high school outside my district because I would probably have been murdered otherwise.

Escape through expulsion. My own family expelled me from their circle after decades of gross vilification for not accepting their bigotries. I'm better off not having them in my life anyway.

Escape through homelessness. As serious as this state of hardship has been, I did eventually gain a home. Walking away from an abusive environment and living on the streets was preferable to the abuse."

As I pivot away from my original post, it's time to share another comment on being bullied from Deborah :

"Yes, I was bullied in various ways. Even into my 20s. I couldn't face my gender dysphoria. It forces us into a dark cave, repressing feelings. At 71 I am still unpacking these feelings. Just retired last year... At last! Time to feel and be! --"

I suppose in many ways, just having the freedom to party down can show us the path to our own freedom from gender dysphoria.

I have received so many comments especially on the hair post I wrote and others, I am going to try to respond as soon as I can. In the meantime, I hope you are seeing the light in your gender tunnel and it isn't the train. 

The Luck of the Irish

 Happy St. Patrick's Day to all of you! May you wear your finest green feminine attire and have a safe good time. 

Without a lot of fanfare, Liz and I are going to join several of our transgender friends we haven't seen  forever for dinner.  For the occasion I have picked out a green sweater I have had for some time. 

To my knowledge I am not Irish but I certainly will take advantage of any of the luck which happens to come my way!