Jumping Trans Barriers

Image from Shalomi Platzman 
on UnSplash 

 First of all, I never have participated in any sort of track and field events at all. So jumping anything, especially at my age is impossible. In my life, however, I have faced many invisible barriers when it came to being a transgender woman. 

The first barriers were self imposed as were many later in life. The main self imposed barrier I faced was my struggle to free myself from my mirrors who were the only way for me to reinforce my femininity. Sadly, the mirrors had a way of lying to me. No matter how I really looked, the mirror told me I was attractive. When I started to explore the world as my true gender self, I was greeted with many rude awakenings on my true appearance. Trashy, even clownish came to mind when I went out in the world. Fortunately, the negative feedback I received helped me to resolve to do better with my appearance. Slowly but surely I was able to build a small wardrobe of feminine clothes which helped to flatter what I possessed in the body department and led me to jump the barrier of being able to present properly. 

Along the way too, I developed more ways to see if I could truly overcome the barriers I was facing. One of the biggest ways I found was to go to Halloween parties in a "costume" as a woman. By doing this, I achieved a level of understanding of how I presented. Over several years of trying, I was able to make it to a level of being passable as a "professional" woman just getting off of work and attending the party. From there I was able to build a fragile confidence I could survive in the real world if I ever could pursue my dream of living fulltime as a transgender woman. Then, my fragile confidence would help me to jump more of my barriers. 

Also, there were the barriers which were all fake. I found out many existed only in my mind and I was making my own life so much more difficult. I likened it to running an obstacle course in the Army when you had to make split second decisions on real or fake targets. False obstacles included me judging the acceptance or non acceptance from strangers. Those were the times I thought I had acceptance only to have a passive aggressive person stab me in the back. It was all the more difficult because I wanted so badly to be accepted in the world as a  woman when in reality all I should have been looking for was to be accepted as me. Again confidence and a new circle of women friends helped me to get over this major barrier. 

Another point I needed to consider was my choice to pursue hormone replacement therapy or HRT. In many ways, my choice was the point of no return on my journey. Once I sought out a doctor to administer the new medications (and was accepted) the changes began nearly immediately and helped me to conquer more completely the external appearance barrier. As I changed, I learned also how much the hormones would effect my overall being for the better. 

Now, at my age, I am tired of jumping  trans barriers but now have to face the number of new anti-transgender laws in the legislature. In fact, Ohio where I live is trying currently to pass a restrictive rest room bill in the state. All in all, I have resolved myself to doing the best I can and trying to always be sure I am voting for politicians who support me.  It's the least I can do.

I Was Ready to Face the World

Anniversary Photo from the 
Jessie Hart Collection 

It took me many, many years to finally realize I could do nothing else to prepare myself for living in the world as a full time transgender woman.

I began in essence, with a series of tests and/or challenges. Once I conquered (in my mind) the world of just going out at night when no one else was around and walking or driving around as a woman, I decided to try my feminine hand at actually shopping for my new clothes as a woman. I felt quickly accepted in this stage of my life because I didn't realize immediately store clerks mainly were interested in my money and didn't really care who or what I was. Plus, a few clerks even had enough expertise to recommend wardrobe items which were flattering to my body shape. Up to that time, I did not have the knowledge to give myself the best possible chance to present well in my new gender. 

With my new found knowledge and confidence I could make it, I expanded my small universe to the next level. The next level to me was stopping at upscale restaurants for lunch and a drink when I went out shopping. By trying this, I was able to increase my one on one time with the public. Again, I learned fairly quickly I could adjust to life, feel natural doing it and have the desire to try more and more new situations as a woman. I was fueled again by the basic confidence I could do it. In fact, confidence became my best and most important accessory. Much more important than the latest designer handbag I purchased. The only setbacks I encountered were in my communication skills. Very early on, I tried to mimic the cis-woman's voice I was talking to and go from there. I still have vocal problems for a number of reasons but was helped by going to feminine vocal therapy courses the Veteran's Administration began to offer. I still refer to my old homework to this day to do my best to find and project my feminine voice.

Once I had made it to this step, I started to challenge where I was going as a transgender woman and seeing if I could establish myself. Sometimes it worked and on other occasions, I failed miserably when I tried to force myself into venues where I was unwanted. These were the occasions when I even had the police called on me for trying to use the rest room. I learned, survived and somehow still retained the courage to move forward and explore the world. 

Through it all, I attempted to keep moving forward. After all I was learning if I could indeed attempt one of the most difficult tasks a human can do by crossing the gender frontier. I did not want to try it without exploring all my options because so much was at stake. If I was a poker player, I had to decide if I was going to throw all my life chips into the middle of the table and go for the win. 

It was around this time when I began to find good women friends who helped me with my decision. Learning feminine skills which came naturally to them became my biggest goal. Finally I went to their finishing school, graduated and was able to face the world as a full time transgender woman and most importantly never look back to my stressful unwanted male life.  

Tomorrow Is Dental Day

All Smiles from the Jessie 
Hart Collection

Tomorrow is one of the days I have to go in for a dental cleaning appointment. For better or for worse, I have been going to the same dental office for several years now. When I filled out all the information I needed to provide for the dental profile, I was impressed with the amount of the gender information they required ,meaning they even had a category for transgender women and how you preferred to be addressed.  Of course, all of that is well and good but seeing it in action is another.  

The good part is from day one nearly everyone in the office has been gender affirming to me. In fact I was surprised when immediately everyone used the "she" pro-nouns with me. Since my teeth were not in the best condition, I appreciated any positive feelings I could get. Following losing my upper teeth and getting fitted for upper dentures, I resolved to take the best care that I could to my bottom teeth. Twice a day, without fail, I brush with a powered tooth brush, rinse and floss.  So, if I don't have a good appointment tomorrow, I will be disappointed. 

By this time, you are probably thinking what does any of this have to do with being transgender.  Quite a bit actually. Back in the day before I took the expensive and drastic step to have my missing and jagged upper teeth replaced, I was afraid to smile. In the process, I came off as unfriendly or worse yet a bi-ch. It turned out by not being able to smile, people came out thinking the worse of me. I needed to have new teeth to improve my appearance and personality. Plus, it turned out timing was everything because shortly after I improved my smile, my new glasses came from the Veteran's Administration. I was able to upgrade my appearance quickly. 

The only problem I have with my dental day tomorrow is how much I will have to pay. I have a basic dental insurance I buy myself which covers part of my visit. So, depending upon what the insurance covers I have to pay the rest. Even though I have been putting money back for the visit, I am on Social Security. I have written recently how much anxiety I have over the possible federal government default which is coming quickly. For those of you who don't know my checks which I paid into during my entire working life could be postponed. However, instead of re-scheduling my appointment,  I decided to go ahead and possibly spend money I don't really have. 

The nice part about going tomorrow is the money should be the worst part. Maybe it is the future of dentistry as it stands now.