Popcorn Girl

 Recently I wrote a post explaining how I always wanted to look like one of the old time cigarette girls who sold tobacco products in nite clubs. Later on, after I wrote the post, I happened upon this photo of  famous female impersonator Grae Phillips. 

Photo Courtesy 
Grae Phillips 

Perhaps you may remember Grae from the early era of talk shows such as Jerry Springer, Maury and Sally. Just to scratch the surface. Over a period of time even I tired of the shows efforts to exploit cross dressers such as me.

Every once in a while though, I would see an impossibly beautiful cross dresser or female impersonator who I wanted in the worst way to look like. Grae Phillips, billed as the real live "Tootsie" (after the movie) was one of the best. Grae could sing as well as any cis woman and totally looked the part.

So naturally I was impressed when I found this photo on social media of Grae dressed as a popcorn girl several years ago in New York City. My knowledge of Grae plus classic drag or cross dressing stores such as "Lee Brewster's"  were a large part of the reason I moved from my native Ohio to the NYC metro area. Sadly, I never did have the opportunity to visit Lee's but I did take advantage of the opportunity to go a transvestite "mixer" one night on nearby Long Island. 

It turned out to be one fantastic evening as I almost didn't get admitted to the mixer at all. There were two women at the door standing guard so to speak and told me no "real" women could be admitted to this private event. I had to show them my then male drivers license to get in. Needless to say I was extremely flattered.

I also never had the chance to see one of Grae Phillips shows in person when I lived in New York. The closest I ever came was when they accepted my friend request on social media. I guess you can say I am a groupie but then again I couldn't understand how someone who looked that good as a woman  could ever not want to live fulltime. I was still in the period of my life when I was obsessed with appearing as a woman. Not living as one. 

In many ways life was simpler back then before I began to learn the many hidden facets of a woman's life. Much more difficult than just looking like the cigarette or popcorn girl.  

Forces of Nature

No matter how you cut it, women are the stronger gender excepting purely physical attributes. Other than the physical part, women have to do it all. From raising a family to earning a living women  have to do it all. Plus it seems these days there are more and more single mothers taking the family on single handily.

All of this begs the question why would a man give up all of their male privileges to transition to living as a transgender woman. The answers are obvious to those of us who have accomplished the gender transition, primarily we had no choice. It was transition or die. Many of us, including me lived a very self destructive life dealing with our gender dysphoria.   

It amuses me (negatively of course) when other people think we are going through a phase or think we are engaged in some sort of an evil game. Perhaps our potential gender power scares them or they are still living in the years when the media portrayed us as evil people dressing up as the opposite gender for purely criminal reasons. 

As we all found out on our own gender journeys we discovered the path often had more twists and turns than we bargained for. In my case, my first discovery came when I discovered I had to go much farther than just appearing as a woman to live as one. I wish I could easily go back over the ten years and six thousand plus blog posts to write a time capsule on my journey. Simplified  early on my writings involved primarily my appearance. Then after I progressed past the appearance aspect of cross dressing, I progressed into attempting to  see if I could actually progress and thrive in a feminine world. As I moved forward it became increasingly evident I had a long way to go. I knew I wanted to experience the multi layered life cis women go through but I had no idea where my journey would take me. Here is another example,

When I was partying and being accepted by my women friends, I established  a base to work from as I strived to establish my new life. After I did was when I moved in with my wife Liz and began to further increase my circle of acquaintances who had never met my former self. They viewed me as just another person in their circle and made me feel welcome. Even in these groups I felt more comfortable with the other women. I never felt really comfortable with many of the men. Which in many cases was no more different than when I was growing up and later in life when I had very few male friends. 

The final result to my gender search was I had made the correct decision. The more I progressed in life I found out what my wife told me was true. Back in those days I didn't have any real conception what a woman was all about. Women's lives certainly ranged much further than just pretty clothes and well applied makeup. How women communicated with other women is always my go to example as to how different the genders can be. 

Women are the true forces of nature and it the real reason deep down men fear them so much. A prime example is a former president I don't have to mention.

Burning Transgender Bridges

 I am relatively certain  there are not many transgender women or trans men who haven't burned a few personal bridges on their journey to finding their authentic selves. I thought of this topic yesterday when I was watching a television show on the PBS network. The episode partially revolved around the main character and bridges. I am far from a structural engineer but I vaguely understood the  concept of bridges needing tension on both sides to succeed in their duties of carrying traffic to the other side. 

Image Credit Romeo Varga
on Unsplash

Immediately I equated the concept of bridge tension with the gender tension transgender people feel as they attempt to straddle the two main binary genders. What more tension could a human face and conquer? For many, including me, relieving myself of the gender pressure led me to burning bridges in my life. In fact I was notorious for being self destructive and burning my bridges so I couldn't return. Often the flames were so high I lost tract of where I was. Especially when I began to go into my own restaurant venue dressed as my feminine self. Thinking I wouldn't be recognized. Of course I was and it didn't take long for the gossip to spread about me. Not the smartest idea I ever had. 

Deep down I am sure now, I wanted the world to know my secret of wanting to live a feminine lifestyle full time. Regardless of the risks involved of discovery I forged ahead with trips outside of my house which had the potential to ruin the male life I struggled so hard to build. On the other hand, everytime I took a chance to leave my closet and live a new exciting life, I felt so natural. Which in turn led me forward to more intensive trips out of my closet. I guess through it all, I was experimenting how I would build my new life when and if the time came to live it. In many ways it was when the true challenges began.

As I rebuilt my transgender bridge, I had to guess at and then build my bridge to fit the process. How would I ever learn how to blend in and then communicate with both genders once my bridge was built. Again and again I conquered my fears and set out to live. I learned the hard way the inner communication rules of women and for the most part the fact men didn't want much to do with me except to treat me as some sort of a fantasy object. Which was the furthest thing on my mind.  I only wanted to be validated as a woman in my own mind.

Over time, I began to become very good on how I built my new bridge. After more errors than successes my life suddenly became so much easier and again so natural The entire process slowly but surely reinforced in my mind how much I never wanted to cross back to my old life of cross dressing and doing my best to act like a male. 

Years later I have been able to stop burning my bridges. I  was able, thanks to many others,  who helped build in supports to my life as I learned and went along. Another way of saying my own personal infra structure was sound and I could move forward as a secure transgender woman.