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| Image from Tamara Bellis on UnSplash. |
Since I was born “AMAB” (Assigned male at Birth) I was automatically put into a box I could not easily get out of.
Plus, I had the extra disadvantage of being born into a very
male dominated, competitive family, so my box was harder to get out of. Like
many of you, I had to sneak around my family’s back to even cross-dress into
mom’s clothes and makeup to feel better. The worst part about it was that I did
not understand why I wanted to be feminine and felt so all alone when I thought
about it. Society had done a good job of building a sturdy box around me with
very high sides to see the world out of.
As life went on, I learned to be self-sufficient as I hid my
gender truth from the world. Very early on I learned I wanted to do so much
more than just look like a girl, I wanted a chance to live their life. But I
needed to escape my box somehow to do it with absolutely no help from anyone at
all. There were only the girls at school for me to envy and try to copy myself after
I returned home and had a chance to cross-dress again in front of the mirror.
When I first tried to take myself out into the public’s eye
for the first time, it was difficult leaving my box to do it. I was safe there,
and I could be the pretty girl I always wanted to be without anyone questioning
me. Even though I was not surviving the world well as a novice cross-dresser
walking through the malls that I knew, I was determined to keep trying until I
got it right. That is if I ever could as I was very insecure in thinking I ever
could come close to my dream of living as a woman.
As life always does, it got directly in my way of ever
getting out of my box. The only way I could try very early was by going to
Halloween parties dressed as a person who I really wanted to be in life but
could never tell anyone. At least at Halloween, I could show the world the transfeminine
me and hope it did not wreck my life at the time before I could scurry back to
my box and hide again. The problem with Halloween was it only happened once a
year and I couldn't wait for the next one to show off my feminine spirit. It
all led me to gaining a greater awareness to who I really was and how much I
needed to expand my world as a new transgender woman in the world.
Another problem I had was having two strong influences
around me, who wanted me to stay in my box and even make it stronger. The two
were my male self and my second wife who had everything to lose each time I gained
more confidence as myself. They did not understand the turmoil I was going
through myself and could not help me, I was on some sort of a gender
roller-coaster with all its ups and downs. One of my major ups or gender euphoria
came when I was mistaken for a ciswoman at a cross-dresser, transgender mixer I
went to one night without my wife. That was certainly the high point, but then
the lows began to hit me when I was firmly stuck back in my box with no way to
experience the next high. Sadly, I did not know where my life was going to take
me then. Except for the small idea that I might have the appearance part of my
gender puzzle solved.
More frustration sat in when my wife told me there was so
much more to being a woman than just looking like one and I was stuck with no
real way to understand what she meant. I was still operating as too much of a
cisman to be allowed to be behind the gender curtain to understand all the
complexities ciswomen go through in life. To make up for it, I tried to adopt
female mentors to learn from. Immediately I chose my mom and my wife to learn from
because they were both strong, independent women whom I wanted to be like. It
was a true jump for me to go from being a shy trans woman hiding in my box at
home to getting out and trying to find out if I could live my life-long dream.
What I did was build up confidence slowly until I could shed my male self and
his privileges and just do it.
Little did I know, when I did shed my male self, I would end
up bringing a big part of him with me. I made him my beast of burden when he
carried what was left of him into my scary, yet exciting new world. I learned
again how complex ciswomen were and if I wanted to watch sports on a big screen
television with a beer in front of me I could and not feel out of place as a
transgender woman.
In many ways, I was dismantling my old box and using the pieces
I needed to construct the new me who had always been there but had nowhere to
live. It felt great for once to feel free of all the old male constraints I had
to live with. I had many, so the path I embarked on became very complex as I
sorted out exactly who I wanted to be. Plus, I needed to be careful to finally
judge when the best jumping off point for me to put my old male self behind me
and start a new one. A unique spot that most humans do not ever have the chance
to do.
If you are considering what you will do with your gender box,
just be careful when you deconstruct it because it can contain many hidden
problems. On the other hand, you are embarking on an exciting journey if you
can make the best out of it.
Thanks for reading along with all my lifetime adventures as
I attempt to bring our gender struggles into focus. Taking the time to read, and comment too are always appreciated!
