Socially Distanced

Saturday night Liz and I finally braved the dreaded virus and went out for dinner. As i prepared for the first special night out in over ninety days I jumped in the shower to provide a fresh canvas for any possible germs which may come my way. Even though I was planing on practicing social distancing in our small group, one other drunk cis woman was too touchy and she didn't.  Hopefully, she was not a carrier.  

Other than that, the night went smoothly. I wore one of my silky maxi dresses along with my black flats. When I washed my hair (which is getting long again) I used a volume inducing mousse which really helped to give me the body of hair I love.  Especially when it falls softly across my shoulders and back. 

The venue we went to was a regular place we stop at quite a bit, we went fairly early and the place was very sparsely populated. I felt fortunate in that it was still open at all. The place we used to go to all the time declared bankruptcy and closed it's doors for good. Since the place was almost deserted, the sound volume was low enough we could actually talk. The cis woman I was writing about who comes with a cross dresser was somehow amazed again when she found out I was in the Army. I guess I don't fit the appearance levels she would think matched the Army stereotype, We also talked in depth about our relationships, which included her four kids she had before she was 21 to my long and varied list of fiance's and wives.  Even including how Liz and I met nearly nine years ago on an on line dating site.

The only draw back to the venue is the chairs at the tables. They have a tendency to make life very uncomfortable for my back after about a hour and a half. So we were able to excuse ourselves and leave.

It was good to get out!

A Choice?

Yesterday here in Cyrsti's Condo we explored the issue of trust when it comes to novice transgender and/or cross dressing women. During this post, I would like to preach to the choir concerning choice. 

The problem we have is as we come out is a severe problem with being selfish in our drive to discover our true selves. Often, we are so frenetic in our approach, we have a tendency to forget those around us. All of a sudden, we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The rock is family, finances and friends the hard place is the fact we really don't have a choice.  The pressure increases if you are considering hormone replacement therapy. Unless you are on a radically different regiment than I am, you can say goodbye to most sex lives as you knew it. The prospect didn't bother me as much as some because in my own way, I had approached sex to me as being between two women anyway. Which did not meet with success in the bedroom with my wife. 

As selfish as all that was, it was the only way I could save my own life. I can't tell you how many times I wished I could just cross dress every now and then to decrease my desires. It just didn't work that way with me.

All of this led me to massive fights with my wife, especially on the occasions when she caught me breaking our pre approved cross dressing curfews. I remember vividly the day she told me to be man enough to be a woman and leave our relationship behind. As you can tell, she was wiser and I was stubborn. I had yet to realize being a woman was not a choice with me. Once I did, she had passed away before I made a total Mtf gender transition.

If you are a better person than I, try to look into your soul and take the gender path which is the most natural to you.

Gender Trust

Connie tipped me off to a blog post concerning a long buried happening I went through years ago. In fact, it took me years to realize how much my why didn't really care about my cross dressing gender tendencies as much as what happened when I lied to her about sneaking around behind her back. To clarify though, my wife never accepted any thoughts of me being transgender and beginning hormone replacement therapy. Before we go any farther with those thoughts, here is Connie's comment:

"My wife was so much more upset by my manipulation than she was about my gender identity and the expression thereof. When we finally had the big "discussion," the thing that rang loudest to me was her asking, "Do you think I'm stupid; that I don't know what you've been doing?" Of course, the "discussion" led to me trying to explain the "why," followed by "who" I was, and not just "what" I was or what I was doing. When a spouse sniffs you out, no matter how perfume-y you try to make it, it's an awful stench."

Thanks for the comment!  When I look back at all the not so intelligent contortions I went through to hide my other life from her, I wonder why I tried at all. An example was every night she worked late, I couldn't wait to get out the door and lead my feminine life. The problem was, when she got home, I had to be cleaned up the best I could so she wouldn't notice any excess makeup.  No matter how hard I tried, most of the time I had difficulty passing the scrutiny she put me through. Looking back on it now, I wonder how I even put up with the stress of passing twice a night. As a woman when I went out and as a man when my wife came back home.

Indeed the stench was awful since the gender issue was the only point of deception we had in our relationship. The stress was horrendous.