Female vs Woman

In all the posts recently when we have "skirted" the issue on compliments from all people including cross dressers, transgender women and even cis women.

Along the way, it occurred to me, I had forgotten one of the oldest concepts I used to write about here in Cyrsti's Condo. The fact being born female does not make you a woman. The same as being born male does not make you a man. Both are socialized positions, so to speak.

Class? All Low?

Unfortunately, as trans women and/or cross dressers, some of our most strenuous ridicule comes from females...not women.

I always figure they think they are superior to us because they were born with a vagina. Most likely though, they are a little jealous when we happen to outdo them in the looks department.

It is also one of the reasons we have to make our look appear effortless. Which any woman will tell you takes a lot of work.

I just figured it was important again to make sure we all know the difference between a female and a woman. There is a huge divide.

Party Animal?

All of a sudden, weekends are the place to be for Liz and I. In fact, this Saturday, we had to turn down one event with friends to go to a family birthday party. The family that accepts me totally. One part doesn't. Naturally, the friends do too. I am so fortunate.

As luck would (or wouldn't) have it, Saturday is supposed to return to heat in the mid nineties...the bad news. The good news is, the birthday party is going to be held at another upscale food venue, perfect again for my "maxi-dress." 

No one there will have seen me since I got my hair done, lost a bit of weight or have seen me in the dress in person. So I am looking forward to the get together.

Then on Sunday we have another Witches Ball Meeting to go to. It is not till October but it is now only one hundred days away. So there is planning to do.

I am not sure what I will do when all this social activity begins to subside. I guess, go back to being bored! Except Liz and I have already decided to take a couple days off in August to take another mini-vacation.

You Look Great!

Just what everyone wants to hear, right? Especially after seemingly spending hours finding the perfect dress and then adding the perfect makeup to go with it. Plus, how about the extra ten pounds you have just dieted away to make the "perfect dress" look even better. It turns out though, even compliments seem to be gender directed on occasions.

With a similar take on compliments, let's check in with Connie:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJuly 11, 2018 at 12:55 PM

"How about the fact that trans women are often apt to be comparing their own "feminine look" to other trans women's, and some may be just plain jealous. Of course, there are the cross dressers who post pics of themselves endlessly, and most of them are, at least informally, members of a mutual admiration society. This goes toward your recent post about how some cross dressers think transitioning women to be bitches, so why would they bother to give you a compliment? They would think that a bitchy, HRT-sucking trans woman would not offer them one in return?

When I lived outwardly as a man, I would almost always compliment women on a new hairdo. I found that they appreciated hearing it from a man, even if it was the woman in me who was expressing herself - unbeknownst to them, of course.

I remember that my mother was often fishing for a compliment from me when I was young. I'm sure she did so because my father had died when I was very young, and she just needed to receive that attention at home. It did not seem natural for me, as her son, to be handing out compliments to her freely, so it was awkward when she was making it clear that she was hoping for one. The girl in me was quite willing, and I always took note of her style from that perspective. But, then, I expended a lot of energy trying to cover that up. When my mom was attending an etiquette and modeling school, she would always show me what she had learned in class each week. I was very attentive, but made sure that I didn't show my enthusiasm. Just as I learned makeup skills by pretending to need to talk with her, as I stood in the doorway to her bathroom while she was getting herself ready, I learned early-on how to make myself feminine through my mother. If only I had given her the chance to see what she had taught me; the way I turned out might have been the biggest compliment I could have given to her.

I would add that being gracious in accepting a compliment can be just as important as giving one - and often harder to do. "

Great points as always! Thanks for sharing.

Vocalizing?

Recently, we received a couple comments to a Cyrsti's Condo post called "Voice Police" which I have been meaning to pass along and just couldn't find the time (sorry!)

Here they are:

1. 
   MarianJuly 9, 2018 at 5:37 PM

   "Cyrsti -
   
   I found that one of the local colleges near where I live helps Trans folk learn to speak in the Androgynous vocal range with appropriate speech mannerisms. Maybe something like this can be found where you live. Hearing and Speech labs in many colleges like to use TGs as their guinea pigs in exchange for low cost therapy.
   
   In the NYC area where I live, each session from one professional costs $150. At the local college, the same basic therapy (under the supervision of a board certified supervisor) costs $60. Yes, it may not be as good as the $150 sessions, but you get 80-90% of what you're looking for for about 40% of the cost.
   
   M"
2. 
   Michelle HartJuly 10, 2018 at 8:13 AM

   "You may find that after you find your female voice, it will be hard to use the vocal patterns that youve been using for years."
3. Marian, thanks for the reminder! I have heard the educational voice connection idea a couple times. Since I can go through the Veteran's Administration for free, I forget on occasion to mention other options!
4. Michelle, I can't wait for that to happen! :)

Too Much Information?

My transgender - cross dresser support group meeting the other night, turned out to be less than exciting.

We had two new attendees, who, unlike most new people in a group weren't shy about letting us all in on their life stories. I guess I am the bitch in this situation, because I am fairly sure the so called moderators of the group should have called time out on both of them. Then again, one of the moderators should call time out on herself after telling the same stories every two weeks.

She is fond of telling everyone of her new found success in the world as a woman, which is fine, except for two people in the group who have been fired from their jobs for being trans in the last year.

I did get to see the person known as the "ultimate cross dresser" in guy dress and he is right that he is very gender fluid.

I suppose too, the people who talk the most, don't normally have anyone to talk to. I am fortunate to have a partner who encourages me to talk when I get quiet.

So, I should be more understanding and I am working on it.

Maybe, just maybe, the moderators could bring an egg timer, to pass along a gentle hint when another abusive father story goes a little long?

And oh...by the way, I can get very agitated when someone calls me a "gurl." I just don't want to know what that means.

Therapist Revisited

Often, my therapist visits are mainly very vanilla in nature, with the occasional "aha" moment sneaking in.

We had one of those yesterday when I brought up the relative lack of response to me getting about half my hair cut off. I wondered why out loud and she brought up a couple points.

First and foremost, she said maybe it's because men normally don't mention, or notice things like hair on women. So, perhaps these cross dressers or transgender women haven't advanced that far into womanhood. I am sure you have noticed it is a far different world than the male one. When dealing with another woman, any sort of compliment is a nice way to open communication on a good level.

She also said, to be fair, many novice cross dressers and/or trans woman are still too wrapped up in how they look to notice others. Naturally they suffer from extreme insecurities.

One way or another, I left with a better understanding of the gender world.

Maxi Dress?

Connie wrote in to Cyrsti's Condo to comment on a recent blog post which included a picture of me in my new "maxi dress'" Included in the post was my reference to a self proclaimed cross dresser who made a point of saying all transgender women on hormones were "bitches." Even though, the comment could have included me (I have been on HRT for years), I kept my mouth shut and listened to all the petty gossip. I guess if you don't have anything good to say...go ahead and say it anyway!

At any rate, here is what Connie had to say:

FABULOUSCONNIEDEEJuly 8, 2018 at 3:02 PM

"Well, I'm not on HRT, but I can still be a bitch sometimes. Right now, though, I'm in a pretty good mood, and I just have to compliment you on your dress. You look great! There's nothing so cool(ing) to wear on a hot day or evening as a long, sleeveless dress or maxi. The air conditioning is built-in. :-) I've often wondered, when you've described your outfits for different summer occasions, why you weren't wearing a long dress, instead. Jeggings or leggings always sound so hot (or not so hot) a choice when the temperature gets high.

Having hung out, in the past, with a cross dresser group, I can attest to the bias many of them have on female presentation. I think it's because they relish the dichotomy of living two distinct lives, as far as their gender is concerned. Most of us have gone through the overcompensation at some point. For one to think there is no other way to be, though, and then to voice that opinion, is pretty much the definition of "bitch" in itself. On the other hand, I have also attended trans functions with mostly "HRT transitioners" who made me feel uncomfortable for being too "dressed up." I've even been told that I can't be truly transitioning just because I wear wigs - when, if I didn't wear them, I feel I would look pretty ridiculous with my male-pattern baldness showing itself! But, if someone else with the same condition didn't care how she looked, I surely wouldn't say anything about their presentation - although, I'd be thinking it. :-)"

Great point on the dress and thanks for the compliment! I truly didn't think it would look that good on me and yes it is much cooler and comfortable than the "jeggings." Since I wasn't wearing much of anything at all under it, I was able to feel all the sensuality of the dress.  All in all, I felt like I deserved the feelings because of all the work I have been through to get here.

If I can find another dress similar to it, I am sure I will wear one again! I just don't want to wear the same one for the same people.

Travel Days?

Well, today really isn't. Tonight is another support group meeting and.if I happen to get there in one piece without hitting a curb or worse, I won't be traveling far today. Before the last transgender - cross dresser meeting I went to. I was so busy trying to navigate a turn off a very busy street, I hit a curb so hard, I blew a tire. Which meant yet another get together with a tow truck driver. As it turned out again, my fears were unfounded, because he treated me with respect and got me on my way, without incident. Plus, there is some sort of poetic justice in just standing there and having a guy take care of things.

Tonight I plan on not hitting the curb and making my way into my fave coffee shop for some sort of cooling coffee blend. Not in my diet but tasty none the less!

Tomorrow is the real travel day. It's time again to make the three hour round trip to see my long time therapist up north at the Dayton, Ohio Veterans Administration campus. Hopefully, she will be glad to hear my referral for voice therapy has gone through for July 18th. Since she was instrumental in setting it up.

Plus I have sold an item in one of my Etsy shoppes, so it will take me an hour or two or so, to find a box and get the proper documentation together to get it shipped.

Should be a busy couple of days!

Out and About?

For some reason, Liz and I had Friday and Saturday night invitations this week.

Friday, we went to the usual karaoke we attend once a month. We even stayed way past our bedtime, all the way till midnight.

The longer we stayed, the worse the music got with people thinking they were drunk enough to sing. Fortunately for everyone, I was not among them.

Saturday, we finally collapsed to the pressure of a self professed proud NOT to be on hormones cross dresser who comes every time to karaoke. She always seems to be unnecessarily edgy and I always wondered why. It turns out she thinks all of us on HRT are just bitches. It could expelling why she/he is always nicer to Liz than I. However, I just don't play their little stupid high school girl games they play.

At any rate, she/he was always on our back to wear "something nice" to the restaurant we went to. So, I thought it was time to break out a first...a long flowing, slinky dress. I loved it! It was perfect for a nice summer Ohio evening.

Kind of hurt my feelings, she/he didn't even mention my dress or my new hair cut. But then again, I am one of those evil transgender bitches on hormones.

Better luck next time.