She Wouldn't Share

 

Photo from the
Jessie Hart Archives

As I was progressing down my increasingly exciting gender path it became clear to me I was heading straight to a crossroad which would require tons of thought and effort.

The main problem I had was my two binary genders (male and female) were constantly fighting with each other for dominance. I attempted to satisfy both of them, plus keep my unaccepting second wife away and maintain my sanity. What I was trying to do was live three days a week as a woman and maintain my male dominated job as well as convince my wife I wasn't doing more than we agreed to when I was a cross dresser. To make it clear, my wife never wanted me to progress any further in my life into a feminine lifestyle.

The problem became evident when I became more and more successful in most all of my feminine pursuits as it became clearer and clearer to me indeed I was transgender. In the process, I wasn't doing myself any favors as the gender ripping and tearing I was experiencing made life unbearable for me. I just couldn't easily shift gears when I needed to switch from feminine to masculine in a days notice. I caught myself doing feminine things when I was supposed to be a macho guy and vice versa. When I was trying my best to be a convincing woman I needed to not walk like a man or wear a male scowl on my face. As you can understand, the pressure I was experiencing was tremendous and it dominated all of my thought when I wasn't out attempting to see if I could indeed succeed in my dream to be a woman. Trans or not. 

As it turned out, my feminine self did not want to share me with my old male person. Plus, she was ready to do battle with my equally as strong willed second wife. The overall battle was no fun and I would wish the gigantic hassle on anyone. What should have been a more enjoyable time of discovery in my life was turned into a contest for my very being. The end result was a suicide attempt on my part which was fortunately unsuccessful. From there my wife won the struggle and I decided to "purge" for the final time in my life, grow a beard and reject completely my feminine self. Through it all, she went back into her closet but wasn't at all happy about what had happened. Sadly. she didn't have to stay in her closet long because within a year, my wife passed away from a massive heart attack. 

Very quickly after the death, it was clear to me which way I would turn. My inner female reasserted herself and brought joy to me during the darkest moment of my life when I didn't know what I would do. From then on, she didn't have to share me with anyone. It took awhile for her to accept my wife Liz but once she did, she went all in. It took her over a decade of interacting with Liz before she decided to get married. 

Over time, again and again the true dominant gender I was dealing with won out. Mostly by biding her time. When she did have her chance to live, it was amazing to me how fast and easily she took to her new life in the world. All the times I was facing the gender unknowns in the world, she would step in to help me.

She proved not sharing me ultimately was the correct move to make.