Transgender Survivor

 It could be argued we all are transgender survivors. Even if you are not trans but are the ally of one. Crossing the gender border is not for the faint of heart. 

When I think back at all the error and trial I went through as I negotiated a gender transition, I don't know if I would have attempted it at all. 

Perhaps the biggest problem I had was understanding my true gender. Sure I can use the excuse again of  being raised in the pre internet generation. I felt so alone all the time assuming I was the only boy in the world who wanted to be a girl. By crossdressing in the very few feminine clothes I could get my hands on, I was able to survive this part of my formative years. 

Photo Credit
JJ Hart

When I became a teen ager and beyond, I discovered I wasn't the only boy who wanted to be a girl. When I was fifteen and almost old enough to drive I used to hang out with a friend of mine who could drive. On many days we used to stop in at his aunt's small variety store for a bottle of pop and a chance to look at her collection of "racy" magazines. No porn but different. Similar to lower class Playboy magazines. Every once in awhile I was rewarded with an article featuring female impersonators. It was a rare occurrence but enough to show me there was another world out there where impossibly feminine men made their living as women. Mostly in far away cities such as New York and San Francisco. On the rare occasions I found such a magazine, it was impossible for me to buy it because of my friend and his aunt knowing me so well. 

The closest I ever came was finding out a group of softball players who played in drag would be visiting our Midwest city. As badly as I wanted to go, again there was no possible way I could give anyone any indication I wanted to. This continued into high school when even though there were no womanless beauty pageants for the boys,  some occasional drag would creep in mostly for laughs. Except for the occasional participant who was just a little too good. Through it all I managed to survive and make it into college without giving anyone a glimpse of my true self. 

During my first couple years in college the severe changes I was going through being away from home as well as being exposed to new people and ideas led me away from any cross dressing desires. For awhile that is. I ended up transferring back home to a nearby university where I graduated from. While I was back home I also graduated back into exploring my feminine self. It was during this time I really wished I was born female so I wouldn't have to worry about going away to fight in Vietnam. I have written many times on how I survived this time in my life and was rewarded with an interesting three years in the Army.

Following my three years, I entered one of the most active times of my life when it came to exploring my authentic self.  As my first issues of Transvestia magazine arrived I found myself to be within driving distance of several of their regional mixers. As I was able to attend, the whole experience opened up a whole new world to me. I had survived and made it this far. 

During these mixers I found a curious group of attendees who were neither cross dressers or transsexuals. They fit somewhere in between. They were to become known as transgender and they were me. It turned out the easy work was done when I realized where I fit on the gender spectrum. The hardest part was figuring out how I was going to survive it. A topic for another post.

 

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Transgender Obsession

 Over the years, I have encountered several different obsessions. The first of  which was when I was very young and was exploring my strong need to wear feminine clothing. The more I snuck around and did it, the more I wanted to do. I have written in depth about  saving my small allowance as well the money I made from a newspaper route so I could purchase my own make up and a few other items I could afford. The thrill of being able to buy my own pair of women's shoes which fit still is a vibrant memory.

Photo Credit JJ Hart

From there, I developed a complete obsession with looking like a girl. I tried every second I could to be by myself to cross dress. I even found a hollowed out tree to hide a dress and panty hose in the woods next to our house so I could be alone with my obsession. I felt practice makes perfect so I thought I was progressing fairly well in the makeup department. Of course it was only me and the mirror doing the judging so winning the judging wasn't so difficult.  We lived in a semi rural area so my range of friends was very limited. Surprisingly though, I did find one acquaintance whose Mom let him dress in her clothes and makeup but he ended up moving several states away before I could communicate my desire to participate in the cross dressing with him. 

The only thing I was having a difficult time learning was why the feelings I had after I participated in my obsession didn't last. It was years later when I finally figured out I wanted more than the pretty clothes and makeup. I wanted to actually be a girl. The difference in my mind between a cross dresser and a transgender woman. 

Of course, my early obsession didn't turn out to be the last I would experience. In fact, I almost fell victim to another persons' obsession many years later. Which I will get to in a second. Before I do, I developed a real obsession with getting out in the world and seeing how well I presented myself as a woman. These were the years I was married to my second wife. Somehow we made it through twenty five years before she passed away. I kept making promises to her I would not go out in public unless I had a motel room to get ready in. So I wouldn't risk being seen leaving the house as my feminine self. Perhaps, as you may have figured out, I couldn't stick to the plan. Which led to lies and huge fights. The hardest part of the whole obsession was me being dishonest with her. I finally was able to grow a beard and forced myself to stop everything for the last eight months of her life.

As I promised, another's person's obsession almost harmed me one night at a party my wife and I went to. I will refer to him as a transgender "admirer". Or a man who has an obsession with being with a transgender woman or cross dresser sexually. This person towered over me and outweighed me too and on the night in question, I was wearing an ultra short mini dress. Highly disapproved by my wife. As it turned out he got me cornered in a narrow hallway where I couldn't escape. For the first time in my life I felt threatened and nearly helpless. About the time I didn't know what to do my wife appeared and defused the whole situation. After the evening was over she had some unkind words for me becoming someone else's obsession. 

I guess in many ways human obsession's are different critters. In some ways they drive us forward into new frontiers and in others they can endanger us. Crossing the gender border can provide us with many opportunities to explore wonderful new adventures. We just have to be careful when we do it.