Back to the Basics

 

Many times as you may have noticed I go way back to what I consider were my initial forays into cross dressing in girls clothes. The method to my madness is I feel those initial feelings were what shaped my future as a transgender woman.

I find it is interesting I don't share the same feminine tendencies as other transgender and/or cross dressers the same advanced age I am. I am a faithful follower of the Femulate blog and recently there was a post about wearing slips. I immediately thought Wow! I had even thought about wearing a slip in approximately fifty years. In addition, many times there are posts involved with other feminine under garments. I don't know exactly why it is but I never exactly followed my Mom's example of how she dressed all the time. She was a school teacher and dressed up for the job in what now would probably be referred to as business casual. 

For a period of time I did actually predominately dress in the business casual feminine world. Those were the days of the business suits worn with short skirts and I loved them. Especially when I could find a pair of opaque panty hose which matched my outfit and helped cover the hair on my legs. I followed that fashion path for years until the Boho fashion trend began to become the  predominant force in fashion. Being a child of the sixties (and before) I was in the Army during the height of the Hippie Days. I felt as if I had a second chance of expressing myself which I had missed during my military days. 

Through it all I again found I had lost any real attraction I had for the feeling of the feminine clothes I was wearing. Even the early thrill I had from wearing panty hose was nearly gone. I was simply doing what I needed to do to blend in and live with other women. I guess if my fashion sense was given a title, it would be called "Mo-Boho". Anything Boho fashion wise still appeals to me. 

Before I seem to put myself up on a pedestal of any sort, I am sure many would disagree with my desire to have very long hair. It is very non age appropriate but to me I still love it and the world can get over it if they don't like it. The old Hippie Girl still lives! 

I guess if I can understand the foreign desire to wear a slip and other feminine under garments and put it in the same category of having long hair and wanting to feel the natural changes to my body. It's all good. I just wonder sometimes why I lost all my desire for silky feminine under garments. I used to have quite the collection of night time negligee and couldn't wait to have my own breasts so I could purchase matching bra and panty sets. 

Maybe the basics just what weren't they seemed to be.  

Hello Ms. Hart

 Imagine my surprise when the phone rang and a pleasant voice from the Veterans Administration said "Good Morning is this Ms. Hart? " It was a surprise to me she referred to me with the proper pronoun because normally I need to correct them every call when they ask for Mr. Hart. Even though I didn't have any earth shattering (fortunately) health issues to discuss, it was nice to talk to a friendly voice who didn't start out miss-pronouning me.

I have told myself over the years, the VA receptionists just don't see many women at all, so they automatically revert to the default male pronoun. The whole process reminds me to to be on point with my feminine presentation and more importantly my voice. I have never been particularly successful at all on the phone. In fact, I go into every phone conversation prepared to defend my gender.  

We discussed getting signed up for the next round of Covid booster shots Which I did and how I could get referred for another Mammogram. I need to be scheduled for one every year since my maternal grandmother passed away in the 1950's from breast cancer. So over the recent years I have been through over four Mammograms. The first one I considered to be a sort of rite of passage for a transgender woman with her own breasts. Since then I know what is going to happen so the entire process is rather mundane. Only one time over the years have I had any remotely negative experiences. One time a nurse just had to ask questions about any operations "down below" which of course was none of her business. Following her question nothing more was said. 

After the conversation I had with my VA contact, I did realize I just experienced a gender euphoric highlight. Being referred to as "Ms. Hart" then discussing setting up a Mammogram. It doesn't get much more feminine than that. 

In the midst of my euphoria though, I forgot to set up an optometrist appointment or renew my gout medication. It will be interesting to see if I receive the same gender reception I received on my last visit. Since I will be going there in person for my booster in the not so distant future maybe I will run into the last person (woman) I encountered who refused to accept my correct pronouns. I believe they have personalized business cards to identify themselves. If she does, I will know specifically who to complain about. She needs to be told what a big deal pronouns are to transgender people. 

I need to point out also, over the years I have had very few problems with anyone at the VA. It is just at the closest satellite center I go to, they don't seem to care and represent the right wing population around the clinic. Maybe I can help to change it. 

In a Maze

 

Photo by Luemen Rutkowski on Unsplash

In many ways, this post is an extension of a recent post I wrote on living a complex transgender life. Looking back as well as forward in my life, I still think many times I am similar to a rodent in a maze. 

Just think of all the mini transitions we have to go through in our lives if we are transgender or not. Many of us go through marriages, have children and go through the deaths of those of us who are close. All of which leave positive or negative scars.

I remember when I was becoming an increasingly serious cross dresser, the mazes and walls I had to find my way around grew fast and furious. One prime example was when I was trying to perfect my feminine appearance, I thought I was doing it right until I would do something like tripping and nearly falling when I was trying to walk like a woman. I remember also the trials and tribulations of carrying a purse. For some reason when I was transferring all my important things plus still have room for feminine necessities such as lipstick and/or a hairbrush. Fast forward to today and I am like many other women when I can't begin to explain to you how my purse became so heavy and better yet what all is in it. I don't know what I have done to abuse the privilege of being able to carry a purse but I have done it. One thing I haven't done (yet) is forget my purse someplace. 

Other walls I had to face were how I was going to pursue trying to widen my feminine experiences. To do it I developed a mental checklist of sorts. When I first started to go out as a novice transgender woman, I would go to mostly mellow places such as malls, clothing stores and book stores. I learned the easy way store clerks were only interested in my money and couldn't care less if I was a guy dressed as a woman. Quickly I needed to find my way through the maze and find another challenge.

I found the challenge by beginning to stop someplace and eat lunch while I was out. This worked for awhile too until I needed new places to go. Finally I made my way to a point where it was time to transition again from a cross dresser to a transgender woman. The difference to me was I was taking another huge step forward from merely looking like a woman to actually being one. Little did I know I was simply syncing up my inner feminine self with a masculine exterior I never wanted. Even though I was still caught in the gender maze, every turn all of a sudden made me feel more natural.

During my life many times I felt age would solve most problems. Of course it doesn't. Even though I am living my dream as a full time transgender woman. Now coming up before I know it my wedding date to Liz will be here. 

Then I am staring down finding out what is coming up during my final transition. My health will become a increasing priority. The maze never lets up.