The Mechanic

The trip to get the oil changed at the mechanic was predictably uneventful. First of all, social distancing was being practiced so there weren't very many customers in the place to start with. Plus the rest of the customers and a few of the employees were all wearing masks. The guys actually doing all of the work weren't so I hope they were not Covid positive. 

All paranoia aside. since we are regulars in the store, no one paid us much mind. They are always happy to see our money. Of course, with our luck, something as easy as an oil change couldn't go over without a hitch. It was filter change time too, and the place didn't have the filters they needed to finish the job. So now we have to go back when the filters get there. 

Now, at the least, we have another excuse to go out somewhere. In other areas too, life is looking as if it may return to a sense of normalcy for us. Liz received a text from her boss today saying she possibly may be going back to work (from home) next week. 

I am looking forward to going out to eat at one of our favorite restaurants one of these weeks. Most places are reopening with guidelines in place. I guess I am fortunate in my self esteem is not connected with how I dress everyday. I know when I wake up who I am. I am unfortunate in that my depression stems from being bi-polar. I have been under it's influence for so long, after a few relapses (such as yesterday) I know what to expect. 

On occasion though, I do feel guilty about not being able to write about the frilly feminine aspects for me being transgender. Reality tells me the next time I will possibly get dressed up will be for my youngest grandson's bar mitzfah which will be coming up on a very limited scale later in June. 

In the meantime, I will have to do with what I have!  

Depression

It's a good thing I had Liz around to talk to yesterday. For some reason, I began to feel the walls close in from our forced quarantine from the world. Along the way too, I have begun to think of what we are going to do as the world begins to open back up. Since summer has finally arrived, I was able to pull out one of my favorite outfits I barely remembered I had. Essentially it's a sleeveless tank top with a satin bow which keeps it fitted together so it can be worn in public. I paired it with a pair of lose fitting culottes. Even the outfit couldn't get me out of my depression. I even fantasized about wearing my semi revealing summer outfit to one of our local lesbian bars. 

Reality soon set in and it was back to thinking ahead to the week ahead after Memorial Day. The only exiting happenings revolve around our cars. I need to take our newer car into the mechanic for an oil change. The older car is much more of a challenge. It has been sitting for quite a while now and needs a new battery (I hope). Assuming we can get the hood open, we have a portable battery jumper we can try out. How's that for excitement? 

Since I am bi-polar, I am used to bouts of depression and how to handle them. Since I have waited this long for things to open back up, it looks like I still have a ways to go to at least get out and about...just a little. 

In the meantime. it seems like at the least boredom is my way of life.   

Mommies' Little Girl

This is actually from 2010 and was reposted in 2012 and has always been received well, so here we go again. It was actually called, "What Kind of Daughter Did Your Mom Want?"

This picture was from the end of
my "blond period" about 5 years ago
and was only taken as a response to
those "who wanted to see more of me"
As you can see the quality is terrible.

"Yes girlfriends, I'm talking about us. Some Mom's really wanted a daughter and dressed some of us as girls. Some Mom's may have found it interesting to relate to us on some level as a girl and let us in on a little makeup or clothes. Other Mom's may have shut us out all together.

All of the mother/son interaction intrigues me because of a couple of reasons. The first would be the simple question of why me? Did my Mom set me up for all of this? (My brother believes she did). The second would be is how much I look like her. How many of you believe your Mom knowingly or even unknowingly opened your door into a female world? I remember vividly the way my Mom blotted her lipstick and made sure the rest of her outfit was together before she went out. I would bet you my brother doesn't!

 The age old question-environment or genetics? Was I predisposed to be trans? Most likely it's a question I will never know. (Update! Perhaps the DES drug my Mom very well could have taken during her pregnancy could been the answer.) Maybe the whole "daughter" question explains my total lack of respect for women who do not take care of themselves. This girl was raised believing that appearance was part of the female gender.

My Mom passed away years ago and I believe in two sure facts. She would like the fact I try to keep up a good appearance. She would hate the fact I'm a lot like some of the girls I brought home she didn't like and live a very wide open lifestyle. Neither Mom or me or even my daughter are shy women."