Gender Euphoria

 Sadly, I don't have the occasion to write about "gender euphoria" very often. Most of the time I am dealing with the opposite...gender dysphoria. The dysphoria runs deep with me and has been around in my noggin since early childhood. During that time I learned the hard way not to trust the mirror. In other words the mirror was telling me I was a convincing feminine person when in fact the public was telling me something quite different. Every time I was able to build up a little confidence in myself, it would all come crashing down in an instant for whatever negative reason.

Now, since the threat of Covid has declined and Liz and I are able to barely afford to go out and eat, I have had to step up my feminine game again. So to speak. 

Friday I had the chance when quite unexpectedly Liz asked me If I wanted to go out and eat at a nearby Mexican restaurant where we could eat good food and enjoy a margarita. Most certainly I said yes and immediately started planning what I was going to wear. I ended up choosing an over the hip rather form fitting soft sweater and decided upon my dark blue leggings and boots since the weather hadn't changed for the better yet. 

For once I went overboard and added a pair of dangling earrings with a matching crystal pendent necklace I bought last summer. I pulled my hair back, put on eye makeup with a little lipstick and was ready to go. 

I was really ready to go and I thought I looked kind of nice. As "they" say, confidence is a woman's best accessory. I needed it. When we arrived at the venue, it was packed with all types of couples and families. We waited approximately fifteen minutes to be seated  and waited for our margaritas. Of course we were seated clear across the restaurant from the hostess stand so I had to walk through the entire place seemingly with every eye upon me.

Photo Credit:
J.J Hart

My confidence kicked in though and I did my best to stand up tall and do my version of a feminine "glide". It all must have worked because as far as I could tell, outside of a few glances from male customers all went well. Even to the point of our male server calling us "ladies" everytime he checked back on our order.

Through it all and afterwards, I tried to explain to Liz how good it felt to be accepted as my authentic feminine self . Of course before I could celebrate my victory we had to pay and walk the same route out of the place. It was still completely full and I had to try out my appearance on another set of people. Again I was a success, no one so much as glanced and when they did, they quickly looked away when I glanced back at their direction.

I believe much of the male attention I received always comes from the fact of my size. Even with my diet I am what Connie was called, "A monumental woman." There is nothing I can do about it so I just need to accept it and move on. 

Days later, the euphoria of reaching a goal I have dreamed of for so many years still is with me. Maybe this time I won't have to wait so long to reinforce my euphoria before the mirror comes along and says it's just the same old you again. But through diet and skin care, the mirror is wrong. My face has slimmed out and of course HRT has smoothed my skin and somehow rounded the contours of my face. I certainly am not the same old me. The mirror and the rest of me needs to get used to it! 

No Cure for the Transgender Person

 Most of us learn the hard way there is no easy cure for our gender issues. Marriage, kids and the military are a few of the most common so called "cures" Of course we all found out adding the responsibilities of a spouse and/or family just complicated our lives. Here is a comment I received from Sara:

Photo Source
Sara

" I wish I had known more back before the pre internet days! Like getting married WOULD NOT CURE ME! I wouldn't have put the wife and kids through all tis mess, mine comes from the fact that my mom was given something to stop the many miscarriages she had, or something went wrong/right and here I am today, or was it something else?" 

Thanks Sara! I felt the same way even though my two wives knew of my cross dressing desires. The difference was though no one, including me understood my feminine desires went far beyond the occasional desire to put on a dress. 

Sara also refers to the DES drug which was given to Mother's with history of problem pregnancies. Although I can't prove it, I believe my Mother took the medication which flooded the uterus with extra estrogen.  

As far as the military went, I would have never served except when I was drafted into the Army. I just didn't understand how I would ever adjust to being away from my feminine self for three long years. Adjust I did though and was rewarded more than I could ever say. I can't write enough how my daughters support helped me over the years. 

Over the years also, along with the advent of the "information" age, an amazing amount of information is available to help spouses who need it with extra help dealing with a difficult gender transition. This week I encountered both sides of spouses who accepted (or not) their spouses desire to cross the gender border. The first I experienced came on a very sad post from Kira on how she was giving up after ten years of rejection from her spouse. Sadly she was going back to her male life. Mainly after her wife's threats to "out" her to her work and friends. 

On the other side though came a very nice/inspirational comment from Anne: "I am going to share your courageous story with my husband. He/she has been cross dressing since age 12. Looking and feeling feminine was very important but always controversial when parents or siblings discovered cross dressing activities. During Covid my husband has finally felt safe enough to dress as a female at home and occasionally in public away from our community.

He also started over the counter feminizing supplements and herbs last year with some positive results. He is undergoing M2F counseling before formally beginning the HRT protocols.

Your writings are very helpful for both of us as my husband proceeds further."

Thanks to you Anne! I already responded praising her positive response. It is so sad many transgender individuals never have had a chance to take advantage of such a positive outlook from a spouse. Anne also brought up a good point when she pointed out her spouse was seeking professional counseling before undergoing HRT. It's very important to do so!

A transition is never easy and the only cure for crossing the gender border is realizing you have no real choice. For whatever reason. Just accepting your desires and yourself is a giant part of the solution. As I think back to when I finally decided to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and begin my femininizing process, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders.

I was on the way to my cure.  

More Transgender Survivor

As I promised, here is the second part of my "Survivor" post in which I went into detail how I survived growing up trans into my college years.

Photo by Denny Ryanto on
Unsplash

Since I have written in depth concerning my three years in the military, I am mostly going to go past the time in my life except to write how much I missed cross dressing during those days. I believe I spent the greatest majority of my free time day dreaming of being feminine again.

When I was discharged I made arrangements to meet my first wife after she was discharged approximately six months after I was. She knew I was a cross dresser and/or a transvestite so that part of my life was temporarily not a problem.  Little did I know, big changes were on their way which had nothing to do with my gender dysphoria. In a relatively short period of time, my daughter was on her way and my life would change for the better, forever. To this day she accepts me completely and has led the way to me being accepted by my three grandkids plus her in laws. Along the way she more than has made up for the lack of support I received from the last remaining member of my family, my brother.

During the earliest years of her life, my gender activities were largely restricted to Halloween adventures which were highly satisfying but all too short. Nearly all the activities proved were yes I could be seen in public and it felt so natural. I just had to figure out how to expand my time as a feminine person. Around this time also, I was stepping up my activities with friends in nearby Columbus, Ohio. One of which in particular gave me all of their feminine supplies when they "retired" and purged themselves from the group. Except for a love/hate relationship with one of the organizers who went on to have genital realignment surgery. Overall, I learned quite a bit from this diverse group who included everyone from the occasional lesbian all the way to several impossibly feminine people who were still deciding on their own gender paths. 

In many ways I was in the same situation. By this time my first wife and I dissolved our marriage and I moved on to my second wife. Before we became serious though, I let her know too I was a cross dresser. As the years progressed she remained fine with that but she never accepted me being transgender. This set in motion an on again, off again battle between us for twenty five years. Over time I have written about some of the battles when she told me to be "Man enough to be a woman."

Through it all, I was working on doing just that. Of course I loved her completely and did my best to firmly keep a camp in both binary genders. By doing so it tore me up. So much so after breaking yet another promise not to leave the house as my authentic self, she caught me and the fight was on. This time though, I couldn't take it anymore and washed down a whole bottle of anti depressants with Jägermeister.  As my therapist later told me all it would do to me was make me lethargic not kill me.

As you regulars mostly know, she got the last laugh on me by passing away at the age of fifty from a massive heart attack. Naturally, I was devastated but all of a sudden I was free to pursue my ultimate dream of crossing the gender border and living fulltime as a transgender woman.  By doing so proved to me once again how much I still had to learn.

All of this brings me to a group of women I write about consistently who took me in when I was lost and desperately lonely. Plus the all important support from my daughter. Between all of them and my partner of ten years Liz, I was able to learn the basics of creating a new person in a gender I always could just dream of becoming.

Thanks to all of them I survived and the wait was worth it.