Passing the Eye Test

Since Liz is off this week, I convinced her to go with me to pick out new frames for my new glasses. My old glasses which you may have noticed in a few of my pictures were rather non-descript. So I decided to change my eyewear up to something more up-tempo or modern. Hoping to add glasses to my fashion accessory list plus knock out two birds with one stone. The other bird is being able to see better. 

A Girl in Glasses
Photo Courtesy Jessie Hart 

 Regardless, It seems no matter what I do these days brings with it a dose of transgender paranoia. You would think my internalized fear would be going away since I have been out in the publics eye so long. But it just hasn't. My fear this time revolved around being directed to where the men's glasses frames were on display. To add to my fear was we had to wait a half hour in a crowded Veteran's Administration waiting room to be seen. No one in particular seemed to pay us much attention until when I came out and they  were able to see how tall I am. Around five foot ten but my weight is down to 215 Lbs. So I hope to go below two hundred pounds probably for the first time since I was in the Army. Currently, no matter how you cut it I am still a big woman. 

As far as the glasses went, my fears were unfounded. The receptionist gave me a cheery good morning and said immediately the selection of women's frames were right behind me. Proving once again most all the worry and transgender anxiety I feel is unfounded. I know where it comes from. All the problems I encountered when I first attempted to come out. A transgender girl friend of mine said it best when she told me I passed in the world out of sheer will power. Which I did. It took me tons of times when I went back to the drawing board to try and perfect my feminine image. At the least the process left me with scars which linger to this day. 

I like my new glasses a lot. They are hard to describe except the frames are multi colored and according to Liz (my wife) they frame my face well and flatter my complexion. The only downside is I have to wait three weeks for the glasses to come in. Seeing as how the entire process is free, waiting is not such a big deal. Not to mention just seeing better will be a plus. I have a difficult time seeing the keyboard well when I type the blog. An example would be seeing more clearly the difference between a comma and a period.    

Since I have been wearing my current glasses for nearly six years, I expect the change to be fairly dramatic. I plan to slowly shorten the length of my hair also to enable it to be more age appropriate. Liz already trimmed six inches off before the wedding. 

I hope the new glasses become the fashion accessory I think they will. Small essentials such as writing a blog and being able to see a menu in a dimly lit restaurant will be a welcome relief.  

Party Down Witches

Before Covid and continuing to the present, various organizations have hosted "Witches Balls" around Cincinnati, Ohio. Back in the pre pandemic days I was fortunate enough to have had a really good time at several of the parties. Most of the parties contained various mixes of people in costume, belly dancers and pirates. Along the way I managed to dress sexy for one of the big witches ball and even was hit on by one of the pirates. I don't know if it was a combination of what he was drinking or the low lights in the venue which worked to disguise my true gender to him. But either way I was flattered because I was more than a little drunk at the time also.

First Witches Ball with Liz
High Heels and all.

A year later I was actually able to work on the committee putting the event together. They all knew I was a transgender woman and welcomed the help I provided. I couldn't do much because I needed to sit down quickly most of the time. So the two "most mature" individuals in the group were assigned to a table

Second Witches Ball with Tom
On the left.

selling items which benefitted the coven putting on the ball. It wasn't as much fun as I had in the past but at least the sitting down didn't put a strain on my sore back.

As far as gender recognition went, I was striving for more of a more authentic witch look more than any sort of sexy costumed appearance. By this time, I had transitioned away from the need to try to be sexy into a more appropriate well dressed woman. Hoping to blend into the crowded venue more easily. 

I can't tell you I had more fun but deep down I realized I was changing from needing Halloween to being such a major event for me.  One thing was for certain, my feet were more comfortable after I relaxed my "costume" requirements and started to wear flats to the venue. You can't see what I was wearing from the waist down in the second picture but I chose soft flowing legged pants along with my black flats. 

I still have one final fairly dramatic Halloween post which I have been saving for the end. In the meantime, the Witches Balls I attended played a major role in me transitioning from being a cross dresser into my authentic life as a transgender woman.

       

Just a Series of Walls

As I pause this month to look back on everything I experienced and learned from during my Halloween public experiences, in many ways, the experiences served to be predecessors to my future gender discoveries.

Wedding Photo with my daughter on the
left and Liz's son on the right.

At first I was all about my appearance, not  thinking how I looked would only take me so far in my quest to live a feminine life. Especially when I decided I was indeed a transgender woman. Not a cross dresser anymore, I decided to move forward again and transition into being a transgender woman. I realized at the time (finally) I wanted to be a woman, not just look like one. When I take the time to look back to the earliest days of blogging I can easily read how obsessed I was with appearance. One of the posts I remember was when one Saturday night I sat out to go to a local downtown festival in nearby Dayton, Ohio. I was very detailed into how I looked and how the public responded. I went before the sun went down and even went as far to wear sunglasses so I could judge reactions to me. Both positive and negative.

During this time I was unknowingly preparing to perhaps climb the biggest wall of all, the power to exist in a world which I knew ran onto the often invisible power of woman. Mixed in with the obvious draw of male privilege. Fitting in to this new world was a challenge which was difficult but one I desperately needed to face. Surprisingly to me, I had to climb this wall quicker than I thought I would. People (mostly other women) were quick to observe me more completely when on the other hand, men had a tendency to ignore me. As I made it to the top of the wall, the view I observed was at once terrifying and equally exciting all at the same time. 

It was about this time I was forced to face the fact other people wanted or needed to talk to me. Mainly from the time I spent when I began to leave the malls and clothing stores which for the most part were too easy and begin to stop for lunch. Which caused me to do my best to develop a feminine sounding voice quickly. Something I am still working on to this day. Yet another wall I have not totally climbed. 

Perhaps the final wall I have to climb will be what will happen when I die. Since Social Security just announce they would now honor gender changes, which may be a small benefit to us all. Even still, as I always write about if the final paranoia I feel when or if I have to be sent to an assisted living facility and/or a nursing home. I feel my problems could be magnified by the choice I made to have had no surgeries regarding my gender. I am also paranoid of what will happen to me if I am directed to stop taking my hormone replacement therapy medications.

As I look ahead to the wall ahead, I have decided to live my life to it's fullest the best I can. Even though I may be out of walls to climb.